I am Loveable. Reframing loneliness and feelings of unworthiness

I am Loveable. Reframing loneliness and feelings of unworthiness

I am Loveable.

“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love.

However you are at this moment, when you can accept that you are loveable, then the fear starts to dissolve. It’s allowing your own beauty. Click To Tweet

It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff.  Just another radiant bit of light, another soul.  And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. Your realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is.  That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”

I felt unlovable. The experience of having someone leave you abruptly, having your heart and expectations dashed, battling through a relationship where trust has been broken, or suddenly not having a long term partner in your life, even if it was more about the company.  All these things play with my subconscious, make my heart hurt, make my inner psyche doubt my worth.  It’s those feeling of unworthiness that I inflict on myself, wounds that take so long to heal.  Those moments where I literally feel the energy in my chest feeling like it is ripping my soul in two.  Feeling vulnerability so intensely it feels like emotions are bleeding out of my chest.

I’m glad I’ve felt this.  I’m glad I’ve had my heart proverbially ripped out and stomped on.  That at the most difficult time of my life where my family relationship was strained, I thought I was losing a parent, I also lost my relationship, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that happened.  I’m glad she did what was best for her, I hold no resentment at all towards her. I’m grateful that I’ve had this opportunity to leave that life behind and use this pain to awaken to, use this sorrow to become aware, it has been the catalyst so introspect and develop the most wonderful relationship with myself.

I’m glad I got to tear down everything I thought really mattered to me, everything that I really thought I wanted. It has been a jetpack booster to my spiritual journey.  My journey to find my power to find my heart, find connection and intimacy without expectation, to feel loved again. To unpack why I fell to pieces, what actually I felt like lost, what I actually gained, and the beauty of that experience.

Rejection made me question and realise how much I’d forgotten how much love I’ve got inside of me. I don’t think love comes from an outside source. It comes from loving myself, living to my own standards and making my own happiness on my terms a priority. Living my authenticness, what makes me uniquely me – when I put that energy out to the universe I stop needing to rely external validation. My life source comes from within, and in a world that rewards success, weight loss, worships superficial beauty standards to be in my own power, loving myself as I am, doing the things that really make me happy – is the most powerful rebellious act of social defiance.  It’s not a big thing, it’s correcting someone who tells me I am more desirable because I am skinny, it’s acknowledging that not having / making lots of  money doesn’t make me a failure, supporting my friends who choose to not take the traditional life trajectory of relationship, job, house career kids, and being there with them as they explore their squiggly line journey to what makes them happy, discovering what defines success for them.

One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown says, “What we know is that connection – the ability to feel connected – is why we’re here … It’s what brings purpose to our lives.”  I love that she has extensively researched this unknown entity that keeps people all around us from being connected – despite so many of our social behaviours being driven by the lure of being more connected, but leading instead to competition based vanity stats driven validation.

How simple yet complicated to unpack that entity that kills, hampers or holds us back from our quest for connection is shame and fear. Click To Tweet

“Shame is … easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection?”  The thoughts we have undermine ourselves.  Our minds tell us “I’m not  ______ enough [for intimate connections]”

How I have struggled with even the mere idea of excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, I have to allow myself to really be seen by others, to open ourselves to the vague potential of hurt or pain again.  “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness,” Brown says, “but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”

Today I feel worthy, I allow myself to be imperfect, to have my creative endeavors be different to society’s idea of success, to celebrate the precious moments of love that I share.  I am so much more determined – more than ever to live my life wholeheartedly, to be willing to let go of who I think I should be, who I think the world thinks I should be, in order to be who only and completely who i am… I am more than anything else, willing to be vulnerable.

Every day I want to ask myself – “how can I let myself be seen today, deeply seen, vulnerably seen.  How can I share my love with my whole heart, even though there’s no guarantee and nothing I can grasp to with any feeling or assurance of permanence.  How can I practice gratitude and joy in those moments of sheer terror, to remind myself that feeling this vulnerable means I’m alive. Even if I feel like I’m running blindly towards my adventure and the unknown.

To every day tell myself, to tell myself so often that I truly believe that I’m enough. I’m enough and all I ever need.  I don’t need anyone to be happy, but I can share my happiness with someone, I can share my love with others, and not run out, and not find it or need it from them.  That I can self generate all I need, that am enough.  

I am enough even if I ask for help, I am enough even when things don’t go as planned.  I am enough even when things aren’t a financial success, that I am even enough when all I got out of it was learning how to do it better next time.  I am enough even when I slip back into old patterns or habits, because I have felt pain, and sorry that has made me aware, and I can never ever lose that awareness of my power, being enough.  Sharing my love with no expectations having it come back to me like a tidal wave of wonderful experiences that I didn’t expect, intimacy and connection like I’ve never experienced before.  Feelings in my heart that tear me apart with what feels like the complete opposite of a breaking heart.  One that overflows with love, gratitude and vulnerable feelings of love with no grasping, or expectations.  It’s scary, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

As soon as I choose to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, deeply and completely, I discovered that I attract and keep those around me will who will accept and love me in exactly the same way I do.

I am capable of loving, sharing my love and also of accepting the love from anyone who wants to receive my love, or who wants to offer it. I do not need to place standards on myself that determine, how “together” I am, what I’ve achieved or what stage of my life I need to be at before I am loved, or worth of love. I just need to open, be wholehearted and vulnerable. My own self-esteem and self-love is what determines whether I choose to remain around people who bring me down, memories of people who hurt me, or times  when I didn’t love myself, and placed myself in the line of fire.  When I choose and decide that I am worthy of more, that I am enough, and deserving of the greatest levels that love has to offer, that is when the love, intimacy and connection, the healing magick has started to happen in my life. It blows me away.  

All my life I have struggled with my mind being so afraid of being alone.  Rewriting this pattern is probably the hardest journey I’ve been on, and I know I’m still on it; because being alone made me feel unworthy and unlovable. Recognising this, I am starting work towards believing I am enough alone, loving myself alone, and as I am, authentically right now.

xxxx
Flossy

The Sun, The Moon & The Ascendant

The Sun, The Moon & The Ascendant

When considering energetic climates and their influences on the newborn, there are some particular astrological alignments that us amateur astrologers are the most familiar with. Nicknamed the ‘Big Three’, the positions of the Sun, the Moon and Ascendant are amongst the most discussed placements in personal natal charts. The Ascendant, or Rising Sign, is the zodiac sign that was ascending on the eastern horizon at the time of ones birth. It changes every two hours on average (emphasising the importance of knowing ones correct birth time when calculating a chart reading).

A person’s Sun placement directly influences their temporal self. The Sun represents life itself, and is much more tied to the physical than the Moon. While the placement of ones Moon pertains to their soul knowledge and eternal essence, the Sun’s placement is indicative of our current Earth-bound self.

The Sun influences the ego, personality and conscious expression of self. It is much more visible in the day-to-day than ones Moon expression (the ego’s whole purpose is to keep us alive and, thus, its cries are heard the loudest). Thus, ego (the Sun) tends to dominate over intuition (the Moon) in our expression and experience of self. It is a common challenge balancing the light of our Sun’s expression without it totally blinding us to the messages of our Moon.

Our emotions are intuitive messages themselves, and are the language of the Moon. Moon placement reflects the eternal self, also known as the higher self. It is the divine link between our physical embodiment and our eternal essence. It reveals our innermost nature, emotional nature, moods, instincts and intuition. As it is our most vulnerable aspect, it’s the most likely aspect of our expression to be hidden, or suppressed (seeing as it is our most vulnerable self). A person’s emotional needs are told here; what makes us feel stable.

The Sun Moon and ascendant Queer Author series Queer Astrology Create Magick

The Sun Moon and ascendant Queer Author series Queer Astrology Create Magick

Many astrologers look to a person’s Sun placement to identify major life lessons. For instance, a person may choose to incarnate under a Gemini Sun so as to amplify themes of interpersonal connection and finding ones voice in this life. We choose a specific Sun influence to amplify specific rhythms in our lives. If the Sun is our head and the Moon is our heart, the Ascendant is our skin.

Our Ascendant (also known as the Rising Sign) is the expression of self that is automatic upon social interaction, and it is largely protective. Some astrologers consider it ‘the mask’ we wear. The Ascendant marks the beginning of our 1st House of Self, which can fall anywhere, in any sign. This chart point is important to identify, as it informs us of all a person’s house positions, 1 through 12.

A person’s House positions are incredibly telling. But that’s for another time.

We choose our birth time prior to life here on Earth. Specific planetary alignments create specific energetic climates, and by opting into the energetic climate present at the time of ones birth, one harnesses specific influences. These influences add ingredients to the embodiment and experiences we intend to create. The parents and circumstances we opt into add further ingredients. All come together to propel us in the direction of fulfilling our specific missions, intentions and ‘life purposes’.

It is not often that we have just one life purpose upon coming to Earth – our eternal perspective (or higher self) usually has a range of life purposes, or pre-birth intentions. Mirroring this is the range of astrological influences present at our time of birth.

If you want to work out what your Sun, Moon and Rising signs are use these links for free Natal charts:

Astro.com

Cafe Astrology

Free Natal Chart

What being a Queer Witch means to me:

What being a Queer Witch means to me:

Being a witch means reclaiming my spiritual path as my own and letting expectations. Being a witch means celebrating my boundaries as respecting and valuing my own self worth.

Being a witch means respecting the cyclical nature of life. Not glamorising “happiness” or “success”, but making space for the shadow side of life and the shadow side of self. Celebrating the ebb as well as the flow.

“People fear what they can’t control. It reminds me of that quote about equality feeling like oppression to those who have always had the upper hand. ” Sollee says. “But we can use it to our advantage by embracing our deviancy in ways that confound those who seek to silence us. Their fear can become our power.”
Kristin J Sollee from, Witches, Sluts, Feminists: Conjuring the Sex Positive

Being a witch means being kind to all things, and all beings, respectful of nature, sentient beings and this world of humans. Most of all it means respecting and being kind to myself. Observing emotions without judgement.

Being a witch means not being afraid of death or change. Seeing the impermanence, death and rebirth in everything that happens all the time and being grateful for it.

Being a witch means being present. Aware of the present moment the present experiences. Not getting hung up on hope for the future or fear that something may not happen or that something may disappear. Being grateful for the joy, being grateful for the blessings of the moment I’m in right now. Learning and growing as each moment passes.

Being a witch means truly manifesting, setting intentions for good, setting the subconscious mind on a path then letting go all expectations. Making peace with an unknown future. Getting really clear on weather my desires are are an external “want” or a subconscious desire. Finding the root of my desires, and not covering my true self with all of that of the material world. Uncovering the truth of ME and releasing myself from the hangups of the world.

Being a witch is loving others, standing up for peace and kindness to all equally. Not afraid of standing out or breaking down the social and patriarchal norms or expectations of society.

Being a witch means feeling empathy, and acknowledging the pain around me, empathically sharing the emotions and pain of those under going hardship or suffering. It means breathing in and sitting with the pain I feel in these situations then breathing out relieve, amazing healing positive energy, both to myself and to those feeling pain.

Not judging myself for my empathic nature and connecting and sitting in the pain I feel. Not judging myself for feeling, caring and hurting when I experience pain myself or see it around me. Feeling grateful and blessed for the range and vastness of the emotional capacity I possess. Allowing space to celebrate this empathy and the way it shapes my mind set actions and striving to be more accepting and gentle with those around me.

Being a witch means breathing in a feeling of hot, dark and heavy – a sense of claustrophobia – and then breathing out a feeling of cool, bright and light – a sense of freshness. Breathing in completely, through all the pores of my body, and breathing out, radiating out, completely, through all the pores of my body. If I am feeling inadequate, down, or judgemental towards myself – breathing that in for me and all others in the same boat. Breathing out and sending out confidence, adequacy and love or relief of any form that comes to me in the moment.

 

What does it mean to you?? Please share xxx

The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The MOON, my my friend the moon. This tarot card keeps popping up or should I say down, off my tarot card wall holder again and again and again then yesterday twice at once! I think it’s come up about 5-8 times for me in my readings, or as I pass through my room and random cards lift off with the breeze and fall to the floor.  It’s always been the moon.  Dear moon, I’m listening now.

Don’t panic.  Face your fears.  Recognise the limits of your perception. Accept being in the dark, for now.  Reach out for guidance and clarity.

For 4-5 days I would wake up with a fog in my head.  A heavy dark feeling that meant, my usual brain chatter felt almost silent.  But not silent in the calm meditative way, but in a sluggish, numb and heavy way.  Driving, it felt like the rain was hitting my face not the windscreen.  The tears rolling down my face as I drove towards the sunset, as it faded behind the horizon in the evening.    

It felt like I wasn’t thinking I was just hurting, I couldn’t pin-point a thought or a single feeling that I could accuse of bringing my normally sunny personality down. I resonate with the Sun- 19 most often.  A feeling of radiance, joy, child-like innocence and gratitude for the tiny gifts around me.  The eternal optimist.  Then in these shadow times I don’t know what to do with myself, the feeling is foreign, uncomfortable and goes against everything I feel wired for.

The Moon journal story through tarot1

The Moon: My story through tarot

A feeling of numbness and hurt.
A feeling of disconnection from my body.
A complete shut-down of my physical self, touch the sexual and emotional
A feeling of tiredness, not giving up but of overwhelm consuming all of me.

Tension everywhere.  Sadness but no root cause for sadness. I wonder out loud to myself, if this is my period announcing its impending arrival. Then check my period app, and see “Still 8 days to go”.  This isn’t my normal gentle hormonal flux which shares an emotional gift of a few tears and vulnerability with me every month.

When I focus on thing the darkness lifts. If I focus on my blessings I’m happy and grateful, if I focus on being a radical, strong queer femme witch the fire that that connects to inside me burns passionately.  But I have to work so hard it seems right now to maintain this, it fades and I return to a tired, numb feeling. Like I haven’t slept for days. Like my eyelids are heavy.  

When the moon shines light in, recognise this isn’t an easy time for clear answers, certain direction or logical planning. Instead you’re being asked to journey through some of the darker shadows of your soul. Have conversation with those shadow parts, that you have been taught to banish because they are not good enough.  Remind yourself these parts are as deserving of love and gentleness as those parts of yourself you are comfortable with showing in full light.

Thinking about the chats, catch ups with my friends and general busyness I’ve engaged in lately. I’m commended for being so together, looking at the world in a beautiful positive light.  I’ve in these moments focused on sharing things positively. I know I can articulate it beautifully, I know how to look at things in a kind, gentle beautiful and healing light.  Getting my physical body and subconscious on the same page seems to be the lesson that this moon is here to teach me. I know I can – after deciding I just couldn’t this morning, I somehow mustered the energy actually pushing myself to get up, and at least look like I’m existing in this world the way I’m expected to.

It feels like I’d run out of happy, like I’d run out of joy.  I’ve meditation twice a week now with beautiful groups of people. The combined energy of self care, growth through calming the mind I absorb.  The healing empath in me feeds off of it, giving out mine and feeling grateful, vulnerable in the space to heal and soak up the love all around me. A quiet moment I can disconnect with my head, leave the darkness behind, focus on the flickering candle light, the sound of deep OM. Calming my mind, slowing down my crazy internal chatter – the “thoughts” that come and go, not buying into each rabbit hole that presents itself. To focus on my spiritual journey, learning about myself and ways to manage this roller coaster. Focusing on really trying to be kind to myself, letting go feelings of judgement or negativity or any kind of feeling that my darkness is a bad thing.  

More than anything loving, acknowledging and letting go all my negative, harmful feelings attached to the past.  The past is the past, there is no point in re-living it, torturing myself, but instead letting it be, loving the beautiful past, the exciting memories, that amount I’ve grown, the love I’ve shared and experience and enjoyed so fully and completely. I can’t bring the past with me, I can’t make it come back, I can’t live in that moment over again.  I can’t hold so desperately to the future fearing that I won’t turn out the way I desire.  I can’t live feeling that level of fear, hurt or desperation.  So I let go, I move on, and this time I really feel that shedding, and releasing.  Not completely, as this will take practice and my subconscious will need much reminding, but it feels like I have a point of reference, I know it is good for me, and the weight of fog, darkness and heaviness has been experienced, listened-to and respected for the gift, the lesson I needed to learn.

We’re often in shock, after a traumatic rejection, and so may not be conscious of the full extent of the hurt. And the tendency towards denial is strong.  I find, in fact, that many rejections are like icebergs: small on the surface, but much larger underneath.  I would therefore err on the side of caution and assume I’m hurting worse – and need more healing – than I may realise.  If you need to a big cry, a period of darkness, a sulk: take it, you’re not hurting anyone. – Not Just Lucky by Jamila Rizvi

In my head I know that pain is growth, it is the doorway to change, new direction and new life.  Without a forest fire how does the bush regenerate? Without devastation, how is the heart ready for new, change and growth?!  Going through this process is overwhelming and having regular times where I sit to stop and calm my mind has been the most healing thing I’ve done for my own self care.  During this session, focusing but not really focusing this one thing hit me.  Now I know it on a practical level, and if asked about my journey I’d have said it without thinking about the depth of it.  Those moments where something you know becomes something you can feel, that connects deeply with the experiences you’re having at that moment is magickal. I don’t think I’ve had one that has smacked me in the face quite so much as this.

From the gorgeous kind druid energy in my life, I’ve gotten to know the Rune that aligns with the Moon Tarot card- Algiz.  This extra dynamic has highlighted the parallel journey I’m experiencing in reclaiming and re-valuing my own gifts of sunshine, and warmth.  Acknowledging people enjoy my company because they leave feeling lifted and energised and the effect / toll/ emotional cost that has on me in sharing it. That I enjoy this giving, and sharing but I need to be more mindful of it’s value, and the effort it takes for me to recharge my own energy in myself after.

Algiz speaks of the more mature aspects of temperance and wisdom. Algiz may be attempting to get you to understand that there are others who are using your energies because you are allowing it to happen. Many followers of the Runes wear Algiz as a protection from the negative forces of the outer world.

algiz-rune

Algiz Rune

Algiz carries a warning – if you find yourself experiencing a period of difficulty which is painful, be honest and stick with the experience. As you work through the issue, look around and evaluate what your part in creating the discomfort truly is. Are you shooting yourself in the foot without realising it? Watch for new interests, but use your good judgment when pursuing them. Allow yourself to experience the lesson Algiz offers – your future beckons! More info here

I love the Moon, I can feel it’s energy and pull at full and new moons. Being a sun child, a summer baby, a Sunshine Goddess, I’m appreciating the moon in a whole new way as the cyclical shadow side, the growth, the letting go of the past.  Embracing the new change, stopping to get in touch with the deep feelings, the hurt, and things I am most afraid of.  Pushing to experience my deepest growth and change through facing my fears and confusion. Slowing down, metering my “busyness” with time to stop and feel. Paying attention to my intuition, when it tells me to slow down, listen to the seasons and the flux of the changing cycles.

xxxx
Flossy

How do I create connection?

How do I create connection?

How do I create connection? What is connection?

Connection, in some ways can be described as our strongest desire. We long to return to the place that no longer feels separate; do you see this? What I crave is the opportunity to fully rest in the present moment while knowing in our heart that all is incredibly well.

What I connect with, ultimately is not something ‘out there,’ what I connect with, is a presence within myself being that is open and available to receive fully the present moment. Oh my goodness, even as I write this I recognised a deep joy for the simplicity of this recognition. What I crave, is not a future outcome, a changed partner, or the absence or change of physical circumstance; what I crave, is the truth loving and being present with myself, empty of all judgement – connected.

The challenge I find, is simply a confusion of what connection is.  There is nothing bad or wrong about this confusion. On the contrary, the confusion is a profound opportunity. You see, the more I judge myself, the greater the difficulty I have in healing or working with it.

If I see myself separate from feeling connection, and blame it as the cause of my inability to be what I really am, then by default I give my power to something that is outside of what I am. My confusion and frustration is quite beautiful, quite perfect, because it forces me to move towards self discovery. For without it, where would be the opportunity to unwrap the magick that exists beyond. How?  It’s already happening. Do you see? Even as I write this, something inside me is opening to a new ideas. It’s this opening within that allows for change and transformation.

Not beat myself up is hard, thinking that I should be further along than where I am. As if, my present experience of confusion or disconnection with myself is somehow wrong. See that I am exactly where I am suppose to be in order to be able to go deeper and learn more about connecting with myself.

“I’m not where I should be. Therefore connection isn’t possible until I get – over there.” When I say this to myself, something within me is simply terrified to embrace that: what I am or where I am, is actually perfectly placed. Because if acknowledging that to be true, it forces me to look deeply at myself and see all the ways I judge and condemn myself.

Subconsciously this is what I have been running from, this is what I attempt to avoid through chasing the future. I don’t want to acknowledge the reality of self imposed judgments, or I don’t want to look at all the things I don’t like about myself. Why? Lol. Because I don’t like them, I am convinced that these things are in the way, so I want to turn away and just march forward with the hope I can change them, mask them, and destroy them forever.

The connection we crave, exists not in the future, but in right now. All those things I don’t like about myself aren’t really here. Through running away from them, I have create them. If I run from something, then by default I proclaim that it’s really there. By withhold love from myself, through chasing a more lovable version of myself, in the future.

The path towards the healing, is a deep honour and commitment toward the healing of myself. Really allowing myself to stop, rest and be in the moment to heal, and to see this more clearly.  I feel moved, inspired, or deeply sincere about a path of healing, or a path of simply being honest within my being, and then the mind steps in.  That horrible critic letting fear get in my way, trying to protect everything it thinks I it want in the future. Essentially saying, “NO, you can’t be yourself right now, you don’t deserve it yet, you have so much more you have to accomplish before you can follow the sincerity of your desire.”

If I am going to allow myself to heal, or if I am going to authentically connect and enjoy myself, at some point I will have to recognise that the connection I so deeply crave, is not with a changed future or a changed self, it comes from connecting with the sincerity of ME, right now.

Ask yourself, if you feel like something within you is trying to be expressed or wants to simply breathe with more ease…. “Is there any present desire, direction, or authentic feeling that I’m denying, because I want to protect a future version of myself that I see as more connected, loved, or worthy?”

In love and healing in this cancer new moon,

xxx
Florence

This post was inspired by https://tigmonk.com

Universe Magick: When things fall apart

Universe Magick: When things fall apart

I’ve not written as much as I’d have liked for this blog recently. However my pen (or in this case keyboard) has been chalking up a storm. I’ve been writing myself letters as if it were all I had to live for.  Truely writing has saved my sanity and helped me through May, an incredible month of challenges, where everything I thought subconsciously was fixed, has changed. Family, health, homophobia, relationships and my spiritual journey.

As challenging as it’s all been I think I’m starting to see the lessons the Universe is gently (hah) teaching me.

  • I are always alone, and moment shared is a gift for that moment in time
  • Most of my actions as humans are driven by fear
  • Stopping to examine myself really shows me what is driving my behaviour (meditation)
  • Letting go of hopes and attachments will help me to stop torturing myself with the things I am scared of/ fear
  • If the only thing that is constant is change then making peace with that discomfort is the only option
  • So many thing will change, my happiness comes from taking in the present moment and experiencing it with gratitude
  • Treat myself with loving kindness, checking my inner critic or the voice in my head when it spins into negativity

Having a family health scare when you aren’t specifically close to that person has really challenged my view of family, and my thoughts around permanence and impermanence. Watching my father in hospital, not knowing if he’d pull through, making every effort to connect with him and share love was hard.  Having a sick-bed conversation about my sexuality vs my parents religious views challenged me about being accepted, and my parents way of communicating love to me. We’ll never see eye to eye on that topic and I’m trying slowly to let go of the fear and anger it used to cause me.  Those feelings are completely in my control as I choose how to react to what is happening around me.

I’ve always struggled with loneliness.  Weather it came from being the oldest child in a homeschool family or being a lone trailblazer of my own path as a teenager. I don’t know, it’s probably a feeling all humans experience.  This is the first time I’m facing it without trying to run away, feeling the pain of it but being less scared of it.  I think we all have a “crutch” or a patch, distraction or escape from this feeling of loneliness.  For me it manifests as restlessness, sadness or a craving for love or attention.

  • I go for a walk in the bush
  • I try messaging everyone I know online
  • I post a huge bunch of posts on all my social media
  • or I seek out love or connection with someone I trust

All these are my crutches, my attempt to escape from loneliness.  I can’t escape, and I think suddenly realising (my journey and books I’m reading) has kicked me in the ass to be more patient with it.  Let go of trying not to feel like this and appreciating those lonely moments for what they are. We are all alone, but not alone at the same time.

  • I’m a strong, beautiful, stable person
  • I’ve been in a terribly lonely place before and come through it (it’s not gonna kill me)
  • Every change that has come into my life in the past I’ve come through in one piece smiling
  • The more I love myself the more at peace with my complexity, how I am
  • Being kind to myself makes this whole journey easier (I don’t need to make it harder)
  • New experiences, connections and life gifts/ blessings are right around the corner if I am open to see and accept them

I hate being scared!  I’ve just been to Tasmania for the Dark Mofo festival where I participated in a even giving voice to my deepest fears and feeding them to this year’s Dark Mofo Ogoh-Ogoh, a demon-like sculpture common to Balinese Hinduism.  They will then cremate the fear-laden ogoh-ogoh in ceremonial smoke, fire and noise. Check out a video of it from 2016 here.  It was such a timely event for me to go to, it had been an incredibly hard week doing a trip alone that wasn’t planned that way.  Reading a book (video below) and realising how much of my own view of myself, my story and my fears have caused my unhappiness. Reframing it all from a blessed, and grateful view, letting go, and checking the things that make me scared and realising the underlying thoughts that drive them – has incredibly mind blowing.

As I was in front of the Ogoh-Ogoh trying to think of the things that I was afraid of and write them down, I was so confronted by my own internal dialogue.

I’m only scared of these things, because they’re the direct opposite of not having certain things or being in a certain space.

As soon as I let go of that hope or clinging to an ideal, I felt more relieved and less worried.  I can’t control anything external to me, but I can change how I react to those situations.  That is magick.. That is hard challenging magick.  That’s magick I want to master.

Developing a new relationship with fear and my hopes – This is what I am learning, it scares and excites me.  I’m so far outside of my comfort zone I can only celebrate how much I’m learning as I go through this new phase, page in my life, embracing the new, the change.