I am tired my brain is tired, my body is tired of emotionally processing. I’ve had a really busy few weeks, with my best friend coming to visit from Melbourne, doing a million activities then feeling the sadness of her leaving. That remembrance that you left your best friend behind to move half way around the world and how much that felt like a break up. It feels easier to see her then have her leave. In Paris it was really hard and awkward, with my financial tension I experienced and jet lag, and dancing emotions. It was really tough. Now I’m more settled in Canada. I feel at home here but unsettled because I haven’t yet organised my PR visa, and procrastinating on it is giving me anxiety. I have my test soon and I finally emailed a immigration consultant to help me. This feels good, but I’m nervous. I’m nervous and unsettled about all the changes going on in my life. I have my house back, my van is healthier, and getting taken care of slowly.. that feels really good. I have plans for the next bit of building I want to do on the vehicle. I feel like I have the money available to me to be able to do it all. I’m getting support from new mechanics and slowly stepping away from the toxic relationship with Jack the backyard mechanic.. I need space and to leave behind the stress, and the anxiety that was sitting with me when my van was off the road for 5 weeks sitting in pieces in his driveway. It terrified me that something would go wrong that I’d have done all this for nothing. The further I continue the easier it gets and the smaller bites the project becomes. I need to remind myself of this, continue to be grateful that I’ve had access to affordable help, to people who know what they’re doing, that I’ve spend the last year getting it in order and now it is truely liveable and much more sound in the engine. I’ve more to do, but slowly, slowly it is all worth it.
Emotionally I’ve been learning and processing so darn much. I’ve been learning a million things about emotional and relationship narcissism and codependency, I feel like I’ve been working through my own shame and guilt round my past behaviours in relationships. I feel like I’ve really been the narcissist taking advantage of a person and I feel like I’ve also been the co-dependent always trying to please, always walking on egg shells. At the time unaware of how driven by emotional experiences or emotional repression that I experienced as a kid. The feelings of abandonment or that I wasn’t worthy enough for love, quality time or being taken seriously / listened to have haunted me so much since then. I have worked through remembering what those unhappy or weirdly alone moments of my childhood felt like or what happened and why, then how I dealt with it. The thing that is so beautiful out of it all, is that it became more and more obvious why I really like the forest, why being in trees feels safe and calming. How when I was sad, feeling abandoned or sad I would always go outside into the tree or tree houses we’d built and felt protected there. I thing this is why my affinity and belief that tree and fairies exist because of the calm creatures and the knowledge of a supernatural presence around me who I could talk to and be listened to. Now as an adult I love the bush the small noises, the animals and the feeling of rejuvenation and healing that comes from it.
I’ve just written two paragraphs about everything except about how I feel about dating or falling in love again. I want to fall in love, I want intimacy and love and connection, yet half of my brain had settled into a happy equilibrium of being alone, knowing I could go where ever I wanted, and do what ever I wanted at any time. The feeling of knowing that my emotional state of mind is steady and pretty even, not spiked or worried by anything. Now I feel out of control. That is what it is, I feel out of control of my feelings. I don’t know what is happening right now, except that it is exciting, overwhelming and really really sweet. Working through believing this is real, working through believing that I do actually deserve love and the attentions of someone who wants to be with me. It feels like it is all moving really fast and my scared, fearful self wants to put the breaks on because I am not in control. Realistically being in control is the problem, the world is always changing around me. I worked through this with the uncertainty of my van repairs. I was out of control of how incredibly slowly things were happening so I threw myself headfirst into everything else. Letting go that feeling of panic, worry and needing to know when it would be finished. It didn’t always work and I didn’t always have a good night’s sleep but it helped.
So how do I do that with my heart. I’ve met a lovely woman who is gentle, caring and longing for intimacy and a relationship space that is a safe space to share emotions and be seen. As I write that – this description sounds like me and I feel sad, and overwhelmed. I don’t know why. Why am I afraid, why am I sad. I know my body is tired, it’s almost my moon cycle, and it a way letting go and seeing what this connection might lead to is sort of a good bye to the previous chapter of my life. I’m leaving behind what I’ve mourned, taking what I’ve learned and edging into a new experience. I can’t be melancholic over my past any more, I have already started practicing this, by reframing every horrible experience as a way to be grateful for things I’ve learned or thankful for having experienced the intensity of a past emotion. Leaving my fear behind would mean letting go and allowing myself to be loved. My fear of abandonment is very strong. Being rejected, discarded or not important enough to be noticed. My subconscious finds ways of seeing this pattern again and again in my life repeating that feeling I had as a kid. Now I want to reframe that abandonment feeling so my subconscious will stop trying to sabotage me. I want to move forward and I cannot do that if I’m aways running away from things that scare me or not being “in the arena” taking a risk. I have skin in the game now. This is what it feels like to be scared and tired, coming off what feels like the biggest vulnerability hangover ever. I feel like I’m recovering from not having my house, all of that uncertainty and simultaneously feeling terrified at the emotional magic carpet ride of learning to unlock my heart.
So now that I’ve taken time to write down my fear voice, to hear it, to see where that pain and anxiety is coming from, I want to try to give my gratitude and excitement a voice and space to share so I don’t get lost in melancholic feelings. I am excited that I am now mobile, my adventures this weekend and waiting for the relaxation and excitement that will come from that. I am excited to be making progress this month with my residency application to Canada. I started dating again! I deleted an app that wasn’t working for me, cleaned up my emotional responsibilities to myself and put my “house in order”. I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to learn more about myself and my past so that I’m showing up now feeling more aware and more responsible for how I act and how my life, my words and the way I love effects others. I’m glad I learned so much from all my past relationships, especially the last one. The amazingly good times, and the shittiest of shit. I am grateful. I am grateful that I have stood up for myself keeping my life simple, not messaging a million people, not dating lots of people. Keeping my heart focused on things that are simple, not complicated and don’t require any splitting, detachment or disassociation. I am happy, and excited about the dates I have gone on with this person, and how I feel round her. I am grateful that I know how my behaviours need checking so that I don’t jump to conclusions or assumptions before I’m even in a situation. I’m grateful that I have the amazing support of my friends who have talked me through the things I’ve worried about going into this, their encouragement to stay open, to stay willing to experience what ever it is that might happen. Grateful that I have the opportunity to love, to open my heart, to learn vulnerability again instead of just talking about it or working through it myself. Some how, the first person to reply to my messages on the first day I joined a new online dating thing who was also new to it. Somehow she comes over to go on a date with me, and turns out to be an incredible person. She know what she wants, she knows the kind of relationship she craves. She craves intimacy and communication, the same as I do, the touch that says a thousand word from a person who just simply cares about you.
I pinch myself, how is this possible, how did this happen so fast and is it really true.
This is really my critic speaking. I’ve spent the last 2 years learning and preparing for this moment, I’ve been wishing, talking about and manifesting this energy in my life. So many false starts testing my commitment to what I’ve really asked for. This is what I wanted and how disrespectful am I, if the moment it is presented to me, I shun it saying, “oh but I’m not ready yet”. Maybe I am not but if one was always waiting to be ready that day would never come. Being not ready means being in it, being open to failure being open to hurt or vulnerability – which by the same token is love. So here I am not ready and doing it anyway.
The fear of abandonment I feel is behind my uncomfortableness with polyamory. I respect it and deeply value the poly relationships that I’ve had that have taught me so much about myself. I want my person, I want that uniqueness of feeling wanted and needed by them. I know this is part of my childhood patterning trying to replace the feeling and soon the need that was not fulfilled as a kid. The books I have read talk about forgiveness and I like this thought thinking of it in a way that works through that trauma. Forgiving myself for hiding, and repressing my emotions, forgiveness of my parents who did what they could to support me, that did love me, and were also working through their own childhood patterning. The may not have been there when I needed their support but I was able to survive on my own. I am now able to speak for when I have needs and have them met. My parents did support me financially to do the things I loved. They had three kids so attending all of the events was hard, and just because they chose my brother and sister doesn’t mean they didn’t love me any less. Forgiving myself for being scared, forgiving myself for thinking I’m not worth it, for devaluing myself, for being my own worst enemy. Now I am more aware I know that part of me that is the protector and I know the part of me that is the adventurer, and I will listen to both. I want to allow this to happen, for love to come into my life, so here I am – nervous and scared but in the game.
I am going on a third date, and it will be really wonderful.
I am excited about it.
I am excited about getting to know this beautiful human.
I am excited about meeting someone who wants to love me.
I am excited about learning to love, respect and have this person in my life.
I am excited about loving myself and being kind to myself as my inner child processes this new chapter in my life.
Today is not a good day.
I’ve had almost a month of good days save a few at the end of December as I adjusted to not working. Today I feel alone today I feel like I’m going to be alone for ever and that that feels like a terrible thing. Now I know in my head that even if I were to be, it is neither good nor bad. I can create happiness in myself and I’ve proven that to myself so being alone is neither here nor there. But today it feels like a huge weight, a feeling of dread. A feeling that I have so much love to give, such a strong desire for love and personal connection that it feels bottled up like a huge sadness.
I feel like my emotions and my head are at odds.
I still feel the greif in my heart from my last relationship. It’s now almost been as long that I was in a relationship that I’m now out of one. That baffles me. It feels like all I wish for is to love. Letting go of attachment especially to things not good for me. Maybe I need to find a way to redirect, redefine or love in a way that doesn’t require me to have one person love me back. Polyamory has been in and out of my life over the years. I care deeply for the humans I have had in my life but I have not been “in love” outside of monogamy. I’m happy for that to change – for patterns to break but my little heart is scared and sceptical. Love feels like an emotion that is bigger than my body or my mind being made up of the combination.
Being tired brings out that tiny percentage in me that wants fingers to touch my skin in a way that makes my heart race. It craves the feeling of my skin tingling and all my hairs standing on end at the sound if a beloved’s voice whispering beautiful sounds into my ear. It feels like being cold in the middle of winter, hearing the rain or the wind whistling around the walls and windows and snuggling deeper into each other’s arms. Tenderness, vulnerability and a desire to see and be seen.
Right now I’m staying some place where I don’t feel comfortable being openly out, and talking about it at all. When I decide to go somewhere or do something I have the blissful freedom of just running off and doing it. A freedom I’ve also wanted when I’ve felt trapped. I don’t fully know if I am inherently simply craving the thing which I do not currently have. I catch myself here – thinking back to earlier today when I pulled myself up out of my self indulgent melancholia to be present, to love, participate and enjoy all the beauty and wonders immediately around me.
In the Rocky Mountains somehow that felt a little easier than it does now lying in the dark on a couch im some strangers house. The majestic mountains as the glisten in the sun almost touching the blueness of the sky. Standing at the bus stop waiting for a few minutes to tick by I feel small and unimportant next their grandeur. A feeling which makes all other feelings cease to matter.
I know I have experienced deep love that felt full and gave me so much joy. Maybe I have this sadness that is as deep as I loved. I’m glad I know it exists, I’m glad I have had the opportunity to experience it. I am glad I am giving myself the space to heal, to run with and mend my heart. I did not want to even think about loving again a year ago, so feeling like I have this desire and capacity again is a blessing, even if it feels melancholic or painful at times. I have the heart of watery emotions and this too is the gift of feeling deeply. It makes me strong it makes me powerful and I am able to share these feelings, to be able to articulate them with words so you also can understand how I feel and maybe sense the effects, pain, pleasure or joy that they bring.
Today is also a good day. It was a beautiful cold, but crisp sunny day and I was alive. I felt alive, I could see my breath, hang like a coud in front of my face. It misted up my glasses as the air temperature changed.
Today I am writing again. I have stories to tell. I am pouring my thoughts and feelings out into this journal so they are no longer a burden, no longer a heaviness I have to carry around. I feel light again and my mind has slowed down, the sleepless manic has subsided.
I know I will always have myself to love.
It’s been a few months since I put pen to paper or fingers to a key board and opened my creative writing tap. How tightly bound to my creativity is my self worth and productivity driven satisfaction – (acknowledgement is the first step to changing patterns!)
I’ve felt myself hermiting. Healing and processing. The realisation that it is the end of December, I’ve finished work for the year, and I have the next two months to myself. It feels like a vacuum has been broken and a whole lot of fresh air is starting to flood back into me. What an emotional relief.
I’ve grown tired – feeling like a broken record talking about my Van renovations and engine work. In hindsight I took on an incredible project building my house in wheels, starting with a rusty, leaking house, stripping it beyond it’s bare bones and bringing it back to life with a Flossy vibe and design. I’ve learned how not to lay floorboards, I’ve learned about insulation and framing out furniture. I’ve learned that I can pour every cent into a project, live off the smell of an oily rag and still be as happy as a free range pig in shit.
I’ve also learned that doing that has cost me other experiences – like not seeing my favourite Aunty when she was this side of the world. *sigh* It stung a little bit, because it reminded me of the time I missed out on what would have been the last time I missed seeing my grandmother before she passed. They say hard times teaches me really where I want my priorities to be. What you say you value vs where you spend your time and energy. It caught up with me and it’s been really good to stop and reevaluate. My two months off work could have easily crept up on me and all my plans fallen through. Missing out on something that I really wanted to do, has made me get my shit together this time. Now I am in sunny (but cold) Philadelphia!
I know I set high expectations of myself and what I could accomplish. But while building a van, working full time and doing lots of traveling – I feel like I let few people down. I’ve been working through the guilty feelings – a stupid guilty circular spiral. Knowing you have the ability to complete a task vs having the emotional and physical space to do it are two different things. Learning (to say no) – by failing – that I fall of the radar when I’m not coping. Learning to re-write that pattern, ask for help, plan better, ask for time leniency or smaller projects & forgiveness. It’s been a humbling experience.
I made myself a promise to live an honest life. I feel like I’m realising that that needs to extended to being honest to myself about my capacity. Not over extending or over committing myself. I feel like I’ve labeled myself an over achiever in regards to my work speed / ethic. Now I am resetting that internal standard to what I am realistically able to handle at one time.
I wanted to be releasing videos, more of my queer tarot cards and being closer to a full tarot deck by now. I set deadlines for myself an promptly panicked. It killed my creativity. I started this project in April 2017. It’s now December 2018, almost 2019. I’m still at it. Still shooting cards, haven’t begun editing videos.
Being honest with oneself includes not only acknowledging failures but celebrating achievements and milestones too.
My first winter in 12 months makes taking time to rest, stop reading facebook or Instagram, feel like I’m doing very little – seem so so real and visceral. Slowing down with the seasons, eating seasonal food, sleeping with the hours of daylight, being more introspective.
I want my blog to run like more of an informative magazine, I wanted my tarot project to keep going like a business – but it can’t and I can’t. Listening to my body, feeling into what feels good, what makes me happy instead. My joy, my bliss.
I celebrate that my feet have touched SEVEN countries in the last 12 months.
– New Zealand
I asked for adventure
I moved countries
I moved into a vehicle
I asked for time off work
I asked for a job to come back to and got a full time contract for next year.
I asked for freedom
I asked to make real friends
I asked to get to know myself better
I asked to learn how to be in my body
I asked to deepen my spiritual practice
I asked for community
I got to go to BC witch camp and it blew my mind, and I feel so darn loved by the wonderful creatures in my life right now
66 Total cards
73 people photographed
My inner self confidence is growing. I am doubting myself less. Truely enjoying being alone. Finding my voice, with less fear. I hope I inspire you to do the same.
When I decided to move to canada I met someone who was from Canada and who’d offered to sell me their vehicle. Sweet I thought, I’ll have wheels and will be able to travel and sightsee as soon as I get here. Fast forward a month in and it still hadn’t happened. I started looking around not knowing what I was really looking for, to buy a van.
I knew I wanted to be mobile, able to live in it while traveling, maybe longer. Suddenly my antsy frustration trapped feelings of not working for myself and being tied to one spot slowly started to melt away. I the idea I could live and travel anywhere around the city and driving distance on the weekends excited me so much. There was so much land, sights, nature and beauty right at my fingertips – mountains, lakes, seas and islands. It spelled freedom, and in a mysterious way my body energy started to slowly shift.
I ended up buying a cheaper van that needed a lot of love after the expensive one I wanted fell through because I couldn’t get away to look at it in time. The first two weeks I owned her were a tortuous mental turmoil thinking I’d made a terrible decision and bought a dud. I really didn’t know anything about my new van and I didn’t trust my gut that led me to her or even if I’d be able to make it work.
I love naming my vehicles.. I’ve had two green Turtle vehicles at different energetic ages. So I was expecting to find the name of my new van too. I think it took almost a month, maybe a few weeks till it happened. I believe in messages from the universe but this was the first time I’d felt anything at all close to an “out of my control” message. To me trust is a very important thing and I think vehicles have their own personalities in a way. The universe brought her into my life, but her name wasn’t entrusted to me till I trusted her and trusted my decision to have her in my life.
I was just simply texting a friend telling them about my purchase and all the work I’d begun to do to her and how much more I was going to have and I think I simply made the observation that “it was a complete mystery why this van had come into my life and if I had done the right thing and how much more work I’d have to do”. Then my fingers simply typed afterwards:
“Mystery the magick van”
I kind of felt stopped in my tracks, wait what!? Then I quickly followed up the text message with an exclamation – “I think that’s her name!”
“I just found out what her name was in that moment of texting you”
I was buzzing and I’m a state of surprise and somehow just realised and reinforce in my whole body that sometimes life is a mystery.
Sometimes I cannot understand why things happen or what direction all of these culminating things will take me. Trying to plan, control and minutely understand will not make me happy and will not help any kind of situation get better. Mystery was here to teach me this in a giant way.
Not only teach my to trust myself, to let go of control of the future but also to let mysteries be mysteries and enjoy the nuances of all the wonderful things that somehow I’m really having the time of my life learning now.
Skip forward another month and Mystery is in the shop having her carburetor replaced because hills stopped being possible to climb. I’ve just gotten off a bus and am I’m heading to work on the seabus ferry across Vancouver harbour listening to my favourite podcast. Half way through the woman being interviewed starts talking about the mysteries of life. Cue tears, my heart felt jerked, tugged on an completely vulnerable. The heart is so big and it breaks open and open and open. The blasted open energy of the heart is capable of enormous healing. I am here letting life break open my heart, letting this moment change me. Learning to stay with the feeling of knowing that my intuition never lies.
I don’t know what’s next I don’t know how life will pan out – I have to be in the Mystery. We’re so strange as humans we can watch mystery moving but when don’t know how it ends or don’t know the answers in our own lives we go crazy. It’s like living the High Priestess card – allow the Mystery. Allowing myself to be a mystery, allowing my life to be a mystery. I feel it is very brave and vulnerable to live like this – but it’s also a great adventure, which what I want my life to be.
There is no one else to save me, there is no one else to do my own emotional work for me, so I must rise up and save myself, dive into the mystery and follow my hearts. Stop listening to other people and doing what brings me joy. The grail or river of what I love and what makes me whole. I know I have SO much to give when I am in my joy. So much more love, healing, change and energy to share. It is not selfish to pursue what brings me joy.
What brings you joy?
What mystery are you sitting with right now?
All conditioned phenomena is impermanent.
All polluted phenomena are unsatisfactory.
All phenomena are empty and selfless.
Nirvana is true peace.
Learning to be afraid and not run away hide or try to repress it. Even the idea of sitting in a feeling letting it be letting it hurt. Checking my thoughts that are only focused outwards on what someone else did. Checking my own behavior, my attachment to ideals ideas dreams or ways of imagining or desiring a state of being, a status and feeling. when something isnt about the person its about wht they stand for to me or how I view myself when I am with someone or in a certain situation. That is what I meed to question. Dwelling on a relationship or certain status as permanent or desiring it to be permanent when nothing ever is. When state of flux is always the way when change is the only thing that is constant. Holding on to a thing for comfort or a perceived sense of stability or groundedness or love when all that I need is within me waiting to be discovered or more than discovered.. Just trusting the ourselves to get through it observing our thoughts our behavior as we do so. Brought out and purified of all the shit clustering around it. The distraction the mental chatter in our brains that never shuts up a always brings us down. That state of conscious kindness to ourselves. Compassion to ourselves and aware need of how our actions effect others. This is also something I am really starting even begin to comprehend. How giving our selves the space to be in the present moment feel every emotion and fear observe it but not dwell or by into it as an overwhelming truth. Because each emotion and fear too will pass a change. In times of trail and when things fall apart all is left is the immutable steadfastness or or being. We are still here. Our hearts still beat. We are now vulnerable and open stripped of the comforts or ideals and attachments we clung to. We need to rediscover the happiness that comes from inside ourselves. Observing the purity of being when we face the world with love that has no conditions, peace and compassion for others to make this world a better place by our being in it.