The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The MOON, my my friend the moon. This tarot card keeps popping up or should I say down, off my tarot card wall holder again and again and again then yesterday twice at once! I think it’s come up about 5-8 times for me in my readings, or as I pass through my room and random cards lift off with the breeze and fall to the floor.  It’s always been the moon.  Dear moon, I’m listening now.

Don’t panic.  Face your fears.  Recognise the limits of your perception. Accept being in the dark, for now.  Reach out for guidance and clarity.

For 4-5 days I would wake up with a fog in my head.  A heavy dark feeling that meant, my usual brain chatter felt almost silent.  But not silent in the calm meditative way, but in a sluggish, numb and heavy way.  Driving, it felt like the rain was hitting my face not the windscreen.  The tears rolling down my face as I drove towards the sunset, as it faded behind the horizon in the evening.    

It felt like I wasn’t thinking I was just hurting, I couldn’t pin-point a thought or a single feeling that I could accuse of bringing my normally sunny personality down. I resonate with the Sun- 19 most often.  A feeling of radiance, joy, child-like innocence and gratitude for the tiny gifts around me.  The eternal optimist.  Then in these shadow times I don’t know what to do with myself, the feeling is foreign, uncomfortable and goes against everything I feel wired for.

The Moon journal story through tarot1

The Moon: My story through tarot

A feeling of numbness and hurt.
A feeling of disconnection from my body.
A complete shut-down of my physical self, touch the sexual and emotional
A feeling of tiredness, not giving up but of overwhelm consuming all of me.

Tension everywhere.  Sadness but no root cause for sadness. I wonder out loud to myself, if this is my period announcing its impending arrival. Then check my period app, and see “Still 8 days to go”.  This isn’t my normal gentle hormonal flux which shares an emotional gift of a few tears and vulnerability with me every month.

When I focus on thing the darkness lifts. If I focus on my blessings I’m happy and grateful, if I focus on being a radical, strong queer femme witch the fire that that connects to inside me burns passionately.  But I have to work so hard it seems right now to maintain this, it fades and I return to a tired, numb feeling. Like I haven’t slept for days. Like my eyelids are heavy.  

When the moon shines light in, recognise this isn’t an easy time for clear answers, certain direction or logical planning. Instead you’re being asked to journey through some of the darker shadows of your soul. Have conversation with those shadow parts, that you have been taught to banish because they are not good enough.  Remind yourself these parts are as deserving of love and gentleness as those parts of yourself you are comfortable with showing in full light.

Thinking about the chats, catch ups with my friends and general busyness I’ve engaged in lately. I’m commended for being so together, looking at the world in a beautiful positive light.  I’ve in these moments focused on sharing things positively. I know I can articulate it beautifully, I know how to look at things in a kind, gentle beautiful and healing light.  Getting my physical body and subconscious on the same page seems to be the lesson that this moon is here to teach me. I know I can – after deciding I just couldn’t this morning, I somehow mustered the energy actually pushing myself to get up, and at least look like I’m existing in this world the way I’m expected to.

It feels like I’d run out of happy, like I’d run out of joy.  I’ve meditation twice a week now with beautiful groups of people. The combined energy of self care, growth through calming the mind I absorb.  The healing empath in me feeds off of it, giving out mine and feeling grateful, vulnerable in the space to heal and soak up the love all around me. A quiet moment I can disconnect with my head, leave the darkness behind, focus on the flickering candle light, the sound of deep OM. Calming my mind, slowing down my crazy internal chatter – the “thoughts” that come and go, not buying into each rabbit hole that presents itself. To focus on my spiritual journey, learning about myself and ways to manage this roller coaster. Focusing on really trying to be kind to myself, letting go feelings of judgement or negativity or any kind of feeling that my darkness is a bad thing.  

More than anything loving, acknowledging and letting go all my negative, harmful feelings attached to the past.  The past is the past, there is no point in re-living it, torturing myself, but instead letting it be, loving the beautiful past, the exciting memories, that amount I’ve grown, the love I’ve shared and experience and enjoyed so fully and completely. I can’t bring the past with me, I can’t make it come back, I can’t live in that moment over again.  I can’t hold so desperately to the future fearing that I won’t turn out the way I desire.  I can’t live feeling that level of fear, hurt or desperation.  So I let go, I move on, and this time I really feel that shedding, and releasing.  Not completely, as this will take practice and my subconscious will need much reminding, but it feels like I have a point of reference, I know it is good for me, and the weight of fog, darkness and heaviness has been experienced, listened-to and respected for the gift, the lesson I needed to learn.

We’re often in shock, after a traumatic rejection, and so may not be conscious of the full extent of the hurt. And the tendency towards denial is strong.  I find, in fact, that many rejections are like icebergs: small on the surface, but much larger underneath.  I would therefore err on the side of caution and assume I’m hurting worse – and need more healing – than I may realise.  If you need to a big cry, a period of darkness, a sulk: take it, you’re not hurting anyone. – Not Just Lucky by Jamila Rizvi

In my head I know that pain is growth, it is the doorway to change, new direction and new life.  Without a forest fire how does the bush regenerate? Without devastation, how is the heart ready for new, change and growth?!  Going through this process is overwhelming and having regular times where I sit to stop and calm my mind has been the most healing thing I’ve done for my own self care.  During this session, focusing but not really focusing this one thing hit me.  Now I know it on a practical level, and if asked about my journey I’d have said it without thinking about the depth of it.  Those moments where something you know becomes something you can feel, that connects deeply with the experiences you’re having at that moment is magickal. I don’t think I’ve had one that has smacked me in the face quite so much as this.

From the gorgeous kind druid energy in my life, I’ve gotten to know the Rune that aligns with the Moon Tarot card- Algiz.  This extra dynamic has highlighted the parallel journey I’m experiencing in reclaiming and re-valuing my own gifts of sunshine, and warmth.  Acknowledging people enjoy my company because they leave feeling lifted and energised and the effect / toll/ emotional cost that has on me in sharing it. That I enjoy this giving, and sharing but I need to be more mindful of it’s value, and the effort it takes for me to recharge my own energy in myself after.

Algiz speaks of the more mature aspects of temperance and wisdom. Algiz may be attempting to get you to understand that there are others who are using your energies because you are allowing it to happen. Many followers of the Runes wear Algiz as a protection from the negative forces of the outer world.


Algiz Rune

Algiz carries a warning – if you find yourself experiencing a period of difficulty which is painful, be honest and stick with the experience. As you work through the issue, look around and evaluate what your part in creating the discomfort truly is. Are you shooting yourself in the foot without realising it? Watch for new interests, but use your good judgment when pursuing them. Allow yourself to experience the lesson Algiz offers – your future beckons! More info here

I love the Moon, I can feel it’s energy and pull at full and new moons. Being a sun child, a summer baby, a Sunshine Goddess, I’m appreciating the moon in a whole new way as the cyclical shadow side, the growth, the letting go of the past.  Embracing the new change, stopping to get in touch with the deep feelings, the hurt, and things I am most afraid of.  Pushing to experience my deepest growth and change through facing my fears and confusion. Slowing down, metering my “busyness” with time to stop and feel. Paying attention to my intuition, when it tells me to slow down, listen to the seasons and the flux of the changing cycles.