I am Loveable. Reframing loneliness and feelings of unworthiness

I am Loveable. Reframing loneliness and feelings of unworthiness

I am Loveable.

“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love.

However you are at this moment, when you can accept that you are loveable, then the fear starts to dissolve. It’s allowing your own beauty. Click To Tweet

It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff.  Just another radiant bit of light, another soul.  And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. Your realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is.  That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”

I felt unlovable. The experience of having someone leave you abruptly, having your heart and expectations dashed, battling through a relationship where trust has been broken, or suddenly not having a long term partner in your life, even if it was more about the company.  All these things play with my subconscious, make my heart hurt, make my inner psyche doubt my worth.  It’s those feeling of unworthiness that I inflict on myself, wounds that take so long to heal.  Those moments where I literally feel the energy in my chest feeling like it is ripping my soul in two.  Feeling vulnerability so intensely it feels like emotions are bleeding out of my chest.

I’m glad I’ve felt this.  I’m glad I’ve had my heart proverbially ripped out and stomped on.  That at the most difficult time of my life where my family relationship was strained, I thought I was losing a parent, I also lost my relationship, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that happened.  I’m glad she did what was best for her, I hold no resentment at all towards her. I’m grateful that I’ve had this opportunity to leave that life behind and use this pain to awaken to, use this sorrow to become aware, it has been the catalyst so introspect and develop the most wonderful relationship with myself.

I’m glad I got to tear down everything I thought really mattered to me, everything that I really thought I wanted. It has been a jetpack booster to my spiritual journey.  My journey to find my power to find my heart, find connection and intimacy without expectation, to feel loved again. To unpack why I fell to pieces, what actually I felt like lost, what I actually gained, and the beauty of that experience.

Rejection made me question and realise how much I’d forgotten how much love I’ve got inside of me. I don’t think love comes from an outside source. It comes from loving myself, living to my own standards and making my own happiness on my terms a priority. Living my authenticness, what makes me uniquely me – when I put that energy out to the universe I stop needing to rely external validation. My life source comes from within, and in a world that rewards success, weight loss, worships superficial beauty standards to be in my own power, loving myself as I am, doing the things that really make me happy – is the most powerful rebellious act of social defiance.  It’s not a big thing, it’s correcting someone who tells me I am more desirable because I am skinny, it’s acknowledging that not having / making lots of  money doesn’t make me a failure, supporting my friends who choose to not take the traditional life trajectory of relationship, job, house career kids, and being there with them as they explore their squiggly line journey to what makes them happy, discovering what defines success for them.

One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown says, “What we know is that connection – the ability to feel connected – is why we’re here … It’s what brings purpose to our lives.”  I love that she has extensively researched this unknown entity that keeps people all around us from being connected – despite so many of our social behaviours being driven by the lure of being more connected, but leading instead to competition based vanity stats driven validation.

How simple yet complicated to unpack that entity that kills, hampers or holds us back from our quest for connection is shame and fear. Click To Tweet

“Shame is … easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection?”  The thoughts we have undermine ourselves.  Our minds tell us “I’m not  ______ enough [for intimate connections]”

How I have struggled with even the mere idea of excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, I have to allow myself to really be seen by others, to open ourselves to the vague potential of hurt or pain again.  “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness,” Brown says, “but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”

Today I feel worthy, I allow myself to be imperfect, to have my creative endeavors be different to society’s idea of success, to celebrate the precious moments of love that I share.  I am so much more determined – more than ever to live my life wholeheartedly, to be willing to let go of who I think I should be, who I think the world thinks I should be, in order to be who only and completely who i am… I am more than anything else, willing to be vulnerable.

Every day I want to ask myself – “how can I let myself be seen today, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.  How can I share my love with my whole heart, even though there’s no guarantee and nothing I can grasp to with any feeling or assurance of permanence.  How can I practice gratitude and joy in those moments of sheer terror, to remind myself that feeling this vulnerable means I’m alive. Even if I feel like I’m running blindly towards my adventure and the unknown.

To every day tell myself, to tell myself so often that I truly believe that I’m enough. I’m enough and all I ever need.  I don’t need anyone to be happy, but I can share my happiness with someone, I can share my love with others, and not run out, and not find it or need it from them.  That I can self generate all I need, that am enough.  

I am enough even if I ask for help, I am enough even when things don’t go as planned.  I am enough even when things aren’t a financial success, that I am even enough when all I got out of it was learning how to do it better next time.  I am enough even when I slip back into old patterns or habits, because I have felt pain, and sorry that has made me aware, and I can never ever lose that awareness of my power, being enough.  Sharing my love with no expectations having it come back to me like a tidal wave of wonderful experiences that I didn’t expect, intimacy and connection like I’ve never experienced before.  Feelings in my heart that tear me apart with what feels like the complete opposite of a breaking heart.  One that overflows with love, gratitude and vulnerable feelings of love with no grasping, or expectations.  It’s scary, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

As soon as I choose to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, deeply and completely, I discovered that I attract and keep those around me will who will accept and love me in exactly the same way I do.

I am capable of loving, sharing my love and also of accepting the love from anyone who wants to receive my love, or who wants to offer it. I do not need to place standards on myself that determine, how “together” I am, what I’ve achieved or what stage of my life I need to be at before I am loved, or worth of love. I just need to open, be wholehearted and vulnerable. My own self-esteem and self-love is what determines whether I choose to remain around people who bring me down, memories of people who hurt me, or times  when I didn’t love myself, and placed myself in the line of fire.  When I choose and decide that I am worthy of more, that I am enough, and deserving of the greatest levels that love has to offer, that is when the love, intimacy and connection, the healing magick has started to happen in my life. It blows me away.  

All my life I have struggled with my mind being so afraid of being alone.  Rewriting this pattern is probably the hardest journey I’ve been on, and I know I’m still on it; because being alone made me feel unworthy and unlovable. Recognising this, I am starting work towards believing I am enough alone, loving myself alone, and as I am, authentically right now.

xxxx
Flossy

Telling Queer Stories: The Lovers – 6

Telling Queer Stories: The Lovers – 6

In the major arcana the 6th card in the deck is the lovers card. It’s traditional representation (painted in 1910 by Pamela Coleman-Smith), shows two figures; Adam and Eve before the fall, enjoying the innocence of the garden and their own nudity while an angel looks on above. In the tree behind Eve, lies the snake hinting at the choice to come to gain knowledge and wisdom and behind Adam is a tree with 12 flowers symbolising the astrological houses. The card is represented by Gemini, choices in romantic relationships and duality. It can also be said the card represent the two halves of the brain and the point in human evolution where childbirth became difficult for women due to the increase of brain mass in the species. Generally speaking however this card represents romantic relationships.

I’ve been receiving this card repeatedly since the last frost nub of winter which has been a surprise to say the least because breakups are something I’ve had a lot of this year and I’m not know for successful relationships or positive choices in partners. This continual drawing of the lovers card began following a breakup of a relationship which was short in length and depth.  However the pain took me by surprise, and I was already grieving the end of the possible partnership before the conversation even came. In the lead-up to the conservation I attributed my grief to cosmologically consequences. I’m a cancer sun and experiencing emotions on a large scale is a common experience for me. Since 2011, I’ve been able to access, receive and feel emotions from large groups like those of the “Occupy” protests in NY during the final eviction or the tsunami in Japan. It’s not easy being an empath and sometimes it can be difficult to know where the emotions are coming from. Often I find my body anticipates emotions up to 2-3 days before an event occurs; both for a world event or an extremely personal one. Jungian analyst and writer; Marion Woodman’s recently wrote an article that describes the way I have moved through the world even down to my entry to this life via c-section which i believe is the cause of this tendency to anticipate emotions and try to move through life lessons a little too quickly. LINK

The heart pain and heaviness was daily and all day- sometimes the pain was in the front of my body, sometimes in the back. I had only known this person for a few months and had specifically avoided conversations about partnership, nevertheless when the break came, the pain seemed overwhelming and somewhat extreme for the length and depth of what was between us. During this time, I had started to look at tarot again after a long break; another break up (this time walking away from https://www.facebook.com/sistersoftheequinox/). Surprisingly, daily readings would always come back with a result of the lovers card or the two of cups, and never reversed. Astrological forecasts suggested that love was the main preoccupation for the ex lover. Much of what was around me, suggested that the break up was a mistake but as a cancerian I am always wary of seeing things I want to see and manipulating others to see them too.

Queer Tarot The-Lovers-Tarot-Cards

Queer Tarot: The Lovers Tarot Cards by Trung Nguyen

The lovers card is still following me. In those first early weeks of romantic pain, it was infuriating, upsetting and defying my previous experience of the tarot whose guidance has always offered a different perspective and helped me to make decisions to the pathway of my highest good. Even yesterday (6 weeks later), after coming home to spend some time with my mother and hoping to inspire her to return to her art practice and share my love of the Motherpeace tarot deck (designed by Karen Vogel and Vicki Nobel in the late 1970’a), the card she left facing upwards was the lovers; with the 9 of cups beside it. The Motherpeace tarot card represents a different aspect of the lovers card. Whereas other decks imply love and romantic partners as a sort of destiny, the Motherpeace card removes the personality and gender aspect and reflects more upon the difficulties of choosing a partner. The choices are represented by different cups, each reflecting qualities of masculinity or femininity in a greco roman style. The energies reach out over their physical boundaries and mingle in the middle representing the bliss that can be made from union. In Vicki Noble’s book she writes about 6, the number of the card representing a peak experience; and the lovers representing a peak experience of union.

A few weeks back I participated in a ritual to welcome the coming of spring. After the ceremony, we each chose a few cards from numerous decks, with only one tarot deck in circulation. I of course, received my card of the promise of love.  At that point, I felt like breaking. Romantic love felt very far away, yet I was continuing to receive this message as if it was already here embracing me. I returned home with message feeling confused as to why it has been constantly been with me. When I returned home I opened up the latest email from a tarot project I have been backing since 2015, and the card of course greeting me was the lovers. However unlike other projections of this card, the image drawn by Christy C. Road is of a naked feminine person holding a handful of spoons reaching forward to embrace another feminine person through a mirror who is walking with a cane. (Click image for link)

The Lovers Queer Tarot

THE LOVERS 💜As the universe offers pipe dreams, delusions, and wayward paths; embrace an indestructible bond that honours you for you

This card had symbolism for those that have difficulty experiencing love for themselves, let alone love for another being and finally gave me some hope of understanding why the goddess was choosing to repeat this message to me over and over again. Since then, I have been applying myself to loving those small parts of myself that feel unloved, working through my childhood experiences of feeling less than loved sometimes and thinking more and more of my community and how we struggle to be accepted in our choices of love. I am reminded again of what a radical act it is to love yourself, to be kind to yourself, to offer yourself the solace and companionship you need. Also I think of  how some people in our community have difficulty finding love, feeling love and feeling included and each time I receive this card now or see it within a reading I am reminded of the embrace of self which is always reaching out to us through the mirror.

How do you feel about the Lovers card? Do you have an interesting story about your relationship or journey with the Lovers Tarot Card? I’d love to hear about it.