The Arrogance of Belonging

The Arrogance of Belonging

I have a public Voice:  Deciding to create is scary, deciding to create in a field where there are already thousands of products is scarier.  That point of pressing the go button that I realised this project will have so many eyes on it, and that my art is out there for public opinion is daunting.  To be rejected and criticised is the tax I will pay on having a public voice.  Even really the loudest critic I have to work with is the one that lives inside my own head. Radio K-Fuck has been saying all these things to me in the last few weeks:

– You’re not a photographer
– Your photos aren’t very ood
– You’ve never made a documentary before
– You have no idea how to run a crowdfunding campaign
– You’re not an expert Tarot reader
– What makes you an authority to decide this should be created
– People will think you are narccasistic
– You don’t have any qualifications in this field
– Will anyone really care once it’s been created
– That’s alot of effort to put into creating if no one knows it exists
– What if you get called a fraud?
– People will think you’ve only done it for money
Thank you for coming on this journey with me.  Here is my pep-talk to myself.
I am in deep love with my creative project, but am realising that it must not be my child.  I can nurture, create and foster it all through the creation process, but once it is done, I must let it go.  I am not doing this to get hundreds of followers.  I create my art from a place of creative necessity, that speaks from the darkest places in my heart. I create out of pure love of the creation process.  Telling my story is the only story that I can tell. The only story I am qualified to tell. Not to tell my story, and how I am finding, learning and growing myself through my Queer Tarot Project would feel like I was living a fake life.
What motivates me with this project is the need to be seen, to be known… Hell I don’t even need to be liked. I just want people to say “I see you.” To me, my definition of being an artist is: walking through the world saying “don’t erase me.”  I feel like this is my journey to finding my voice, unblocking the fear of being shot down for speaking up or having an opinion  In the case of my Queer Tarot project I think that collective “me” resonates.  It is saying that “We matter. Our stories matter, and we have a place in tarot and other forms of spiritual or esoteric practices”.
I need to know that I’m here, and alive. I need to know that you feel that Im here. I’m still learning what it feels like to be okay to take up this space in the world. To create, to make things, to make art, and say to the World, “Here I am”.  It is through this project, every time I create a new Tarot card with someone, that I am finding the lost pieces of myself, healing the brokenness of my confidence, finding again the magick and light in my soul.  Physically, mentally and emotionally living the lessons of each card as it comes alive.
My older, wiser (some how that seems perfectly logical) future self would say to me, “Stop being so hard on yourself, you’re doing just fine, just keep at it. You are more courageous than you think.” Thanking the inner critic radio for keeping me alive today and deciding to take those risks, and jump into the fire feet first. I realised just now that I live terrifyingly. I consistently and on-purpose, put myself in situations where I absolutely have no idea what I’m doing, then FURIOUSLY go about learning every single thing I can to become proficient at the thing I’m trying to do.
– Moving countries
– Applying for jobs
– Starting my own business
– Making Tarot Cards
– Making a documentary
– Making image-recognition fancy thing for my tarot cards
– Dating… haha
This I guess is the arrogance of belonging. I belong here because I have showed up to learn, create and do the work. I may not be the best or even the worst but I have showed up to my life and I am here and creating shit.  “You’re out of your mind.” “Good, all the best things happen outside of mind.” I have to remind myself that this applies to all of this list I just wrote.
Over and over again, but although right now at this very moment of writing I feel incredibly uncomfortable with this change and the flux I’m going through, it is also an environment that I flourish in: It’s challenging, with lots of opportunity to lear and try new things. Thanks Amy for helping make this okay for myself again.  I am still getting used to the idea that I find my power when I feel the most powerless. When I feel the most restless I will find ways of channeling that energy into creativity.
Life doesn’t happen to me, it happens FOR me, And I keep doing these things for myself not too myself.  It’s not enough to love my art, I must believe my art, my Queer Tarot project, all you wonderful humans who have touched my life with your stories – that you love me back.
What makes it all just a little bit easier is the knowledge that there is nothing I can put out there that is truely my own. Every idea has already been done before, even this idea of a Queer Tarot deck.  I started and immediately found 5 or 6 people already creating their own interpretation of what this idea brought to them.   All I can do is follow the fire in me and share it with my voice and my experience.  That is all that is unique about this – Me.
I love you, wholeheartedly.
xxx
Flossy
Talk to yourself like you talk to those you love: Fear has no volume control.

Talk to yourself like you talk to those you love: Fear has no volume control.

Fear doesn’t have a volume control – any time you try something new it thinks you will wind up dead. Stop and think about the times fear has saved your life, and then think of the time where fear doesn’t have perspective or the big picture that you have in your consciousness. Fear and creativity will always be linked. Remember the opposite of depression is vitality. There is enough within me that I inspire myself, that my sense of adventure or curiosity can thank my fear for highlighting the risks and encourage myself to make a decisions that move me forward, even just slightly joyfully.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for quite a while. Becoming a photographer, calling myself an artist has almost literally come out of nowhere. In looking back on my life so far, I see all the experiences I’ve had that have taught me the background to what I know. I’m not here by accident, I’m not doing this work because I am unqualified. This is my passion purpose for now, and I will continue to evolve with it as it also evolves, as is the impermanent nature of life. This is my story of gratitude.

I was in the shower when the conceptual idea of creating my photographic Queer Tarot Cards. I’m not the only one who’s had this idea either but I’m excited that I have opportunity to express my iteration of this inspiration. So when my inspiration came to me, in a skin tingling moment of clarity it lit a fire under my butt like I hadn’t felt in ages. I feel calm and clear headed in the shower, a place where nothing else seems to matter past the warmth and water on my skin.

I believe in magickal spirit beings, and to me inspiration is the personification of exactly that. That mischievous sprite flys with the wind, getting carried with swirls and turns to the east and west. In all it’s travels it is looking for a way to become realised, to be transported from the spirit realm into the human realm, and I believe this is not just a one way journey. Sometimes we wake up in the morning and think “OOOOHhhhh I’ve had this marvelous idea, or oh what an amazing dream.” If we do not capture that, weather it be writing it down or taking action to realise that idea, it can and will leave, float away, drift off to another being to be realised. Have you ever heard stories about someone saying “Oh that was MY idea” or “I was going to write that book?” Do you think this is a coincidence. They did indeed have that idea, and maybe they didn’t give it their due diligence, love, attention or action it was looking for. I think an idea or inspiration can also be realised be several people. Maybe that wind of creativity blows through me, I feel it’s magick and bring that idea to life. But I have no ownership of it, I can’t keep it, or lock it up. In fact trying to do just that is a sure fire way of killing that inspiration.

So with that context – I have a contract with my creative work. I have a duty, and wonderful purpose to bring it to life. Right now it is my Queer Tarot project, in future it might be something new and different. My creativity inspires maintains and energises me, and will for the rest of my life. I will feel like a successful photographer, writer, creator and artist, before and after you guys call me a successful one. I am authentically honouring the gift of inspiration that has visited me, as well as expressing my soul through the creative process.

All my art is part of my journey taking me to the next level, and I don’t even know what that level is yet. There is nothing more successful than the person who is confident enough to be stupid, to take risks and put themselves out there. This is where the uncertainty of change comes in. I have been living in a life of constant change and uncertainty for the last 6 months, traveling, working for myself, and stripping my life of all the unnecessary fluff. Now I have just started a job here in Vancouver. My fear has wonderfully piped up and warned me of getting stuck, observing that I now have an hour and a half commute that is “wasted time, scaring me with the idea of losing my vitality and creative energy. I’m writing this letter in part to you, but predominantly to myself, to thank my fear, to hold space it for highlighting to me the things I now can be aware of taking action and making change in those areas. Yes, a 3 hour round trip commute feels like an absolute drag, but I’ve found podcasts I can listen to which light me up, I have laughed, smiled, and almost cried with the joy of listening, learning and exciting my mind. One of the podcasts Elizabeth Gilbert talked to a girl who described herself as having the most boring job in the world. Yes she did exactly the same thing every day, and I am grateful I am not in that position. I have creativity and variety in what I do, that I really enjoy. The thing I really took away is the highlight that nothing is ever static, there is energy all around, and especially in frustration there is much power to create the inertia for change or creativity.

My contract with my creative inspiration currently means I have to make my Queer Tarot project happen, to give up myself, or to give myself over to the call to create. Right now I am choosing the trade off of working and creating simultaneously so I can travel to meet and work with more people globally and create magick with them in 6 month time. What happens after that I don’t know, and I am happy to let that just sit. And I know that my inspiration owes me nothing, following it doesn’t guarantee success, it just offers me the transcendence of working with it at all. The dance that doesn’t include my ego, just the pure gratitude of showing up and actively participating in my own experience.

I feel an entitlement at my inner heart level. The joy and arrogance of belonging, of calling myself and artist or a photographer and owning it. I am, I am here, I have desires, I have voice, I have a statement to make and oh so much pleasure to pursue. I’m here to celebrate this particular magick of creation in my life. This is my curiosity, I am alive enough to see what that is. Today, this month, maybe this year, maybe even next year, Queer Tarot is my creative gift, my inspiration, the creative thing that consumes me. The only unique contribution we will make in the world is the gift of creativity. Creativity in whatever way I end up expressing it, is how I share my soul with the world.

As I write this, my fear crops up again. Am I sounding like a overly optimistic rose tinted dreamer writing all this. Then I think to the times when I’ve been told to “come back down to earth” or that my voice wasn’t worth hearing, or that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. These wounds I am healing in myself with a ruthless dedication to following my curiosity. Expressing my creativity. You know, it might not work every time, it won’t always see the light of day, I make and create far more than I share or I publish. But everything I do I am proud of, they contain a little of me, and little of that magickal gift of inspiration that I am so blessed and grateful to have been blessed with.

I am happy. I self generate my own happiness, and I am energised by following my creative curiosity. I wish sometimes to date, but getting past my fear of losing myself in a relationship is another story for another day. Thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me, for allowing me to be heard. Pen-pals, please write back to me, I would love to hear about your journey with fear and curiosity / creativity. If you want more, the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert is an amazing place to start.

Love xxx

Flossy

Photography Practice

Photography Practice

A whole day editing photos!  I’ll remember to edit them as I take them in future.  I still haven’t even downloaded the photos from the shoot I did yesterday.  However here’s to sharing what I’ve created so far… Enjoy xxx

Click on this link to view the whole album.

The House of Tarot

Tarot Tarot Tarot Tarot: The joys of a witchy queer!

As a fiery red head for about 6 months LOTS has changed in my life.  In one sense I’ve calmed down. In an other I’m 3 times more radical and out there.  I’m living more and more my true self.  Backing myself.   Saying NO when I mean it and not backing down, and saying YES with confidence when I believe whole heartedly in or about something… It’s incredibly exciting.

These photo are from the FECK Melbourne art competition exhibition Gallery opening.  They are glorious and I love the celebration of the Sacred Yoni and feminine intimacy.  Love it.  That whole night was a completely crazy experience.  Black light body paint = nakedness.  That is a story for another time

Today my #WILDUNKNOWNTAROT cards arrive.  The Wild Unknown Tarot from “The Little Red Tarot” Queer tarot community site are soooooo gorgeous.  I’ve take a picture of a bunch of my absolute favourites.  They’re dark but bright and colourful and I feel so excited to use them soon.  I’m going to a large class/ workshop on Tarot this weekend, I can’t wait to be a sponge and absorb and learn all I can using these.  Above you can see my notebook where I write down all my readings.  Most all the ones I do myself for myself.  It’s interesting and I’m slowly memorising all the meanings and the depth to the cards, each book I read adds another layer to the interpretations – sometimes remembering all the information just seems so overwhelming.. BUT reading with a book still leaves it open for the feeling and energy to come through and room for the interpretations of the moment.
Wonderful Witchy Wednesday

Wonderful Witchy Wednesday

Wild Witchy Wonderful Wednesday.

I was going to do another “Things I love Thursday” as I haven’t done one in I think at least over a year.  But here I am, on a Wednesday writing again.   Today I feel rested, invigorated, lighter, happy, excited and ON.


I think tonight will be my Spring Clean night.  The intensity of the Moon has died down, the Eclipse has happened and my body is starting to recover.  I’m successfully fighting off a flu with Androgrphis, Echnacia and Olive leave – which has surprised me.  My major injury of last week; a dislocated elbow has calmed down.  It’s not broken which is a HUGE relief and I have physio today!

I’ll do a Tarot Card reading tonight as this is a real change – I feel seriously on the cusp of something magical and very exciting.   I have no idea what, but I think writing this down, sharing it is putting the magic out there and I’ll look back on this post and have that glorious moment of realisation.

I had a very real moment of intuitive magical foresight or deja vu last week.  To the point of thinking I think this IS going to happen, I can feel it.  Literally not more than 10-20 minutes later BAM.  Bicycle accident.  Dislocated elbow, sore hands and skinned knees.  I was travelling slower than I would have been otherwise and SO many people jumped out to help me, it was a moment that really restored my faith in Humanity.

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Unplugging: reconnect with Nature

Unplugging: reconnect with Nature

Amazing views from the top of the hills, all over the bay.  What you can’t see is all the tiny yachts and sail boats. The seagulls soaring around over head. And the smell of the ocean.
This is how you do camping, yes otherwise known as Glamping. It’s practically luxury.. Luxury wrapped in 4 walls of canvas. The sand, sea smells, moonlit walks on the beach at 1am.

Bacon and eggs cooked under the trees, delicious hot and sweetly smelling mixed with the scent of pine cones and damp earth.  Followed by a cheeky magpie looking for food tit bits.
Wineries you know will be good, when you drive up and smell sweet fermented grapes.  Walk in past barrels of Pino Gris… I tasted, appreciated and snaffled me a bottle!
Nothing beats mood lighting for Tarot cards like this.. candles, sea breeze.  Mmmm so delicious.
All that white sand and seaweed.  
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