The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The MOON, my my friend the moon. This tarot card keeps popping up or should I say down, off my tarot card wall holder again and again and again then yesterday twice at once! I think it’s come up about 5-8 times for me in my readings, or as I pass through my room and random cards lift off with the breeze and fall to the floor.  It’s always been the moon.  Dear moon, I’m listening now.

Don’t panic.  Face your fears.  Recognise the limits of your perception. Accept being in the dark, for now.  Reach out for guidance and clarity.

For 4-5 days I would wake up with a fog in my head.  A heavy dark feeling that meant, my usual brain chatter felt almost silent.  But not silent in the calm meditative way, but in a sluggish, numb and heavy way.  Driving, it felt like the rain was hitting my face not the windscreen.  The tears rolling down my face as I drove towards the sunset, as it faded behind the horizon in the evening.    

It felt like I wasn’t thinking I was just hurting, I couldn’t pin-point a thought or a single feeling that I could accuse of bringing my normally sunny personality down. I resonate with the Sun- 19 most often.  A feeling of radiance, joy, child-like innocence and gratitude for the tiny gifts around me.  The eternal optimist.  Then in these shadow times I don’t know what to do with myself, the feeling is foreign, uncomfortable and goes against everything I feel wired for.

The Moon journal story through tarot1

The Moon: My story through tarot

A feeling of numbness and hurt.
A feeling of disconnection from my body.
A complete shut-down of my physical self, touch the sexual and emotional
A feeling of tiredness, not giving up but of overwhelm consuming all of me.

Tension everywhere.  Sadness but no root cause for sadness. I wonder out loud to myself, if this is my period announcing its impending arrival. Then check my period app, and see “Still 8 days to go”.  This isn’t my normal gentle hormonal flux which shares an emotional gift of a few tears and vulnerability with me every month.

When I focus on thing the darkness lifts. If I focus on my blessings I’m happy and grateful, if I focus on being a radical, strong queer femme witch the fire that that connects to inside me burns passionately.  But I have to work so hard it seems right now to maintain this, it fades and I return to a tired, numb feeling. Like I haven’t slept for days. Like my eyelids are heavy.  

When the moon shines light in, recognise this isn’t an easy time for clear answers, certain direction or logical planning. Instead you’re being asked to journey through some of the darker shadows of your soul. Have conversation with those shadow parts, that you have been taught to banish because they are not good enough.  Remind yourself these parts are as deserving of love and gentleness as those parts of yourself you are comfortable with showing in full light.

Thinking about the chats, catch ups with my friends and general busyness I’ve engaged in lately. I’m commended for being so together, looking at the world in a beautiful positive light.  I’ve in these moments focused on sharing things positively. I know I can articulate it beautifully, I know how to look at things in a kind, gentle beautiful and healing light.  Getting my physical body and subconscious on the same page seems to be the lesson that this moon is here to teach me. I know I can – after deciding I just couldn’t this morning, I somehow mustered the energy actually pushing myself to get up, and at least look like I’m existing in this world the way I’m expected to.

It feels like I’d run out of happy, like I’d run out of joy.  I’ve meditation twice a week now with beautiful groups of people. The combined energy of self care, growth through calming the mind I absorb.  The healing empath in me feeds off of it, giving out mine and feeling grateful, vulnerable in the space to heal and soak up the love all around me. A quiet moment I can disconnect with my head, leave the darkness behind, focus on the flickering candle light, the sound of deep OM. Calming my mind, slowing down my crazy internal chatter – the “thoughts” that come and go, not buying into each rabbit hole that presents itself. To focus on my spiritual journey, learning about myself and ways to manage this roller coaster. Focusing on really trying to be kind to myself, letting go feelings of judgement or negativity or any kind of feeling that my darkness is a bad thing.  

More than anything loving, acknowledging and letting go all my negative, harmful feelings attached to the past.  The past is the past, there is no point in re-living it, torturing myself, but instead letting it be, loving the beautiful past, the exciting memories, that amount I’ve grown, the love I’ve shared and experience and enjoyed so fully and completely. I can’t bring the past with me, I can’t make it come back, I can’t live in that moment over again.  I can’t hold so desperately to the future fearing that I won’t turn out the way I desire.  I can’t live feeling that level of fear, hurt or desperation.  So I let go, I move on, and this time I really feel that shedding, and releasing.  Not completely, as this will take practice and my subconscious will need much reminding, but it feels like I have a point of reference, I know it is good for me, and the weight of fog, darkness and heaviness has been experienced, listened-to and respected for the gift, the lesson I needed to learn.

We’re often in shock, after a traumatic rejection, and so may not be conscious of the full extent of the hurt. And the tendency towards denial is strong.  I find, in fact, that many rejections are like icebergs: small on the surface, but much larger underneath.  I would therefore err on the side of caution and assume I’m hurting worse – and need more healing – than I may realise.  If you need to a big cry, a period of darkness, a sulk: take it, you’re not hurting anyone. – Not Just Lucky by Jamila Rizvi

In my head I know that pain is growth, it is the doorway to change, new direction and new life.  Without a forest fire how does the bush regenerate? Without devastation, how is the heart ready for new, change and growth?!  Going through this process is overwhelming and having regular times where I sit to stop and calm my mind has been the most healing thing I’ve done for my own self care.  During this session, focusing but not really focusing this one thing hit me.  Now I know it on a practical level, and if asked about my journey I’d have said it without thinking about the depth of it.  Those moments where something you know becomes something you can feel, that connects deeply with the experiences you’re having at that moment is magickal. I don’t think I’ve had one that has smacked me in the face quite so much as this.

From the gorgeous kind druid energy in my life, I’ve gotten to know the Rune that aligns with the Moon Tarot card- Algiz.  This extra dynamic has highlighted the parallel journey I’m experiencing in reclaiming and re-valuing my own gifts of sunshine, and warmth.  Acknowledging people enjoy my company because they leave feeling lifted and energised and the effect / toll/ emotional cost that has on me in sharing it. That I enjoy this giving, and sharing but I need to be more mindful of it’s value, and the effort it takes for me to recharge my own energy in myself after.

Algiz speaks of the more mature aspects of temperance and wisdom. Algiz may be attempting to get you to understand that there are others who are using your energies because you are allowing it to happen. Many followers of the Runes wear Algiz as a protection from the negative forces of the outer world.


Algiz Rune

Algiz carries a warning – if you find yourself experiencing a period of difficulty which is painful, be honest and stick with the experience. As you work through the issue, look around and evaluate what your part in creating the discomfort truly is. Are you shooting yourself in the foot without realising it? Watch for new interests, but use your good judgment when pursuing them. Allow yourself to experience the lesson Algiz offers – your future beckons! More info here

I love the Moon, I can feel it’s energy and pull at full and new moons. Being a sun child, a summer baby, a Sunshine Goddess, I’m appreciating the moon in a whole new way as the cyclical shadow side, the growth, the letting go of the past.  Embracing the new change, stopping to get in touch with the deep feelings, the hurt, and things I am most afraid of.  Pushing to experience my deepest growth and change through facing my fears and confusion. Slowing down, metering my “busyness” with time to stop and feel. Paying attention to my intuition, when it tells me to slow down, listen to the seasons and the flux of the changing cycles.


Telling Queer Stories: Heavy Brain Poem

Telling Queer Stories: Heavy Brain Poem

Do you ever feel as though your brain is heavy?

Like it could just knock your whole head off and make you unsteady.

Do you ever hear the cry of the Wolf deep wither your ear canal?

Howling the the breeze of the unsteady heavy brain.

Do you ever drift off mid conversation?

Oi, Oi! Are you listening to what I’m saying?

Lights on no one home, heavy brain wolf in your ear.

Have you ever felt the depths of depression

In so deep you can’t cope with the pressure

Dark days even darker nights

Cloudy mind heavy brain

Just wanna dance in the rain

To no prevail you try to get up

Even if it’s for just one cup.

For me I take a moment in time

Not the type to wine and dine

My soul is to heal from its own inner hell

A world of turmoil sunk deep in a spell

Tortured and abused my body weeps

A temple they say… I need a beach

Oceans of salt wash away the hate

Self love self care walked out the gate.

Filling my mind with various poisons

Only to wake back in a state

To heavy to breath

To unsteady to stand I go bury my head deep in the sand

Sex, drugs, dancing on tables

No wonder I felt so unstable.

Serotonin so depleted from years of addiction

Where on earth do I start to fix it?

Stop drinking stop smoking put down that pill

Easy to say goes against my will

Smokey haze drunken summer days

Addicted minds come out to play

Why would I want it any other way

Has been my life to this very day

Try to stop the doc will say

Mind takes over the bottle stays

Take this pill it will make you sick

Even if you have just one sip

Purple haze brains seen better days

Now it is time to clean out the closet

Change my ways of sinking to the bottom

Whoops once again the bottle is empty

Why on earth can’t I stop this cycle so tempting

Self medicating the years away

Not knowing to this very day

Drunken stupor why was I so stupid

How did I not see I was battling PTSD.

Years of torment inflicted on oneself

Blowing my brain to pieces

Now it is time to recreate the jigsaw

Begin a new life it is official

Have u ever heard your own inner battle

Loud n clear in your own head

Be free of thought, mindless unwind

Do u ever hear voices inside?

I’m telling you now with time and trust you can quiet your mind….

Labradorite Crystal Magick

Labradorite Crystal Magick

I love Labradorite. To me it’s magickal.  The flashes of blues, greens, yellows and sometimes even pinky purples blow my mind! Coming from New Zealand I’ve always loved greenstone, or Jade.  Labradorite has since stolen my heart, and I’ve started making necklaces featuring predominately Labradorite.  Following and respecting the Māori, the indigenous inhabitants of New Zealand before the white man, these necklaces are made after the style of a traditional Māori Toki necklace binding. The Toki is a symbol of courage and strength in times of adversity, often worn by Māori elders as a symbol of power, wisdom and authority. These are not Toki necklaces, as not made of greenstone, only bound in a similar style with waxed cord.

Download this infographic that shares more about Labradorite, it’s uses, meanings, and healing properties of Labradorite, here.

My other favourite and a far cry from Labradorite is the Peacock ore, following similar flashes, and unlike what I originally thought, is not man made but coloured this way due to oxidisation of the ore once it meets oxygen after being dug up. You can see why I love it:  Peacock ore is strong in inspiring creativity, self esteem and mental clarity.  A water element crystal, balances my fire Sagittarius sign strongly. Love love!


Universe Magick: When things fall apart

Universe Magick: When things fall apart

I’ve not written as much as I’d have liked for this blog recently. However my pen (or in this case keyboard) has been chalking up a storm. I’ve been writing myself letters as if it were all I had to live for.  Truely writing has saved my sanity and helped me through May, an incredible month of challenges, where everything I thought subconsciously was fixed, has changed. Family, health, homophobia, relationships and my spiritual journey.

As challenging as it’s all been I think I’m starting to see the lessons the Universe is gently (hah) teaching me.

  • I are always alone, and moment shared is a gift for that moment in time
  • Most of my actions as humans are driven by fear
  • Stopping to examine myself really shows me what is driving my behaviour (meditation)
  • Letting go of hopes and attachments will help me to stop torturing myself with the things I am scared of/ fear
  • If the only thing that is constant is change then making peace with that discomfort is the only option
  • So many thing will change, my happiness comes from taking in the present moment and experiencing it with gratitude
  • Treat myself with loving kindness, checking my inner critic or the voice in my head when it spins into negativity

Having a family health scare when you aren’t specifically close to that person has really challenged my view of family, and my thoughts around permanence and impermanence. Watching my father in hospital, not knowing if he’d pull through, making every effort to connect with him and share love was hard.  Having a sick-bed conversation about my sexuality vs my parents religious views challenged me about being accepted, and my parents way of communicating love to me. We’ll never see eye to eye on that topic and I’m trying slowly to let go of the fear and anger it used to cause me.  Those feelings are completely in my control as I choose how to react to what is happening around me.

I’ve always struggled with loneliness.  Weather it came from being the oldest child in a homeschool family or being a lone trailblazer of my own path as a teenager. I don’t know, it’s probably a feeling all humans experience.  This is the first time I’m facing it without trying to run away, feeling the pain of it but being less scared of it.  I think we all have a “crutch” or a patch, distraction or escape from this feeling of loneliness.  For me it manifests as restlessness, sadness or a craving for love or attention.

  • I go for a walk in the bush
  • I try messaging everyone I know online
  • I post a huge bunch of posts on all my social media
  • or I seek out love or connection with someone I trust

All these are my crutches, my attempt to escape from loneliness.  I can’t escape, and I think suddenly realising (my journey and books I’m reading) has kicked me in the ass to be more patient with it.  Let go of trying not to feel like this and appreciating those lonely moments for what they are. We are all alone, but not alone at the same time.

  • I’m a strong, beautiful, stable person
  • I’ve been in a terribly lonely place before and come through it (it’s not gonna kill me)
  • Every change that has come into my life in the past I’ve come through in one piece smiling
  • The more I love myself the more at peace with my complexity, how I am
  • Being kind to myself makes this whole journey easier (I don’t need to make it harder)
  • New experiences, connections and life gifts/ blessings are right around the corner if I am open to see and accept them

I hate being scared!  I’ve just been to Tasmania for the Dark Mofo festival where I participated in a even giving voice to my deepest fears and feeding them to this year’s Dark Mofo Ogoh-Ogoh, a demon-like sculpture common to Balinese Hinduism.  They will then cremate the fear-laden ogoh-ogoh in ceremonial smoke, fire and noise. Check out a video of it from 2016 here.  It was such a timely event for me to go to, it had been an incredibly hard week doing a trip alone that wasn’t planned that way.  Reading a book (video below) and realising how much of my own view of myself, my story and my fears have caused my unhappiness. Reframing it all from a blessed, and grateful view, letting go, and checking the things that make me scared and realising the underlying thoughts that drive them – has incredibly mind blowing.

As I was in front of the Ogoh-Ogoh trying to think of the things that I was afraid of and write them down, I was so confronted by my own internal dialogue.

I’m only scared of these things, because they’re the direct opposite of not having certain things or being in a certain space.

As soon as I let go of that hope or clinging to an ideal, I felt more relieved and less worried.  I can’t control anything external to me, but I can change how I react to those situations.  That is magick.. That is hard challenging magick.  That’s magick I want to master.

Developing a new relationship with fear and my hopes – This is what I am learning, it scares and excites me.  I’m so far outside of my comfort zone I can only celebrate how much I’m learning as I go through this new phase, page in my life, embracing the new, the change.

Sun Tarot Magick

Sun Tarot Magick

Creating a photographic Tarot Card series has been the most amazing thing! Sharing, learning and living my Major Arcana Tarot experience. In the Tarot course I’m creating for you guys!

I’m including a “experience” or ritual that you can do to “live” the tarot card, or bring it into your life more.

The full Meditation/ Sun salutation will be part of the Tarot Magick introduction to Major Arcana. Video created by The Rockwell Project