When I decided to move to canada I met someone who was from Canada and who’d offered to sell me their vehicle. Sweet I thought, I’ll have wheels and will be able to travel and sightsee as soon as I get here. Fast forward a month in and it still hadn’t happened. I started looking around not knowing what I was really looking for, to buy a van.
I knew I wanted to be mobile, able to live in it while traveling, maybe longer. Suddenly my antsy frustration trapped feelings of not working for myself and being tied to one spot slowly started to melt away. I the idea I could live and travel anywhere around the city and driving distance on the weekends excited me so much. There was so much land, sights, nature and beauty right at my fingertips – mountains, lakes, seas and islands. It spelled freedom, and in a mysterious way my body energy started to slowly shift.
I ended up buying a cheaper van that needed a lot of love after the expensive one I wanted fell through because I couldn’t get away to look at it in time. The first two weeks I owned her were a tortuous mental turmoil thinking I’d made a terrible decision and bought a dud. I really didn’t know anything about my new van and I didn’t trust my gut that led me to her or even if I’d be able to make it work.
I love naming my vehicles.. I’ve had two green Turtle vehicles at different energetic ages. So I was expecting to find the name of my new van too. I think it took almost a month, maybe a few weeks till it happened. I believe in messages from the universe but this was the first time I’d felt anything at all close to an “out of my control” message. To me trust is a very important thing and I think vehicles have their own personalities in a way. The universe brought her into my life, but her name wasn’t entrusted to me till I trusted her and trusted my decision to have her in my life.
I was just simply texting a friend telling them about my purchase and all the work I’d begun to do to her and how much more I was going to have and I think I simply made the observation that “it was a complete mystery why this van had come into my life and if I had done the right thing and how much more work I’d have to do”. Then my fingers simply typed afterwards:
“Mystery the magick van”
I kind of felt stopped in my tracks, wait what!? Then I quickly followed up the text message with an exclamation – “I think that’s her name!”
“I just found out what her name was in that moment of texting you”
I was buzzing and I’m a state of surprise and somehow just realised and reinforce in my whole body that sometimes life is a mystery.
Sometimes I cannot understand why things happen or what direction all of these culminating things will take me. Trying to plan, control and minutely understand will not make me happy and will not help any kind of situation get better. Mystery was here to teach me this in a giant way.
Not only teach my to trust myself, to let go of control of the future but also to let mysteries be mysteries and enjoy the nuances of all the wonderful things that somehow I’m really having the time of my life learning now.
Skip forward another month and Mystery is in the shop having her carburetor replaced because hills stopped being possible to climb. I’ve just gotten off a bus and am I’m heading to work on the seabus ferry across Vancouver harbour listening to my favourite podcast. Half way through the woman being interviewed starts talking about the mysteries of life. Cue tears, my heart felt jerked, tugged on an completely vulnerable. The heart is so big and it breaks open and open and open. The blasted open energy of the heart is capable of enormous healing. I am here letting life break open my heart, letting this moment change me. Learning to stay with the feeling of knowing that my intuition never lies.
I don’t know what’s next I don’t know how life will pan out – I have to be in the Mystery. We’re so strange as humans we can watch mystery moving but when don’t know how it ends or don’t know the answers in our own lives we go crazy. It’s like living the High Priestess card – allow the Mystery. Allowing myself to be a mystery, allowing my life to be a mystery. I feel it is very brave and vulnerable to live like this – but it’s also a great adventure, which what I want my life to be.
There is no one else to save me, there is no one else to do my own emotional work for me, so I must rise up and save myself, dive into the mystery and follow my hearts. Stop listening to other people and doing what brings me joy. The grail or river of what I love and what makes me whole. I know I have SO much to give when I am in my joy. So much more love, healing, change and energy to share. It is not selfish to pursue what brings me joy.
What brings you joy?
What mystery are you sitting with right now?
All conditioned phenomena is impermanent.
All polluted phenomena are unsatisfactory.
All phenomena are empty and selfless.
Nirvana is true peace.
Learning to be afraid and not run away hide or try to repress it. Even the idea of sitting in a feeling letting it be letting it hurt. Checking my thoughts that are only focused outwards on what someone else did. Checking my own behavior, my attachment to ideals ideas dreams or ways of imagining or desiring a state of being, a status and feeling. when something isnt about the person its about wht they stand for to me or how I view myself when I am with someone or in a certain situation. That is what I meed to question. Dwelling on a relationship or certain status as permanent or desiring it to be permanent when nothing ever is. When state of flux is always the way when change is the only thing that is constant. Holding on to a thing for comfort or a perceived sense of stability or groundedness or love when all that I need is within me waiting to be discovered or more than discovered.. Just trusting the ourselves to get through it observing our thoughts our behavior as we do so. Brought out and purified of all the shit clustering around it. The distraction the mental chatter in our brains that never shuts up a always brings us down. That state of conscious kindness to ourselves. Compassion to ourselves and aware need of how our actions effect others. This is also something I am really starting even begin to comprehend. How giving our selves the space to be in the present moment feel every emotion and fear observe it but not dwell or by into it as an overwhelming truth. Because each emotion and fear too will pass a change. In times of trail and when things fall apart all is left is the immutable steadfastness or or being. We are still here. Our hearts still beat. We are now vulnerable and open stripped of the comforts or ideals and attachments we clung to. We need to rediscover the happiness that comes from inside ourselves. Observing the purity of being when we face the world with love that has no conditions, peace and compassion for others to make this world a better place by our being in it.
You are strong, grounded and steady. Spirituality is important to you.
Everything you start saying that you want in your next partner are things that you have in yourself. You possess these qualities. Don’t spend time dreaming about the future person you want in you life, dream about the perfect version of yourself you are working to become.
You are creative, and make things, you are healthy, you eat well. You are tidy and your house has order, character and beauty about it. You’re stable and reliable.
You don’t get lonely, you appreciate being alone, sit in that place of uncomfortableness and make peace with it. Feeling yourself and appreciating the beautiful life you have. The amazing friends you have.
Life is a wonderful adventure and journey. You manifested an adventure, turning down an opportunity and bringing another more unexpected upheaval with it.
What does a relationship mean to you?
I don’t know what it means to me now. I feel like I wanted a relationship for the solidarity of that being one thing I didn’t need to worry about. Someone to pour out all my love on, someone, my person to feel fulfillment of my need to connect and experience intimacy. Even writing this all now it seems very selfish and self centred, filled with lots of expectations on others.
What do you get out of it?
Joy, excitement of sharing life, sharing experiences and love. Feeling connected and intimate with someone. Seeing joy, happiness, and pleasure, even satisfaction on someone else’s face. Feeling like you’re able to share support, you’re not just here for yourself, that this whole life is just a little bit bigger than you. You have the ability to give joy and happiness, belonging and love to someone else.
How does it feel?
I always felt really content, happy and grounded. Knowing I belonged, I was special to someone. Feeling part of something beautiful. Feeling connected and in love. I felt like I could take on anything because I had my love. I could be brave, courageous, because I had a safe place to share my worries, cares and feel heard. Feeling protected, and the knowledge that someone out there really cares about you. That you matter to someone.
Why is it so important?
I feel like it’s just wired into me. It’s like I couldn’t stop being gay just as much as I couldn’t stop wanting to be in a relationship. I feel like everything has meaning and stability, even though I know I have all of that inside of myself. It’s so challenging to try and switch off that desire. Impossible like the struggle I had with trying to tone down my love or turn it off when she wasn’t emotionally available to me. Like I was born to love someone, and be loved by someone. To know that it is hard work, and know I am committed, able to love COMPLETELY, with all of my being, not thinking for a second that it was impossible or that we wouldn’t be able to make it through anything together.
How do co dependency and independence work in a relationship dynamic?
I don’t know. I know they should and I want them to. But maybe I’m just using the wrong words. Two people in each others lives, in a relationship will always have some level of co-dependence. And unless they’ve learned young not to trust, that humans are untrustworthy or that it hurts and people can’t be consistent then we’re wired that way. I feel so sad that people have horrible childhood experiences or as they grow up have had that love and trust in people that are closest to them beaten out of them. I know it scares the shit out of me, and I’ve taken such a long time to truly open myself up to loving, trusting and being completely open to someone but I believe it’s the only way a relationship could work.
After saying all of that, I think two people need to also keep their self identity their own interests their own independence in a relationship. Their sense of self, defining themselves by their own not as a pair. Being able to make decisions about what they want and what they do for themselves. Taking into account their partner but not being ruled or controlled. This is a fine balance, and I know one I still need to work on more and one that differs for each person and their own boundaries and what they need.
All the list of things you want in a partner are the things you should be celebrating and working towards in yourself. As you do this you become a more whole person. It’s okay to mourn the loss of a the feelings a relationship gives you. Don’t dwell on the negative for ever. You’re a happy person, feeling sad is okay, sitting in the discomfort of losing something, the breaking of attachment is ok. It’s healthy but staying there too long or at the detriment of love, laughter, happiness and feeling content with the beautiful life I have is not.
Feeling like all those beautiful things that I desired so much have been roughly and cruelly ripped away from me is so hard. Maybe it happened so I could re-evaluate how much I was attached to those feelings and that state of being than actually appreciating her as a person and her complexity. I need to and I know I struggled with idolising the relationship for being as I thought perfect and beautiful.. I know that it had so much I struggled with, and I overlooked and just let it be.. I should have said more that I struggled, acknowledged it wasn’t perfect but that it was okay to not be perfect and that we both were able to and did work on it to make it what it was.
I shall take that away as something I can learn. Nothing is perfect, everything can be worked on and improved, and attachment to a certain way of being, loving, living or a relationship only leads to heartbreak and disappointment when it doesn’t all stay “perfect” or goes through flux or change. I can celebrate the things it taught me
You have the capacity to commit and be completely vulnerable and “IN” something.
You’re a beautiful person and an amazing lover and partner
You have the right mindset to make a relationship work even if it’s hard work and challenging
You are so forgiving regardless of how hurt you get, you open up to love more
Your heart will grow back, you can trust completely
Being in a relationship and not looking for something else, or better or the grass greener somewhere else is the most amazing feeling
Feeling fully trusted and trusting fully is a beautiful feeling and you’ve never really experienced that before
Feeling safe, cared for and loved is possible, and will only change not go away as you become friends
You have an amazing capacity to communicate and patience to work with and love someone
You have so much love to give, and intense passion and commitment, that you should NEVER be ashamed of
You will not end up alone
Somewhere someone wants to grow old with someone like you
You are both learning all the life lessons you need to experience to grow a deeper and more beautiful relationship and love to create and give more to others together
Head up girl. A broken heart grows back. You have more life to live, more love to give and this is just the amazing beginning to a new chapter in life. Chin up, learn, grow, celebrate and move on.
It’s okay to hurt
It’s okay to feel like you have a little gremlin sitting on your chest.
It’s okay to have no appetite
It’s okay to feel nervous or apprehensions
Remember it’s not your fault or about you
You don’t need to make yourself small any more
You don’t need to censor yourself
You don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing
You don’t need to worry whether she’ll be herself and connect with you
You don’t need to turn the tap of affection on or off any more
You love yourself and your friends
There’s so many ways to find an outlet for that love for people who want and need it and doesn’t need to be romantic
You won’t die alone
You’re adorable and someone is getting their shit sorted to be ready to date you somewhere out there
You’re growing and maturing
This experience is only making you stronger and teaching you more about what’s really important for yourself
You have happiness inside you
Dancing and exercise makes you happy
Being completely yourself is the most fulfilling thing you can do
From that place of completely loving yourself wholly you can love someone else
The little gremlin gets lighter when you off load or write or download
You are not someone who bottles up emotions
You know how to share and are really good at it
Don’t stop just because it hurts
Hurting is just proof you have big love
I think the heart and mind has a way of making a decision, or needing to do something subconsciously. Once it has set upon that feeling, need or decision it find all sorts of support, reasons and possibly justification for acting or carrying out that.
Much like self sabotage, ironically. However a more kind, and honest way to describe it would maybe “Self realisation” or simply “subconscious manifestation”? I don’t know…
I’ve been thinking over and over and over and over again about what we talked about. I can’t get it out of my mind so writing my thoughts and questions downs seems to be the easiest way to make sense, calm or feel balanced again.
You only mentioned right at the end of the conversation, only briefly, but it has stirred up my brain. “Something inside of you has clicked on again” “Maybe you can’t be in a relationship as you pursue your journey with your books”. I’m sure there was more but my tired hazy memory can’t recall and I don’t want to make up what I think you said.
This answer in my head hurts me less.
The subconscious knowing these things and staying true to your journey then follows this manifestation. Looking for ways out, or reasons to step outside a relationship with me. This brings me to the incidents you mentioned… I’ve pulled my theory apart in my head too many times over and over, not wanting it to downplay the real impact or your emotions and reactions to my actions. Your experience is completely valid, real and has a real impact on your life, emotions and mental health. I will always do my best to respect, support yours and stand by my own experience also.
Your reaction to the “europe trip” incident was one of anger, hurt and to question how I could say such things / how my values would allow that. I completely get that reaction.
Coming from a perspective of subconscious manifestation maybe you held onto any comments, didn’t tell me you were angry, started to shut down to me emotionally.
My brain keeps telling me if you were coming from a perspective of believing in the strength of our relationship, our ability to be vulnerable and communicate honestly maybe you would have said to me very very soon after this incident what you said to me in the car.
“I’m having a very very strong reaction to this, anger, and I need to time to process this.”
I would have been so grateful to be included, made aware of your experience, been thankful and vulnerable with you communicating right back how I was feeling, the circumstances that maybe caused that flurry of mania, and my scared-ness of family sickness, my internal fight with the desire to run away and turmoil I was causing myself palming family off as an excuse to escape. How I was taking my own time, my extreme reaction and how I was processing an overwhelm of emotions and fear.
Your reaction to my not going to New Zealand immediately you somewhat expressed to me. I knew you would have gone immediately. I wish I knew that you were questioning my values or my motives when I delayed going immediately.
Maybe coming from a perspective of subconscious manifestation maybe you held onto any comments. Maybe if you were questioning my values at this time, you chose to remain silent, and continue to observe me.
Maybe if you felt doubts, you might have believed our ability to be vulnerable and communicate honestly. Maybe you would have told me that you were questioning my values as you observed and experienced them.
I would have been so grateful that you were sharing with me, to be made aware of how my action or nonaction affected your experience. I would have worked really hard to be vulnerable with you, communicating even though I know it wouldn’t have been easy.
Sharing that I value my family immensely, acknowledging that I was choosing to put building my mental health and emotional reserve up doing the things I enjoyed for a couple of days before I dived into the intense religious world of my family for 10 hours + plus a day in the hospital and more at home with my mother. I wish I had shared thought about this at the time, and taken the initiative to try and instigate a conversation.
With my friends and the tarot cards, I understand your experience, thinking I was self sabotaging my closest relationships, maybe putting my passion projects before thinking about my friends. I can empathise with how you might have seen my reaction to your concern about talking with her as flippant and maybe disrespectful or dismissive. How this might have led you to question my values around caring for others, their feelings especially my closest friends.
Maybe coming from a perspective of subconscious manifestation you held onto any more questioning thoughts or opportunities for discussion. Maybe if you were questioning my values at this time, you chose to remain silent, and continue to observe me.
My brain keeps telling me if you had belief, we could work through our differences, learn to question each other better and be able to understand a teeny bit more from each other perspectives. Question when we don’t see things from the same perspective or value system to understanding each other’s experiences. Supporting, sharing and recognising the real emotional and mental impact maybe you would have said to me very very soon after this incident “I’m struggling with you I perceive you to be treating your friends and how your actions affect them and I need to time to process this.”
I have never found the times when you have been withdrawn to process any type of challenge or change easy, but understanding what the “thing” is and working to do what I can to allow you space, freedom, support or independence to would have been the first thing I would always want to do. I would have had the opportunity to share with you how much I had already shared with her about my projects, who we’d already talked about being in the project, what type of people etc. Also I would have had the opportunity to share how much she has shared about her processing and healing of her heart from her relationship with him. I knew all this information so my answer to your question was flippant. You didn’t know this. You only saw your experience and interpretation of the situation where your values of kindness, care and loyalty maybe said what I was doing or saying was wrong, and possibly hurtful. I can see how this might have happened, and it hurts my heart.
I don’t write all this with an intent to say our values aren’t different, I know there are possibly many different ones. I know my values are important to me, I know this period of time has been incredibly hard for me, and it’s changed my reactions, tolerances and way of communicating with you, and I deeply apologise for that.
I knew my family relationship was strained, difficult and something I needed to work through more in therapy and this has certainly brought that to the centre of my attention.
I’m grieving that I didn’t get a opportunity at this point of writing to have any kind of vulnerability, sharing or baring of my soul with you about how hard this last month has been for me, if that information would have shed new light or perspective to your observations and experiences. And that only a month ago we were talking about moving in together and now in such a short time, one that has been so full of externally difficult things to cope with that I think you might have already made up your mind and don’t have room for us to grow together, learn together, support each other on our different separate paths, build a deeper trust, give each other the space we need as we need it and share a vulnerable communication through hard times.
My darling, if you need to follow your journey alone, or without me by your side, or following our own journeys apart without the same level of intimacy and connection we had. I respect that, and I know I will slowly heal, my heart will adjust. I know I am complete, growing and learning to become a better, stronger person who can communicate more honestly, caringly, respectfully and clearly, so I will continue to work on that, taking this heartbreak as a challenge and lesson.
I write this frankly, because I love you, respect your intellect and maturity. I don’t want to write more letters like this to you after this if your mind is unchanged, as that isn’t fair, and you need your time to process, heal and start following your journey. I value your friendship deeply and want to build that deep and strong after we move through this, how ever it my turn out – now, in a year or in ten years.
As I said in the car, I’m proud of you for following your truth and journey. Growing and moving as a person. I am working super damn hard to do the same. I love that you got us a book about “When things fall apart” as I’m sure they have for you in some way too as much as they have for me. I was angry when you first sent it to me, but that was hurt and grief talking. I love you and here’s a massive hug. Be strong, and you so much for reading, listening and thinking about what I have to say. We’ll both come through this stronger. xxxx