I haven’t cried properly in months. I know something in my crying ability feels broken.
Today I got out of the shower. It was a long hot shower, I was alone, it is super early and my body hurts. I haven’t been to the gym to feel into my body in ages. I stretched and moved my muscles a bit so I’m really not surprised that once woken up, my body just reacted with tears.
I’ve spent the last two days doubting myself. What am I doing? Am I really in love, is this a good idea, is this the right thing to do. I’ve been telling myself to stop the self sabotage. To stop checking out mentally of where I am and getting lost in the mire of what ifs, and shoulda, coulda, and woulda’s. I don’t want to make myself miserable when I’m supposed to be enjoying this new experience and change in my life. But bodies are loud and I knew it was trying to tell me something.
As I was crying it felt good. Like all these relationship changes have again brought up my heartbreak. That fact that I’m getting loved and touched tenderly has triggered so many feelings of loss and hurt. How much I emotionally invested in my relationship with her being “the one”. I wanted my relationship with her to last forever. How I had always seen visions of us together when we were old. How I’d set my heart on that. When it didn’t last, my expectations killed my heart, killed my optimism and belief in love. Now here I am, feeling cared for and seen and I am sad. Why?! Letting go, that love, creating space to be vulnerable, allowing someone in. Letting go thinking of that relationship as my highlight. Letting go of my feelings of her as the love of my life. Hurt and heartbreak and now it is time to let alllll of that go again, and in a different way..
To grieve and breathe, and feel and be okay that this is new, and scary. Crying is good. I am glad I am crying, letting go of the hurt and heartbreak that has haunted me for so long. I can’t continue to let it have this hold on me, but it feels like a huge relief to be able to put it into words. To be processing through it, working out why I was tormenting myself and what was wrong in my head. Now the voices have all gone quiet.
Now I feel like I’m not going crazy, that maybe I can stop worrying constantly about if I am or am not doing the right thing. It feels like the words in my head were a reaction to a feeling and hurt heart triggered by this new love in my life. I was trying to remove the symptoms not the root cause. Sure running away from the newness in my life would stop the hurt and worry and feelings of grief and loss, but it wouldn’t have made me any happier. I’d be left with only those feelings to hold onto.
Crying is such a cathartic breakthrough feeling, I really hope I am always able to process and express my heart through this. Realising where this is coming from sitting in the bathroom, fresh out of the shower with my red nose, eyes leaking profusely and my face buried in a towel.
I want to let the hurt go again and again. I did a lone ritual on Williamstown beach as my sanctuary, a wild place I felt safe, and now I want to do that again. Let go of the things that hurt me, the expectations that I had on that relationship and even my expectations of myself or this new relationship. Writing them down, allowing kind space for myself to cry and burn all that rubbish, horrible self talk and the heart and heartbreak of the past up.
I loved and lost in that relationship.
That doesn’t mean I can’t love again.
I loved and decided that relationship was my forever.
It wasn’t. Doesn’t mean that long term love isn’t out of reach.
Our mental connection was so good, and our chemistry was beautiful.
But my need for intimacy and emotional support needs were manipulated.
Now I am having those needs met in a non manipulative way and it is incredible.
That relationship meant the world to me
But maybe those were all my expectations
Now I have to learn to trust myself again
Maybe deciding in myself that she was the one and being disappointed
Broke the trust I have with myself to make good decisions in my own best interest
I was attracted to her, I put her on a pedestal, I adored her,
That was all me, I chose her as the object for that attention,
I can choose that again, and can allow those feelings to grow slowly
Just because something was intense, addictive and infatuating
Doesn’t mean that something that is softer, more tender and just there for me,
Is wrong, or undeserved, or something I should run away from
That intense addictive feeling may be the addiction I have to unhealthy dynamics
This relationship is so different from the past one,
So unfamiliar, so challenging because it is all the things
I’ve had to work to “earn” or push to receive in a relationship before
Now I don’t have to beg to be touched
Now I don’t have to ask for intimacy
When I ask how she is feeling she tells me, simply
I need to stop over complicating it for myself.
To stop looking for an addictive hard work relationship that I am so used to
Here I have a supportive, caring, new relationship right here in front of me
I can’t be attached to it lasting forever.
I can’t be attached to her being the one
I won’t expect it to feel the same or better than that crazy infatuation feeling
I won’t let me psyche rule my heart.
I CAN show up
I can open up
I can take a risk
I can let go of my hurt from the past
I can choose openness
I can stop dwelling in the past
I can stop idolising something that wasn’t perfect
I can reset my own expectations
I can show love
I can be gentle and caring
I am loveable
I am worth loving
I am able to see love
I am able to choose things that are good for me
I am able to look after someone I care about
I am able to open up to someone I care about
I am able to trust again
I am able to trust myself again
I am able to trust someone else again
I am tired my brain is tired, my body is tired of emotionally processing. I’ve had a really busy few weeks, with my best friend coming to visit from Melbourne, doing a million activities then feeling the sadness of her leaving. That remembrance that you left your best friend behind to move half way around the world and how much that felt like a break up. It feels easier to see her then have her leave. In Paris it was really hard and awkward, with my financial tension I experienced and jet lag, and dancing emotions. It was really tough. Now I’m more settled in Canada. I feel at home here but unsettled because I haven’t yet organised my PR visa, and procrastinating on it is giving me anxiety. I have my test soon and I finally emailed a immigration consultant to help me. This feels good, but I’m nervous. I’m nervous and unsettled about all the changes going on in my life. I have my house back, my van is healthier, and getting taken care of slowly.. that feels really good. I have plans for the next bit of building I want to do on the vehicle. I feel like I have the money available to me to be able to do it all. I’m getting support from new mechanics and slowly stepping away from the toxic relationship with Jack the backyard mechanic.. I need space and to leave behind the stress, and the anxiety that was sitting with me when my van was off the road for 5 weeks sitting in pieces in his driveway. It terrified me that something would go wrong that I’d have done all this for nothing. The further I continue the easier it gets and the smaller bites the project becomes. I need to remind myself of this, continue to be grateful that I’ve had access to affordable help, to people who know what they’re doing, that I’ve spend the last year getting it in order and now it is truely liveable and much more sound in the engine. I’ve more to do, but slowly, slowly it is all worth it.
Emotionally I’ve been learning and processing so darn much. I’ve been learning a million things about emotional and relationship narcissism and codependency, I feel like I’ve been working through my own shame and guilt round my past behaviours in relationships. I feel like I’ve really been the narcissist taking advantage of a person and I feel like I’ve also been the co-dependent always trying to please, always walking on egg shells. At the time unaware of how driven by emotional experiences or emotional repression that I experienced as a kid. The feelings of abandonment or that I wasn’t worthy enough for love, quality time or being taken seriously / listened to have haunted me so much since then. I have worked through remembering what those unhappy or weirdly alone moments of my childhood felt like or what happened and why, then how I dealt with it. The thing that is so beautiful out of it all, is that it became more and more obvious why I really like the forest, why being in trees feels safe and calming. How when I was sad, feeling abandoned or sad I would always go outside into the tree or tree houses we’d built and felt protected there. I thing this is why my affinity and belief that tree and fairies exist because of the calm creatures and the knowledge of a supernatural presence around me who I could talk to and be listened to. Now as an adult I love the bush the small noises, the animals and the feeling of rejuvenation and healing that comes from it.
I’ve just written two paragraphs about everything except about how I feel about dating or falling in love again. I want to fall in love, I want intimacy and love and connection, yet half of my brain had settled into a happy equilibrium of being alone, knowing I could go where ever I wanted, and do what ever I wanted at any time. The feeling of knowing that my emotional state of mind is steady and pretty even, not spiked or worried by anything. Now I feel out of control. That is what it is, I feel out of control of my feelings. I don’t know what is happening right now, except that it is exciting, overwhelming and really really sweet. Working through believing this is real, working through believing that I do actually deserve love and the attentions of someone who wants to be with me. It feels like it is all moving really fast and my scared, fearful self wants to put the breaks on because I am not in control. Realistically being in control is the problem, the world is always changing around me. I worked through this with the uncertainty of my van repairs. I was out of control of how incredibly slowly things were happening so I threw myself headfirst into everything else. Letting go that feeling of panic, worry and needing to know when it would be finished. It didn’t always work and I didn’t always have a good night’s sleep but it helped.
So how do I do that with my heart. I’ve met a lovely woman who is gentle, caring and longing for intimacy and a relationship space that is a safe space to share emotions and be seen. As I write that – this description sounds like me and I feel sad, and overwhelmed. I don’t know why. Why am I afraid, why am I sad. I know my body is tired, it’s almost my moon cycle, and it a way letting go and seeing what this connection might lead to is sort of a good bye to the previous chapter of my life. I’m leaving behind what I’ve mourned, taking what I’ve learned and edging into a new experience. I can’t be melancholic over my past any more, I have already started practicing this, by reframing every horrible experience as a way to be grateful for things I’ve learned or thankful for having experienced the intensity of a past emotion. Leaving my fear behind would mean letting go and allowing myself to be loved. My fear of abandonment is very strong. Being rejected, discarded or not important enough to be noticed. My subconscious finds ways of seeing this pattern again and again in my life repeating that feeling I had as a kid. Now I want to reframe that abandonment feeling so my subconscious will stop trying to sabotage me. I want to move forward and I cannot do that if I’m aways running away from things that scare me or not being “in the arena” taking a risk. I have skin in the game now. This is what it feels like to be scared and tired, coming off what feels like the biggest vulnerability hangover ever. I feel like I’m recovering from not having my house, all of that uncertainty and simultaneously feeling terrified at the emotional magic carpet ride of learning to unlock my heart.
So now that I’ve taken time to write down my fear voice, to hear it, to see where that pain and anxiety is coming from, I want to try to give my gratitude and excitement a voice and space to share so I don’t get lost in melancholic feelings. I am excited that I am now mobile, my adventures this weekend and waiting for the relaxation and excitement that will come from that. I am excited to be making progress this month with my residency application to Canada. I started dating again! I deleted an app that wasn’t working for me, cleaned up my emotional responsibilities to myself and put my “house in order”. I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to learn more about myself and my past so that I’m showing up now feeling more aware and more responsible for how I act and how my life, my words and the way I love effects others. I’m glad I learned so much from all my past relationships, especially the last one. The amazingly good times, and the shittiest of shit. I am grateful. I am grateful that I have stood up for myself keeping my life simple, not messaging a million people, not dating lots of people. Keeping my heart focused on things that are simple, not complicated and don’t require any splitting, detachment or disassociation. I am happy, and excited about the dates I have gone on with this person, and how I feel round her. I am grateful that I know how my behaviours need checking so that I don’t jump to conclusions or assumptions before I’m even in a situation. I’m grateful that I have the amazing support of my friends who have talked me through the things I’ve worried about going into this, their encouragement to stay open, to stay willing to experience what ever it is that might happen. Grateful that I have the opportunity to love, to open my heart, to learn vulnerability again instead of just talking about it or working through it myself. Some how, the first person to reply to my messages on the first day I joined a new online dating thing who was also new to it. Somehow she comes over to go on a date with me, and turns out to be an incredible person. She know what she wants, she knows the kind of relationship she craves. She craves intimacy and communication, the same as I do, the touch that says a thousand word from a person who just simply cares about you.
I pinch myself, how is this possible, how did this happen so fast and is it really true.
This is really my critic speaking. I’ve spent the last 2 years learning and preparing for this moment, I’ve been wishing, talking about and manifesting this energy in my life. So many false starts testing my commitment to what I’ve really asked for. This is what I wanted and how disrespectful am I, if the moment it is presented to me, I shun it saying, “oh but I’m not ready yet”. Maybe I am not but if one was always waiting to be ready that day would never come. Being not ready means being in it, being open to failure being open to hurt or vulnerability – which by the same token is love. So here I am not ready and doing it anyway.
The fear of abandonment I feel is behind my uncomfortableness with polyamory. I respect it and deeply value the poly relationships that I’ve had that have taught me so much about myself. I want my person, I want that uniqueness of feeling wanted and needed by them. I know this is part of my childhood patterning trying to replace the feeling and soon the need that was not fulfilled as a kid. The books I have read talk about forgiveness and I like this thought thinking of it in a way that works through that trauma. Forgiving myself for hiding, and repressing my emotions, forgiveness of my parents who did what they could to support me, that did love me, and were also working through their own childhood patterning. The may not have been there when I needed their support but I was able to survive on my own. I am now able to speak for when I have needs and have them met. My parents did support me financially to do the things I loved. They had three kids so attending all of the events was hard, and just because they chose my brother and sister doesn’t mean they didn’t love me any less. Forgiving myself for being scared, forgiving myself for thinking I’m not worth it, for devaluing myself, for being my own worst enemy. Now I am more aware I know that part of me that is the protector and I know the part of me that is the adventurer, and I will listen to both. I want to allow this to happen, for love to come into my life, so here I am – nervous and scared but in the game.
I am going on a third date, and it will be really wonderful.
I am excited about it.
I am excited about getting to know this beautiful human.
I am excited about meeting someone who wants to love me.
I am excited about learning to love, respect and have this person in my life.
I am excited about loving myself and being kind to myself as my inner child processes this new chapter in my life.
I’ve had almost a month of good days save a few at the end of December as I adjusted to not working. Today I feel alone today I feel like I’m going to be alone for ever and that that feels like a terrible thing. Now I know in my head that even if I were to be, it is neither good nor bad. I can create happiness in myself and I’ve proven that to myself so being alone is neither here nor there. But today it feels like a huge weight, a feeling of dread. A feeling that I have so much love to give, such a strong desire for love and personal connection that it feels bottled up like a huge sadness.
I feel like my emotions and my head are at odds.
I still feel the greif in my heart from my last relationship. It’s now almost been as long that I was in a relationship that I’m now out of one. That baffles me. It feels like all I wish for is to love. Letting go of attachment especially to things not good for me. Maybe I need to find a way to redirect, redefine or love in a way that doesn’t require me to have one person love me back. Polyamory has been in and out of my life over the years. I care deeply for the humans I have had in my life but I have not been “in love” outside of monogamy. I’m happy for that to change – for patterns to break but my little heart is scared and sceptical. Love feels like an emotion that is bigger than my body or my mind being made up of the combination.
Being tired brings out that tiny percentage in me that wants fingers to touch my skin in a way that makes my heart race. It craves the feeling of my skin tingling and all my hairs standing on end at the sound if a beloved’s voice whispering beautiful sounds into my ear. It feels like being cold in the middle of winter, hearing the rain or the wind whistling around the walls and windows and snuggling deeper into each other’s arms. Tenderness, vulnerability and a desire to see and be seen.
Right now I’m staying some place where I don’t feel comfortable being openly out, and talking about it at all. When I decide to go somewhere or do something I have the blissful freedom of just running off and doing it. A freedom I’ve also wanted when I’ve felt trapped. I don’t fully know if I am inherently simply craving the thing which I do not currently have. I catch myself here – thinking back to earlier today when I pulled myself up out of my self indulgent melancholia to be present, to love, participate and enjoy all the beauty and wonders immediately around me.
In the Rocky Mountains somehow that felt a little easier than it does now lying in the dark on a couch im some strangers house. The majestic mountains as the glisten in the sun almost touching the blueness of the sky. Standing at the bus stop waiting for a few minutes to tick by I feel small and unimportant next their grandeur. A feeling which makes all other feelings cease to matter.
I know I have experienced deep love that felt full and gave me so much joy. Maybe I have this sadness that is as deep as I loved. I’m glad I know it exists, I’m glad I have had the opportunity to experience it. I am glad I am giving myself the space to heal, to run with and mend my heart. I did not want to even think about loving again a year ago, so feeling like I have this desire and capacity again is a blessing, even if it feels melancholic or painful at times. I have the heart of watery emotions and this too is the gift of feeling deeply. It makes me strong it makes me powerful and I am able to share these feelings, to be able to articulate them with words so you also can understand how I feel and maybe sense the effects, pain, pleasure or joy that they bring.
Today is also a good day. It was a beautiful cold, but crisp sunny day and I was alive. I felt alive, I could see my breath, hang like a coud in front of my face. It misted up my glasses as the air temperature changed.
Today I am writing again. I have stories to tell. I am pouring my thoughts and feelings out into this journal so they are no longer a burden, no longer a heaviness I have to carry around. I feel light again and my mind has slowed down, the sleepless manic has subsided.
“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love. However you are at this moment, when you can accept that you are loveable, then the fear starts to dissolve. It’s allowing your own beauty. It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff. Just another radiant bit of light, another soul. And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. You realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is. That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”
“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love.
It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff. Just another radiant bit of light, another soul. And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. Your realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is. That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”
I felt unlovable. The experience of having someone leave you abruptly, having your heart and expectations dashed, battling through a relationship where trust has been broken, or suddenly not having a long term partner in your life, even if it was more about the company. All these things play with my subconscious, make my heart hurt, make my inner psyche doubt my worth. It’s those feeling of unworthiness that I inflict on myself, wounds that take so long to heal. Those moments where I literally feel the energy in my chest feeling like it is ripping my soul in two. Feeling vulnerability so intensely it feels like emotions are bleeding out of my chest.
I’m glad I’ve felt this. I’m glad I’ve had my heart proverbially ripped out and stomped on. That at the most difficult time of my life where my family relationship was strained, I thought I was losing a parent, I also lost my relationship, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I’m glad that happened. I’m glad she did what was best for her, I hold no resentment at all towards her. I’m grateful that I’ve had this opportunity to leave that life behind and use this pain to awaken to, use this sorrow to become aware, it has been the catalyst so introspect and develop the most wonderful relationship with myself.
I’m glad I got to tear down everything I thought really mattered to me, everything that I really thought I wanted. It has been a jetpack booster to my spiritual journey. My journey to find my power to find my heart, find connection and intimacy without expectation, to feel loved again. To unpack why I fell to pieces, what actually I felt like lost, what I actually gained, and the beauty of that experience.
Rejection made me question and realise how much I’d forgotten how much love I’ve got inside of me. I don’t think love comes from an outside source. It comes from loving myself, living to my own standards and making my own happiness on my terms a priority. Living my authenticness, what makes me uniquely me – when I put that energy out to the universe I stop needing to rely external validation. My life source comes from within, and in a world that rewards success, weight loss, worships superficial beauty standards to be in my own power, loving myself as I am, doing the things that really make me happy – is the most powerful rebellious act of social defiance. It’s not a big thing, it’s correcting someone who tells me I am more desirable because I am skinny, it’s acknowledging that not having / making lots of money doesn’t make me a failure, supporting my friends who choose to not take the traditional life trajectory of relationship, job, house career kids, and being there with them as they explore their squiggly line journey to what makes them happy, discovering what defines success for them.
One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown says, “What we know is that connection – the ability to feel connected – is why we’re here … It’s what brings purpose to our lives.” I love that she has extensively researched this unknown entity that keeps people all around us from being connected – despite so many of our social behaviours being driven by the lure of being more connected, but leading instead to competition based vanity stats driven validation.
“Shame is … easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection?” The thoughts we have undermine ourselves. Our minds tell us “I’m not ______ enough [for intimate connections]”
How I have struggled with even the mere idea of excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, I have to allow myself to really be seen by others, to open ourselves to the vague potential of hurt or pain again. “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness,” Brown says, “but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
Today I feel worthy, I allow myself to be imperfect, to have my creative endeavors be different to society’s idea of success, to celebrate the precious moments of love that I share. I am so much more determined – more than ever to live my life wholeheartedly, to be willing to let go of who I think I should be, who I think the world thinks I should be, in order to be who only and completely who i am… I am more than anything else, willing to be vulnerable.
Every day I want to ask myself – “how can I let myself be seen today, deeply seen, vulnerably seen. How can I share my love with my whole heart, even though there’s no guarantee and nothing I can grasp to with any feeling or assurance of permanence. How can I practice gratitude and joy in those moments of sheer terror, to remind myself that feeling this vulnerable means I’m alive. Even if I feel like I’m running blindly towards my adventure and the unknown.
To every day tell myself, to tell myself so often that I truly believe that I’m enough. I’m enough and all I ever need. I don’t need anyone to be happy, but I can share my happiness with someone, I can share my love with others, and not run out, and not find it or need it from them. That I can self generate all I need, that am enough.
I am enough even if I ask for help, I am enough even when things don’t go as planned. I am enough even when things aren’t a financial success, that I am even enough when all I got out of it was learning how to do it better next time. I am enough even when I slip back into old patterns or habits, because I have felt pain, and sorry that has made me aware, and I can never ever lose that awareness of my power, being enough. Sharing my love with no expectations having it come back to me like a tidal wave of wonderful experiences that I didn’t expect, intimacy and connection like I’ve never experienced before. Feelings in my heart that tear me apart with what feels like the complete opposite of a breaking heart. One that overflows with love, gratitude and vulnerable feelings of love with no grasping, or expectations. It’s scary, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
As soon as I choose to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, deeply and completely, I discovered that I attract and keep those around me will who will accept and love me in exactly the same way I do.
I am capable of loving, sharing my love and also of accepting the love from anyone who wants to receive my love, or who wants to offer it. I do not need to place standards on myself that determine, how “together” I am, what I’ve achieved or what stage of my life I need to be at before I am loved, or worth of love. I just need to open, be wholehearted and vulnerable. My own self-esteem and self-love is what determines whether I choose to remain around people who bring me down, memories of people who hurt me, or times when I didn’t love myself, and placed myself in the line of fire. When I choose and decide that I am worthy of more, that I am enough, and deserving of the greatest levels that love has to offer, that is when the love, intimacy and connection, the healing magick has started to happen in my life. It blows me away.
All my life I have struggled with my mind being so afraid of being alone. Rewriting this pattern is probably the hardest journey I’ve been on, and I know I’m still on it; because being alone made me feel unworthy and unlovable. Recognising this, I am starting work towards believing I am enough alone, loving myself alone, and as I am, authentically right now.