Today is not a good day.
I’ve had almost a month of good days save a few at the end of December as I adjusted to not working. Today I feel alone today I feel like I’m going to be alone for ever and that that feels like a terrible thing. Now I know in my head that even if I were to be, it is neither good nor bad. I can create happiness in myself and I’ve proven that to myself so being alone is neither here nor there. But today it feels like a huge weight, a feeling of dread. A feeling that I have so much love to give, such a strong desire for love and personal connection that it feels bottled up like a huge sadness.
I feel like my emotions and my head are at odds.
I still feel the greif in my heart from my last relationship. It’s now almost been as long that I was in a relationship that I’m now out of one. That baffles me. It feels like all I wish for is to love. Letting go of attachment especially to things not good for me. Maybe I need to find a way to redirect, redefine or love in a way that doesn’t require me to have one person love me back. Polyamory has been in and out of my life over the years. I care deeply for the humans I have had in my life but I have not been “in love” outside of monogamy. I’m happy for that to change – for patterns to break but my little heart is scared and sceptical. Love feels like an emotion that is bigger than my body or my mind being made up of the combination.
Being tired brings out that tiny percentage in me that wants fingers to touch my skin in a way that makes my heart race. It craves the feeling of my skin tingling and all my hairs standing on end at the sound if a beloved’s voice whispering beautiful sounds into my ear. It feels like being cold in the middle of winter, hearing the rain or the wind whistling around the walls and windows and snuggling deeper into each other’s arms. Tenderness, vulnerability and a desire to see and be seen.
Right now I’m staying some place where I don’t feel comfortable being openly out, and talking about it at all. When I decide to go somewhere or do something I have the blissful freedom of just running off and doing it. A freedom I’ve also wanted when I’ve felt trapped. I don’t fully know if I am inherently simply craving the thing which I do not currently have. I catch myself here – thinking back to earlier today when I pulled myself up out of my self indulgent melancholia to be present, to love, participate and enjoy all the beauty and wonders immediately around me.
In the Rocky Mountains somehow that felt a little easier than it does now lying in the dark on a couch im some strangers house. The majestic mountains as the glisten in the sun almost touching the blueness of the sky. Standing at the bus stop waiting for a few minutes to tick by I feel small and unimportant next their grandeur. A feeling which makes all other feelings cease to matter.
I know I have experienced deep love that felt full and gave me so much joy. Maybe I have this sadness that is as deep as I loved. I’m glad I know it exists, I’m glad I have had the opportunity to experience it. I am glad I am giving myself the space to heal, to run with and mend my heart. I did not want to even think about loving again a year ago, so feeling like I have this desire and capacity again is a blessing, even if it feels melancholic or painful at times. I have the heart of watery emotions and this too is the gift of feeling deeply. It makes me strong it makes me powerful and I am able to share these feelings, to be able to articulate them with words so you also can understand how I feel and maybe sense the effects, pain, pleasure or joy that they bring.
Today is also a good day. It was a beautiful cold, but crisp sunny day and I was alive. I felt alive, I could see my breath, hang like a coud in front of my face. It misted up my glasses as the air temperature changed.
Today I am writing again. I have stories to tell. I am pouring my thoughts and feelings out into this journal so they are no longer a burden, no longer a heaviness I have to carry around. I feel light again and my mind has slowed down, the sleepless manic has subsided.
I know I will always have myself to love.
It’s been a few months since I put pen to paper or fingers to a key board and opened my creative writing tap. How tightly bound to my creativity is my self worth and productivity driven satisfaction – (acknowledgement is the first step to changing patterns!)
I’ve felt myself hermiting. Healing and processing. The realisation that it is the end of December, I’ve finished work for the year, and I have the next two months to myself. It feels like a vacuum has been broken and a whole lot of fresh air is starting to flood back into me. What an emotional relief.
I’ve grown tired – feeling like a broken record talking about my Van renovations and engine work. In hindsight I took on an incredible project building my house in wheels, starting with a rusty, leaking house, stripping it beyond it’s bare bones and bringing it back to life with a Flossy vibe and design. I’ve learned how not to lay floorboards, I’ve learned about insulation and framing out furniture. I’ve learned that I can pour every cent into a project, live off the smell of an oily rag and still be as happy as a free range pig in shit.
I’ve also learned that doing that has cost me other experiences – like not seeing my favourite Aunty when she was this side of the world. *sigh* It stung a little bit, because it reminded me of the time I missed out on what would have been the last time I missed seeing my grandmother before she passed. They say hard times teaches me really where I want my priorities to be. What you say you value vs where you spend your time and energy. It caught up with me and it’s been really good to stop and reevaluate. My two months off work could have easily crept up on me and all my plans fallen through. Missing out on something that I really wanted to do, has made me get my shit together this time. Now I am in sunny (but cold) Philadelphia!
I know I set high expectations of myself and what I could accomplish. But while building a van, working full time and doing lots of traveling – I feel like I let few people down. I’ve been working through the guilty feelings – a stupid guilty circular spiral. Knowing you have the ability to complete a task vs having the emotional and physical space to do it are two different things. Learning (to say no) – by failing – that I fall of the radar when I’m not coping. Learning to re-write that pattern, ask for help, plan better, ask for time leniency or smaller projects & forgiveness. It’s been a humbling experience.
I made myself a promise to live an honest life. I feel like I’m realising that that needs to extended to being honest to myself about my capacity. Not over extending or over committing myself. I feel like I’ve labeled myself an over achiever in regards to my work speed / ethic. Now I am resetting that internal standard to what I am realistically able to handle at one time.
I wanted to be releasing videos, more of my queer tarot cards and being closer to a full tarot deck by now. I set deadlines for myself an promptly panicked. It killed my creativity. I started this project in April 2017. It’s now December 2018, almost 2019. I’m still at it. Still shooting cards, haven’t begun editing videos.
Being honest with oneself includes not only acknowledging failures but celebrating achievements and milestones too.
My first winter in 12 months makes taking time to rest, stop reading facebook or Instagram, feel like I’m doing very little – seem so so real and visceral. Slowing down with the seasons, eating seasonal food, sleeping with the hours of daylight, being more introspective.
I want my blog to run like more of an informative magazine, I wanted my tarot project to keep going like a business – but it can’t and I can’t. Listening to my body, feeling into what feels good, what makes me happy instead. My joy, my bliss.
I celebrate that my feet have touched SEVEN countries in the last 12 months.
– New Zealand
I asked for adventure
I moved countries
I moved into a vehicle
I asked for time off work
I asked for a job to come back to and got a full time contract for next year.
I asked for freedom
I asked to make real friends
I asked to get to know myself better
I asked to learn how to be in my body
I asked to deepen my spiritual practice
I asked for community
I got to go to BC witch camp and it blew my mind, and I feel so darn loved by the wonderful creatures in my life right now
66 Total cards
73 people photographed
My inner self confidence is growing. I am doubting myself less. Truely enjoying being alone. Finding my voice, with less fear. I hope I inspire you to do the same.
When I decided to move to canada I met someone who was from Canada and who’d offered to sell me their vehicle. Sweet I thought, I’ll have wheels and will be able to travel and sightsee as soon as I get here. Fast forward a month in and it still hadn’t happened. I started looking around not knowing what I was really looking for, to buy a van.
I knew I wanted to be mobile, able to live in it while traveling, maybe longer. Suddenly my antsy frustration trapped feelings of not working for myself and being tied to one spot slowly started to melt away. I the idea I could live and travel anywhere around the city and driving distance on the weekends excited me so much. There was so much land, sights, nature and beauty right at my fingertips – mountains, lakes, seas and islands. It spelled freedom, and in a mysterious way my body energy started to slowly shift.
I ended up buying a cheaper van that needed a lot of love after the expensive one I wanted fell through because I couldn’t get away to look at it in time. The first two weeks I owned her were a tortuous mental turmoil thinking I’d made a terrible decision and bought a dud. I really didn’t know anything about my new van and I didn’t trust my gut that led me to her or even if I’d be able to make it work.
I love naming my vehicles.. I’ve had two green Turtle vehicles at different energetic ages. So I was expecting to find the name of my new van too. I think it took almost a month, maybe a few weeks till it happened. I believe in messages from the universe but this was the first time I’d felt anything at all close to an “out of my control” message. To me trust is a very important thing and I think vehicles have their own personalities in a way. The universe brought her into my life, but her name wasn’t entrusted to me till I trusted her and trusted my decision to have her in my life.
I was just simply texting a friend telling them about my purchase and all the work I’d begun to do to her and how much more I was going to have and I think I simply made the observation that “it was a complete mystery why this van had come into my life and if I had done the right thing and how much more work I’d have to do”. Then my fingers simply typed afterwards:
“Mystery the magick van”
I kind of felt stopped in my tracks, wait what!? Then I quickly followed up the text message with an exclamation – “I think that’s her name!”
“I just found out what her name was in that moment of texting you”
I was buzzing and I’m a state of surprise and somehow just realised and reinforce in my whole body that sometimes life is a mystery.
Sometimes I cannot understand why things happen or what direction all of these culminating things will take me. Trying to plan, control and minutely understand will not make me happy and will not help any kind of situation get better. Mystery was here to teach me this in a giant way.
Not only teach my to trust myself, to let go of control of the future but also to let mysteries be mysteries and enjoy the nuances of all the wonderful things that somehow I’m really having the time of my life learning now.
Skip forward another month and Mystery is in the shop having her carburetor replaced because hills stopped being possible to climb. I’ve just gotten off a bus and am I’m heading to work on the seabus ferry across Vancouver harbour listening to my favourite podcast. Half way through the woman being interviewed starts talking about the mysteries of life. Cue tears, my heart felt jerked, tugged on an completely vulnerable. The heart is so big and it breaks open and open and open. The blasted open energy of the heart is capable of enormous healing. I am here letting life break open my heart, letting this moment change me. Learning to stay with the feeling of knowing that my intuition never lies.
I don’t know what’s next I don’t know how life will pan out – I have to be in the Mystery. We’re so strange as humans we can watch mystery moving but when don’t know how it ends or don’t know the answers in our own lives we go crazy. It’s like living the High Priestess card – allow the Mystery. Allowing myself to be a mystery, allowing my life to be a mystery. I feel it is very brave and vulnerable to live like this – but it’s also a great adventure, which what I want my life to be.
There is no one else to save me, there is no one else to do my own emotional work for me, so I must rise up and save myself, dive into the mystery and follow my hearts. Stop listening to other people and doing what brings me joy. The grail or river of what I love and what makes me whole. I know I have SO much to give when I am in my joy. So much more love, healing, change and energy to share. It is not selfish to pursue what brings me joy.
What brings you joy?
What mystery are you sitting with right now?
All conditioned phenomena is impermanent.
All polluted phenomena are unsatisfactory.
All phenomena are empty and selfless.
Nirvana is true peace.
Learning to be afraid and not run away hide or try to repress it. Even the idea of sitting in a feeling letting it be letting it hurt. Checking my thoughts that are only focused outwards on what someone else did. Checking my own behavior, my attachment to ideals ideas dreams or ways of imagining or desiring a state of being, a status and feeling. when something isnt about the person its about wht they stand for to me or how I view myself when I am with someone or in a certain situation. That is what I meed to question. Dwelling on a relationship or certain status as permanent or desiring it to be permanent when nothing ever is. When state of flux is always the way when change is the only thing that is constant. Holding on to a thing for comfort or a perceived sense of stability or groundedness or love when all that I need is within me waiting to be discovered or more than discovered.. Just trusting the ourselves to get through it observing our thoughts our behavior as we do so. Brought out and purified of all the shit clustering around it. The distraction the mental chatter in our brains that never shuts up a always brings us down. That state of conscious kindness to ourselves. Compassion to ourselves and aware need of how our actions effect others. This is also something I am really starting even begin to comprehend. How giving our selves the space to be in the present moment feel every emotion and fear observe it but not dwell or by into it as an overwhelming truth. Because each emotion and fear too will pass a change. In times of trail and when things fall apart all is left is the immutable steadfastness or or being. We are still here. Our hearts still beat. We are now vulnerable and open stripped of the comforts or ideals and attachments we clung to. We need to rediscover the happiness that comes from inside ourselves. Observing the purity of being when we face the world with love that has no conditions, peace and compassion for others to make this world a better place by our being in it.
You are strong, grounded and steady. Spirituality is important to you.
Everything you start saying that you want in your next partner are things that you have in yourself. You possess these qualities. Don’t spend time dreaming about the future person you want in you life, dream about the perfect version of yourself you are working to become.
You are creative, and make things, you are healthy, you eat well. You are tidy and your house has order, character and beauty about it. You’re stable and reliable.
You don’t get lonely, you appreciate being alone, sit in that place of uncomfortableness and make peace with it. Feeling yourself and appreciating the beautiful life you have. The amazing friends you have.
Life is a wonderful adventure and journey. You manifested an adventure, turning down an opportunity and bringing another more unexpected upheaval with it.
What does a relationship mean to you?
I don’t know what it means to me now. I feel like I wanted a relationship for the solidarity of that being one thing I didn’t need to worry about. Someone to pour out all my love on, someone, my person to feel fulfillment of my need to connect and experience intimacy. Even writing this all now it seems very selfish and self centred, filled with lots of expectations on others.
What do you get out of it?
Joy, excitement of sharing life, sharing experiences and love. Feeling connected and intimate with someone. Seeing joy, happiness, and pleasure, even satisfaction on someone else’s face. Feeling like you’re able to share support, you’re not just here for yourself, that this whole life is just a little bit bigger than you. You have the ability to give joy and happiness, belonging and love to someone else.
How does it feel?
I always felt really content, happy and grounded. Knowing I belonged, I was special to someone. Feeling part of something beautiful. Feeling connected and in love. I felt like I could take on anything because I had my love. I could be brave, courageous, because I had a safe place to share my worries, cares and feel heard. Feeling protected, and the knowledge that someone out there really cares about you. That you matter to someone.
Why is it so important?
I feel like it’s just wired into me. It’s like I couldn’t stop being gay just as much as I couldn’t stop wanting to be in a relationship. I feel like everything has meaning and stability, even though I know I have all of that inside of myself. It’s so challenging to try and switch off that desire. Impossible like the struggle I had with trying to tone down my love or turn it off when she wasn’t emotionally available to me. Like I was born to love someone, and be loved by someone. To know that it is hard work, and know I am committed, able to love COMPLETELY, with all of my being, not thinking for a second that it was impossible or that we wouldn’t be able to make it through anything together.
How do co dependency and independence work in a relationship dynamic?
I don’t know. I know they should and I want them to. But maybe I’m just using the wrong words. Two people in each others lives, in a relationship will always have some level of co-dependence. And unless they’ve learned young not to trust, that humans are untrustworthy or that it hurts and people can’t be consistent then we’re wired that way. I feel so sad that people have horrible childhood experiences or as they grow up have had that love and trust in people that are closest to them beaten out of them. I know it scares the shit out of me, and I’ve taken such a long time to truly open myself up to loving, trusting and being completely open to someone but I believe it’s the only way a relationship could work.
After saying all of that, I think two people need to also keep their self identity their own interests their own independence in a relationship. Their sense of self, defining themselves by their own not as a pair. Being able to make decisions about what they want and what they do for themselves. Taking into account their partner but not being ruled or controlled. This is a fine balance, and I know one I still need to work on more and one that differs for each person and their own boundaries and what they need.
All the list of things you want in a partner are the things you should be celebrating and working towards in yourself. As you do this you become a more whole person. It’s okay to mourn the loss of a the feelings a relationship gives you. Don’t dwell on the negative for ever. You’re a happy person, feeling sad is okay, sitting in the discomfort of losing something, the breaking of attachment is ok. It’s healthy but staying there too long or at the detriment of love, laughter, happiness and feeling content with the beautiful life I have is not.
Feeling like all those beautiful things that I desired so much have been roughly and cruelly ripped away from me is so hard. Maybe it happened so I could re-evaluate how much I was attached to those feelings and that state of being than actually appreciating her as a person and her complexity. I need to and I know I struggled with idolising the relationship for being as I thought perfect and beautiful.. I know that it had so much I struggled with, and I overlooked and just let it be.. I should have said more that I struggled, acknowledged it wasn’t perfect but that it was okay to not be perfect and that we both were able to and did work on it to make it what it was.
I shall take that away as something I can learn. Nothing is perfect, everything can be worked on and improved, and attachment to a certain way of being, loving, living or a relationship only leads to heartbreak and disappointment when it doesn’t all stay “perfect” or goes through flux or change. I can celebrate the things it taught me
You have the capacity to commit and be completely vulnerable and “IN” something.
You’re a beautiful person and an amazing lover and partner
You have the right mindset to make a relationship work even if it’s hard work and challenging
You are so forgiving regardless of how hurt you get, you open up to love more
Your heart will grow back, you can trust completely
Being in a relationship and not looking for something else, or better or the grass greener somewhere else is the most amazing feeling
Feeling fully trusted and trusting fully is a beautiful feeling and you’ve never really experienced that before
Feeling safe, cared for and loved is possible, and will only change not go away as you become friends
You have an amazing capacity to communicate and patience to work with and love someone
You have so much love to give, and intense passion and commitment, that you should NEVER be ashamed of
You will not end up alone
Somewhere someone wants to grow old with someone like you
You are both learning all the life lessons you need to experience to grow a deeper and more beautiful relationship and love to create and give more to others together
Head up girl. A broken heart grows back. You have more life to live, more love to give and this is just the amazing beginning to a new chapter in life. Chin up, learn, grow, celebrate and move on.