Fear doesn’t have a volume control – any time you try something new it thinks you will wind up dead. Stop and think about the times fear has saved your life, and then think of the time where fear doesn’t have perspective or the big picture that you have in your consciousness. Fear and creativity will always be linked. Remember the opposite of depression is vitality. There is enough within me that I inspire myself, that my sense of adventure or curiosity can thank my fear for highlighting the risks and encourage myself to make a decisions that move me forward, even just slightly joyfully.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for quite a while. Becoming a photographer, calling myself an artist has almost literally come out of nowhere. In looking back on my life so far, I see all the experiences I’ve had that have taught me the background to what I know. I’m not here by accident, I’m not doing this work because I am unqualified. This is my passion purpose for now, and I will continue to evolve with it as it also evolves, as is the impermanent nature of life. This is my story of gratitude.
I was in the shower when the conceptual idea of creating my photographic Queer Tarot Cards. I’m not the only one who’s had this idea either but I’m excited that I have opportunity to express my iteration of this inspiration. So when my inspiration came to me, in a skin tingling moment of clarity it lit a fire under my butt like I hadn’t felt in ages. I feel calm and clear headed in the shower, a place where nothing else seems to matter past the warmth and water on my skin.
I believe in magickal spirit beings, and to me inspiration is the personification of exactly that. That mischievous sprite flys with the wind, getting carried with swirls and turns to the east and west. In all it’s travels it is looking for a way to become realised, to be transported from the spirit realm into the human realm, and I believe this is not just a one way journey. Sometimes we wake up in the morning and think “OOOOHhhhh I’ve had this marvelous idea, or oh what an amazing dream.” If we do not capture that, weather it be writing it down or taking action to realise that idea, it can and will leave, float away, drift off to another being to be realised. Have you ever heard stories about someone saying “Oh that was MY idea” or “I was going to write that book?” Do you think this is a coincidence. They did indeed have that idea, and maybe they didn’t give it their due diligence, love, attention or action it was looking for. I think an idea or inspiration can also be realised be several people. Maybe that wind of creativity blows through me, I feel it’s magick and bring that idea to life. But I have no ownership of it, I can’t keep it, or lock it up. In fact trying to do just that is a sure fire way of killing that inspiration.
So with that context – I have a contract with my creative work. I have a duty, and wonderful purpose to bring it to life. Right now it is my Queer Tarot project, in future it might be something new and different. My creativity inspires maintains and energises me, and will for the rest of my life. I will feel like a successful photographer, writer, creator and artist, before and after you guys call me a successful one. I am authentically honouring the gift of inspiration that has visited me, as well as expressing my soul through the creative process.
All my art is part of my journey taking me to the next level, and I don’t even know what that level is yet. There is nothing more successful than the person who is confident enough to be stupid, to take risks and put themselves out there. This is where the uncertainty of change comes in. I have been living in a life of constant change and uncertainty for the last 6 months, traveling, working for myself, and stripping my life of all the unnecessary fluff. Now I have just started a job here in Vancouver. My fear has wonderfully piped up and warned me of getting stuck, observing that I now have an hour and a half commute that is “wasted time, scaring me with the idea of losing my vitality and creative energy. I’m writing this letter in part to you, but predominantly to myself, to thank my fear, to hold space it for highlighting to me the things I now can be aware of taking action and making change in those areas. Yes, a 3 hour round trip commute feels like an absolute drag, but I’ve found podcasts I can listen to which light me up, I have laughed, smiled, and almost cried with the joy of listening, learning and exciting my mind. One of the podcasts Elizabeth Gilbert talked to a girl who described herself as having the most boring job in the world. Yes she did exactly the same thing every day, and I am grateful I am not in that position. I have creativity and variety in what I do, that I really enjoy. The thing I really took away is the highlight that nothing is ever static, there is energy all around, and especially in frustration there is much power to create the inertia for change or creativity.
My contract with my creative inspiration currently means I have to make my Queer Tarot project happen, to give up myself, or to give myself over to the call to create. Right now I am choosing the trade off of working and creating simultaneously so I can travel to meet and work with more people globally and create magick with them in 6 month time. What happens after that I don’t know, and I am happy to let that just sit. And I know that my inspiration owes me nothing, following it doesn’t guarantee success, it just offers me the transcendence of working with it at all. The dance that doesn’t include my ego, just the pure gratitude of showing up and actively participating in my own experience.
I feel an entitlement at my inner heart level. The joy and arrogance of belonging, of calling myself and artist or a photographer and owning it. I am, I am here, I have desires, I have voice, I have a statement to make and oh so much pleasure to pursue. I’m here to celebrate this particular magick of creation in my life. This is my curiosity, I am alive enough to see what that is. Today, this month, maybe this year, maybe even next year, Queer Tarot is my creative gift, my inspiration, the creative thing that consumes me. The only unique contribution we will make in the world is the gift of creativity. Creativity in whatever way I end up expressing it, is how I share my soul with the world.
As I write this, my fear crops up again. Am I sounding like a overly optimistic rose tinted dreamer writing all this. Then I think to the times when I’ve been told to “come back down to earth” or that my voice wasn’t worth hearing, or that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. These wounds I am healing in myself with a ruthless dedication to following my curiosity. Expressing my creativity. You know, it might not work every time, it won’t always see the light of day, I make and create far more than I share or I publish. But everything I do I am proud of, they contain a little of me, and little of that magickal gift of inspiration that I am so blessed and grateful to have been blessed with.
I am happy. I self generate my own happiness, and I am energised by following my creative curiosity. I wish sometimes to date, but getting past my fear of losing myself in a relationship is another story for another day. Thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me, for allowing me to be heard. Pen-pals, please write back to me, I would love to hear about your journey with fear and curiosity / creativity. If you want more, the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert is an amazing place to start.
Hello my friend, my new pen-pal – this is a love letter. I’m a long way away from NZ / Australia, I’m writing to you now before homesickness kicks in! I don’t think I’ve written anything or emailed anyone since March – It was a HUGE month. I went to Sydney had a fascinatingly sexy time there, ran a public Shibari Magick ritual then finished up the last Queer Tarot Exhibition held in Daylesford (the Queerest country town in Victoria). Then I moved out of my house in Melbourne, a few days later I was jet setting off to the Gold Coast for Cloud Catcher – two weeks after that I left for Canada!
Honestly, today I sat down to dye my hair and it is all slowly catching up with me.. Have you ever felt like you’re in such a big state of change, flux that your feet aren’t on the ground but you just have to keep moving or you’ll fall out of the tornado that you’ve created? I’m used to doing things with a really quickly. Deciding I’m going to do something then immediately making it happen. This whole year has felt like an ever escalating tornado, of learning, working, traveling and meeting new and wonderful people, that I’m likely never to forget.
I planned for months, and prepared, applied for my visa, downsized everything and got my life in order. I was leaving and I was doing it right. Also how powerful is manifestation? When I moved to Australia, I told myself and others, that I’d probably be there 5 years, then live somewhere else.. Then promptly forgot about it.
Here we are almost 5 years to the month later, and I’ve a flight ticket booked and a visa in hand realising that what you say with belief really does come to happen. I wanted to live in the northern hemisphere and here I am, falling slowly in love with this place. I’ve fallen out of love with cities and I’m just working out how to break up with them. Finding ways to live, support myself and make connections that don’t require being in the suburban jungle.
Back to manifestation. I’ve learned more about the power of manifestation in 6 months, than I could have imagined. I thrived, not just survived. I wanted to see more of Australia before I left the country, and managed to make it all the way to Byron Bay, the Gold Coast and Springbrook hinterlands to the misty mountains where the clouds reach in to touch the earth. After finishing up the last of my Queer Tarot Exhibitions, my energy and drive to keep shooting lulled. I was heavy with what I’d learned from doing the exhibitions and self doubt that I could have done it all so much better… Putting myself, my art and my expectations out there to be met with a different reaction to what I’d expected left me vulnerable and a little deflated.
I was reignited when I applied for a activist scholarship to Cloud Catcher Witch Camp. All of you who are in my tarot cards helped me make this happen. Looking at the difference it’s made to your lives, stating what the importance to you of a Queer Tarot deck or a platform for yours and other Queer Voices – stirred up the fire in me again. With the support of Spencer of Magick Australia, who I owe deep gratitude to I got accepted and met 90+ amazing witches, pagans, seers and fairies. I don’t think I’ve felt more accepted as “Me” in a way it was safe to be a sobbing mess, and simultaneously a confident speaker sharing my passion for a topic or leading ritual, all while having space held for me. I LOVE YOU and thank you, I know you all are reading this.
In the last 2 months before I left Australia I shot over 20 tarot cards! I have still more than half that many to edit and produce, but I am slowly getting there, finding my feet here in Vancouver, a rhythm and routine. Soon I will write about my journeys with each tarot card, how I experience them through the stories that I’m told, through the magick we create. I shot 6 cards at witch camp with wonderful humans. I’m not sure how we fitted it in, but I am grateful for the trust they showed in my, having really only just met me, to then tell their stories.
I crammed in 6 photoshoots in the very last week before I left. A reignited sense of urgency, and passion consuming me, where I probably should have rested more, I didn’t I worked, traveled rushed around and enjoyed every second of it. I love my periods of isolate, reclusiveness and hidden activity but I also love my Yang energy, fiery, extroverted and on go. This inspiration has a hold of me, a possession, obsession, passion project and I love it. I will write soon at length the story I feel about how this happened, and how this inspiration chose me to come to form, to find a way to be realised.
Manifesting in a way I decide with complete definitiveness what I want, then put it out there to the universe. In retrospect the universe has a wonderful way of testing my resolve to do all the things that I’d said I really wanted to do.
I wanted to work for myself full time? Yes okay, then here is a redundancy package so you can move, and test out supporting yourself full time for 4 months before you leave while you have lots of support and friends around you.
You want to live a mobile life? Okay well test if you can handle it by living out of your car and on people’s couches for a month in a city where you know lots of people and have all the options.
Want to live a more simple, less material life? Okay well downsize your entire life and material possessions into two suitcases, and really two suitcases because you’re gonna have to lug them around a while before you leave!
Now? How do I want to support myself and travel here in Canada? Thanks Universe, I’m ready to keep learning.
Well they let me into the country and I truly am thankful for all my blessings. I wanted to first of all live with a friend or someone I knew a little when I first got to Canada. Well my friends manifestation WORKS!! Not only am I sitting writing this from the most beautiful house, with wonderful housemates, the spring blossoms are out, the weather is crisp but warm, and hopefully I shall have a vehicle soon too. More about that when it happens.
I’ve put together a wee photo gallery of all my adventures here in Canada so far – Click here to take a look.
When I said I cleaned my office, I meant a pathway from the door to my desk.
I think you are SPECtacular. Sometimes all you need is a new perspective. Don’t call the world dirty just because you forgot to clean your glasses. Other than an opportunity to show off my new glasses! I think I’ve found my true love…
I mean amazing milkshakes and free Internet to supplement my work /life balance. I’ve been working heaps lately and sometimes it’s really super nice to be around others while working. thanks Rowena Parade cafe milk bar I think you’ll be my business home away from home “out of the office” office.
I like that glasses suggest intelligence rather than broken eyes.
Right okay. Great advice thank you. But where does one start? Google? Bank advice website? The government’s website?
Okay so I looked at the last two and got some great advice but no real connections or pointers of where to go. So I’m trying google. YAY google… I’ll keep a broad perspective and also you, know a running update of how it all goes!
Lawyers: not a good topic to google, firstly I have only half an idea of what I need one for.
A) what kind of business am I setting up and how will that effect tax and hopefully one day in the faaaar distant future, paying myself…
B) Contracts, e-commerce T’s and C’s and all those other agreements that one must have when business involves not just working with ones’ self only! People! Community!!
Lawyers scare me. Last time I had to use one it was a super SUPER messy tenants vs tenants vs landlords three way load of bullshit. I was left paying for it for ages afterwards even tho it was all in the end a giant waste of time. I’m determined that this time they’re gonna work for me, not just help protect me. I feel that the concept is different, even if it is only in my head.
I’ve found five or so different Lawyers that according to google and their amazing SEO says they “specialise” in small business set up. This looks promising, most of them have payment plans – Lawyer speak for: “This is still going to be expensive but look we’re helping you”.
I even read one interesting article about how the lawyer business model of charging by the hour is super out of date. In my current position I’m inclined to agree. I know I’ll probably not get this option, but “Paying for Value” just seems like a much more valuable way to go, especially for a small start up business – or “pre-start-up”.
When do I officially become a business? I already have an ABN of my own… I have a business name now that I really like (BONUS). Is it when I invest my first $1? I have no idea! However to me, technically my time is worth something so in my head I’M IN BUSINESS! This is exciting.
I’m waiting to see how long after my appointment with the Lawyer how much of my excitement I have left… I’m sure I shouldn’t be cynical about this, there is always a way to make a dream happen, it is just all about figuring out all the how to make it work. I’m just scared about that bill – I guess this will be my first capital investment.
Further to this. TRUST YOUR SELF – Have courage to take the risks!
As far as all the things one might need to start up a small business. Even I am overwhelmed, I got to this site and was thinking –“I didn’t know I might need even half of these things!”. I figure, I may do, down the track, currently lets just start with one thing at a time. I had a chat with one of my other good friends who asked me what type of company I was going to set up. Good question. A company company, a business. Incorporated, not for profit, sole trader.. Right okay. I’ll let you know how that appointment goes on this one.
I’ve always had a dream. A dream of not working for the man. Funny – Burning Man, growing up reading “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and “Who moved my cheese”.. What would you expect from this colourful adventure seeking part time hippie!? Yes. SELF employed.
Back in New Zealand I was (kind sometimes still am) part of an amazing blogging community. These amazing people blogged their hearts out – www.danijustis.com www.aych.com being two of my favourites. I kinda did however I was, I’m an ashamedly admitting it – in it for the fun, parties and perks. One of THOSE bloggers. I had a full time job and flexible hours when I needed them to run off for a week to Fashion week or other events. GLAMOUROUS.
Well you’d think so, mainly it’s a huge amount of planning, writing about things you do, and can feel SUPER narcissistic if you really aren’t clear about what or why you’re doing it. It wasn’t a business for me, so I often felt bad. Or felt super cheeky when I got stuff I felt like I hadn’t earned.
I work in Education. Education is such a broad industry let me explain. There are Uni’s and schools. There is corporate education – this is where I work. I’ve been doing internal training, Leadership development, sales coaching and a myriad of other things that relate to corporate skill sets and training. This is cool, rewarding and interesting, but HOW was I going to go into business. Blogging and doing this kind of education just didn’t connect without me becoming a contractor and just charging higher rates to still do other people’s work! UGH Oh well. I knew it would come sometime, in the interim I’ve been committed to learning as much as I could so I knew I’d be able to promote myself – What ever I knew I’d end up doing. Preparation much!? Funny.
THIS WEEKEND – I was at a Tarot workshop and it was the best! I’ll have more to say about that soon, I just haven’t gotten my ass around to writing all about it yet. This new blogging energy has only just kicked in.
Any ways, to the point.. This weekend it finally hit me! I knew what I wanted to do. More than that I KNEW I would have all the skills I needed to actually make it happen! I was driving back in my little Turtle 2.0 car from Daylesford and my mind was literally going on HYPER drive. I love it when this happens. So full of ideas that I want to ring everyone and talk at 130048589303 miles per hour. I’m super excited and have been trying to connect with all the people I know who are also in their own businesses because what better than NOT doing everything alone. Support, questions, etc, I know I’m going to have them. Bring it on.