I cried.

I haven’t cried properly in months. I know something in my crying ability feels broken.

Today I got out of the shower. It was a long hot shower, I was alone, it is super early and my body hurts. I haven’t been to the gym to feel into my body in ages. I stretched and moved my muscles a bit so I’m really not surprised that once woken up, my body just reacted with tears.

I’ve spent the last two days doubting myself. What am I doing? Am I really in love, is this a good idea, is this the right thing to do. I’ve been telling myself to stop the self sabotage. To stop checking out mentally of where I am and getting lost in the mire of what ifs, and shoulda, coulda, and woulda’s. I don’t want to make myself miserable when I’m supposed to be enjoying this new experience and change in my life. But bodies are loud and I knew it was trying to tell me something.

As I was crying it felt good. Like all these relationship changes have again brought up my heartbreak. That fact that I’m getting loved and touched tenderly has triggered so many feelings of loss and hurt. How much I emotionally invested in my relationship with her being “the one”. I wanted my relationship with her to last forever. How I had always seen visions of us together when we were old. How I’d set my heart on that. When it didn’t last, my expectations killed my heart, killed my optimism and belief in love. Now here I am, feeling cared for and seen and I am sad. Why?! Letting go, that love, creating space to be vulnerable, allowing someone in. Letting go thinking of that relationship as my highlight. Letting go of my feelings of her as the love of my life. Hurt and heartbreak and now it is time to let alllll of that go again, and in a different way..

To grieve and breathe, and feel and be okay that this is new, and scary. Crying is good. I am glad I am crying, letting go of the hurt and heartbreak that has haunted me for so long. I can’t continue to let it have this hold on me, but it feels like a huge relief to be able to put it into words. To be processing through it, working out why I was tormenting myself and what was wrong in my head. Now the voices have all gone quiet.

Now I feel like I’m not going crazy, that maybe I can stop worrying constantly about if I am or am not doing the right thing. It feels like the words in my head were a reaction to a feeling and hurt heart triggered by this new love in my life. I was trying to remove the symptoms not the root cause. Sure running away from the newness in my life would stop the hurt and worry and feelings of grief and loss, but it wouldn’t have made me any happier. I’d be left with only those feelings to hold onto.

Crying is such a cathartic breakthrough feeling, I really hope I am always able to process and express my heart through this. Realising where this is coming from sitting in the bathroom, fresh out of the shower with my red nose, eyes leaking profusely and my face buried in a towel.

I want to let the hurt go again and again. I did a lone ritual on Williamstown beach as my sanctuary, a wild place I felt safe, and now I want to do that again. Let go of the things that hurt me, the expectations that I had on that relationship and even my expectations of myself or this new relationship. Writing them down, allowing kind space for myself to cry and burn all that rubbish, horrible self talk and the heart and heartbreak of the past up.

I loved and lost in that relationship.
That doesn’t mean I can’t love again.
I loved and decided that relationship was my forever.
It wasn’t. Doesn’t mean that long term love isn’t out of reach.
Our mental connection was so good, and our chemistry was beautiful.
But my need for intimacy and emotional support needs were manipulated.
Now I am having those needs met in a non manipulative way and it is incredible.
That relationship meant the world to me
But maybe those were all my expectations
Now I have to learn to trust myself again
Maybe deciding in myself that she was the one and being disappointed
Broke the trust I have with myself to make good decisions in my own best interest
I was attracted to her, I put her on a pedestal, I adored her,
That was all me, I chose her as the object for that attention,
I can choose that again, and can allow those feelings to grow slowly
Just because something was intense, addictive and infatuating
Doesn’t mean that something that is softer, more tender and just there for me,
Is wrong, or undeserved, or something I should run away from
That intense addictive feeling may be the addiction I have to unhealthy dynamics
This relationship is so different from the past one,
So unfamiliar, so challenging because it is all the things
I’ve had to work to “earn” or push to receive in a relationship before
Now I don’t have to beg to be touched
Now I don’t have to ask for intimacy
When I ask how she is feeling she tells me, simply
I need to stop over complicating it for myself.
To stop looking for an addictive hard work relationship that I am so used to
Here I have a supportive, caring, new relationship right here in front of me

I can’t be attached to it lasting forever.
I can’t be attached to her being the one
I won’t expect it to feel the same or better than that crazy infatuation feeling
I won’t let me psyche rule my heart.
I CAN show up
I can open up
I can take a risk
I can let go of my hurt from the past
I can choose openness
I can stop dwelling in the past
I can stop idolising something that wasn’t perfect
I can reset my own expectations
I can show love
I can be gentle and caring
I am loveable
I am worth loving
I am able to see love
I am able to choose things that are good for me
I am able to look after someone I care about
I am able to open up to someone I care about
I am able to trust again
I am able to trust myself again
I am able to trust someone else again