I’ve not written as much as I’d have liked for this blog recently. However my pen (or in this case keyboard) has been chalking up a storm. I’ve been writing myself letters as if it were all I had to live for. Truely writing has saved my sanity and helped me through May, an incredible month of challenges, where everything I thought subconsciously was fixed, has changed. Family, health, homophobia, relationships and my spiritual journey.
As challenging as it’s all been I think I’m starting to see the lessons the Universe is gently (hah) teaching me.
- I are always alone, and moment shared is a gift for that moment in time
- Most of my actions as humans are driven by fear
- Stopping to examine myself really shows me what is driving my behaviour (meditation)
- Letting go of hopes and attachments will help me to stop torturing myself with the things I am scared of/ fear
- If the only thing that is constant is change then making peace with that discomfort is the only option
- So many thing will change, my happiness comes from taking in the present moment and experiencing it with gratitude
- Treat myself with loving kindness, checking my inner critic or the voice in my head when it spins into negativity
Having a family health scare when you aren’t specifically close to that person has really challenged my view of family, and my thoughts around permanence and impermanence. Watching my father in hospital, not knowing if he’d pull through, making every effort to connect with him and share love was hard. Having a sick-bed conversation about my sexuality vs my parents religious views challenged me about being accepted, and my parents way of communicating love to me. We’ll never see eye to eye on that topic and I’m trying slowly to let go of the fear and anger it used to cause me. Those feelings are completely in my control as I choose how to react to what is happening around me.
I’ve always struggled with loneliness. Weather it came from being the oldest child in a homeschool family or being a lone trailblazer of my own path as a teenager. I don’t know, it’s probably a feeling all humans experience. This is the first time I’m facing it without trying to run away, feeling the pain of it but being less scared of it. I think we all have a “crutch” or a patch, distraction or escape from this feeling of loneliness. For me it manifests as restlessness, sadness or a craving for love or attention.
- I go for a walk in the bush
- I try messaging everyone I know online
- I post a huge bunch of posts on all my social media
- or I seek out love or connection with someone I trust
All these are my crutches, my attempt to escape from loneliness. I can’t escape, and I think suddenly realising (my journey and books I’m reading) has kicked me in the ass to be more patient with it. Let go of trying not to feel like this and appreciating those lonely moments for what they are. We are all alone, but not alone at the same time.
- I’m a strong, beautiful, stable person
- I’ve been in a terribly lonely place before and come through it (it’s not gonna kill me)
- Every change that has come into my life in the past I’ve come through in one piece smiling
- The more I love myself the more at peace with my complexity, how I am
- Being kind to myself makes this whole journey easier (I don’t need to make it harder)
- New experiences, connections and life gifts/ blessings are right around the corner if I am open to see and accept them
I hate being scared! I’ve just been to Tasmania for the Dark Mofo festival where I participated in a even giving voice to my deepest fears and feeding them to this year’s Dark Mofo Ogoh-Ogoh, a demon-like sculpture common to Balinese Hinduism. They will then cremate the fear-laden ogoh-ogoh in ceremonial smoke, fire and noise. Check out a video of it from 2016 here. It was such a timely event for me to go to, it had been an incredibly hard week doing a trip alone that wasn’t planned that way. Reading a book (video below) and realising how much of my own view of myself, my story and my fears have caused my unhappiness. Reframing it all from a blessed, and grateful view, letting go, and checking the things that make me scared and realising the underlying thoughts that drive them – has incredibly mind blowing.
As I was in front of the Ogoh-Ogoh trying to think of the things that I was afraid of and write them down, I was so confronted by my own internal dialogue.
I’m only scared of these things, because they’re the direct opposite of not having certain things or being in a certain space.
As soon as I let go of that hope or clinging to an ideal, I felt more relieved and less worried. I can’t control anything external to me, but I can change how I react to those situations. That is magick.. That is hard challenging magick. That’s magick I want to master.
Developing a new relationship with fear and my hopes – This is what I am learning, it scares and excites me. I’m so far outside of my comfort zone I can only celebrate how much I’m learning as I go through this new phase, page in my life, embracing the new, the change.