Telling Queer Stories: The Lovers – 6

Telling Queer Stories: The Lovers – 6

In the major arcana the 6th card in the deck is the lovers card. It’s traditional representation (painted in 1910 by Pamela Coleman-Smith), shows two figures; Adam and Eve before the fall, enjoying the innocence of the garden and their own nudity while an angel looks on above. In the tree behind Eve, lies the snake hinting at the choice to come to gain knowledge and wisdom and behind Adam is a tree with 12 flowers symbolising the astrological houses. The card is represented by Gemini, choices in romantic relationships and duality. It can also be said the card represent the two halves of the brain and the point in human evolution where childbirth became difficult for women due to the increase of brain mass in the species. Generally speaking however this card represents romantic relationships.

I’ve been receiving this card repeatedly since the last frost nub of winter which has been a surprise to say the least because breakups are something I’ve had a lot of this year and I’m not know for successful relationships or positive choices in partners. This continual drawing of the lovers card began following a breakup of a relationship which was short in length and depth.  However the pain took me by surprise, and I was already grieving the end of the possible partnership before the conversation even came. In the lead-up to the conservation I attributed my grief to cosmologically consequences. I’m a cancer sun and experiencing emotions on a large scale is a common experience for me. Since 2011, I’ve been able to access, receive and feel emotions from large groups like those of the “Occupy” protests in NY during the final eviction or the tsunami in Japan. It’s not easy being an empath and sometimes it can be difficult to know where the emotions are coming from. Often I find my body anticipates emotions up to 2-3 days before an event occurs; both for a world event or an extremely personal one. Jungian analyst and writer; Marion Woodman’s recently wrote an article that describes the way I have moved through the world even down to my entry to this life via c-section which i believe is the cause of this tendency to anticipate emotions and try to move through life lessons a little too quickly. LINK

The heart pain and heaviness was daily and all day- sometimes the pain was in the front of my body, sometimes in the back. I had only known this person for a few months and had specifically avoided conversations about partnership, nevertheless when the break came, the pain seemed overwhelming and somewhat extreme for the length and depth of what was between us. During this time, I had started to look at tarot again after a long break; another break up (this time walking away from https://www.facebook.com/sistersoftheequinox/). Surprisingly, daily readings would always come back with a result of the lovers card or the two of cups, and never reversed. Astrological forecasts suggested that love was the main preoccupation for the ex lover. Much of what was around me, suggested that the break up was a mistake but as a cancerian I am always wary of seeing things I want to see and manipulating others to see them too.

Queer Tarot The-Lovers-Tarot-Cards

Queer Tarot: The Lovers Tarot Cards by Trung Nguyen

The lovers card is still following me. In those first early weeks of romantic pain, it was infuriating, upsetting and defying my previous experience of the tarot whose guidance has always offered a different perspective and helped me to make decisions to the pathway of my highest good. Even yesterday (6 weeks later), after coming home to spend some time with my mother and hoping to inspire her to return to her art practice and share my love of the Motherpeace tarot deck (designed by Karen Vogel and Vicki Nobel in the late 1970’a), the card she left facing upwards was the lovers; with the 9 of cups beside it. The Motherpeace tarot card represents a different aspect of the lovers card. Whereas other decks imply love and romantic partners as a sort of destiny, the Motherpeace card removes the personality and gender aspect and reflects more upon the difficulties of choosing a partner. The choices are represented by different cups, each reflecting qualities of masculinity or femininity in a greco roman style. The energies reach out over their physical boundaries and mingle in the middle representing the bliss that can be made from union. In Vicki Noble’s book she writes about 6, the number of the card representing a peak experience; and the lovers representing a peak experience of union.

A few weeks back I participated in a ritual to welcome the coming of spring. After the ceremony, we each chose a few cards from numerous decks, with only one tarot deck in circulation. I of course, received my card of the promise of love.  At that point, I felt like breaking. Romantic love felt very far away, yet I was continuing to receive this message as if it was already here embracing me. I returned home with message feeling confused as to why it has been constantly been with me. When I returned home I opened up the latest email from a tarot project I have been backing since 2015, and the card of course greeting me was the lovers. However unlike other projections of this card, the image drawn by Christy C. Road is of a naked feminine person holding a handful of spoons reaching forward to embrace another feminine person through a mirror who is walking with a cane. (Click image for link)

The Lovers Queer Tarot

THE LOVERS 💜As the universe offers pipe dreams, delusions, and wayward paths; embrace an indestructible bond that honours you for you

This card had symbolism for those that have difficulty experiencing love for themselves, let alone love for another being and finally gave me some hope of understanding why the goddess was choosing to repeat this message to me over and over again. Since then, I have been applying myself to loving those small parts of myself that feel unloved, working through my childhood experiences of feeling less than loved sometimes and thinking more and more of my community and how we struggle to be accepted in our choices of love. I am reminded again of what a radical act it is to love yourself, to be kind to yourself, to offer yourself the solace and companionship you need. Also I think of  how some people in our community have difficulty finding love, feeling love and feeling included and each time I receive this card now or see it within a reading I am reminded of the embrace of self which is always reaching out to us through the mirror.

How do you feel about the Lovers card? Do you have an interesting story about your relationship or journey with the Lovers Tarot Card? I’d love to hear about it.

Abundance and friendship: Three of Cups

Abundance and friendship: Three of Cups

I believe if you wish to gain, achieve or learn something specific in life, and must be for or about yourself. Click To Tweet

You nor I cannot manifest or change someone else into being nicer, kinder or more loving.  You cannot change someone else, and it is not good for us either to wish harm to others. The universe would only throw that back in your face.  In those situations, all we control or influence is ourselves. We can change, react or simply leave the situation.

I see abundance in the three of cups, it nudges me to consider, in the madness of my life, how inexhaustible love can be and abundance we all have within us and how we share it, should we do the work to discover it. It challenges me to look at my relationship with my fear of scarcity or lack (reversed).

If our manifestations are focused outwards instead of inwards, the universe may bring about that manifestation to us in ways less than pleasant.   When we focus inward it encourages us to work on ourselves, become more open and ready to do our own hard work. Friendship can help and support us through this journey. The spirit of friendship, to help and with help and love from others, that I have shared with my friends in solidarity. I feel blessed to be able to share my struggle to build a balanced relationship with abundance. Manifesting abundance is to love yourself, to love others and be loved, to give and be given to, to feel part of a greater whole.

This past year I think I’m a bit of a Lucky B*tch and I have been manifesting like a mo-fo. I’ve always believed that “If you dream it, you can make it happen”. I almost gave myself no option but to trust my gut instincts and believe that my manifestations would lead me down the right track. A few of the things have been material objects like my couch, and an amazing lamp that I’d described to myself in great detail – that I then found at a side of the road garage sale for $20 (it needed many many hours of elbow grease polishing and cleaning off all the rust)!


Others have been more challenging like, finding the perfect place to live in. I tried desperately and with much grief to find somewhere for a me and a friend to live. As soon as I gave up on what I ‘thought I wanted’ and accepted that maybe I should live on my own, the universe brought a literal choice of places to pick from right into my lap. I was trying to manifest what I thought she wanted, instead of what I needed to ground myself to be able to create and share from a place where my cup was completely full.  I’d resisted and resisted which caused me nothing but pain, and the moment I stopped resisting, listened, looked at the love I needed, the opportunities appeared.

  • It taught me to stop trying to please everyone else at a detriment to myself, my stress levels and mental health
  • It taught me, that loving others does not mean compromising myself
  • It taught me to stop, feel the pain, and be open to the unexpected, the impermanence of what we “think” we want
  • It taught me a lesson in boundary setting and self care I’m still continuing to learn

Well played universe, well played.

Then even more recently than that, I stopped working full time to work part time and focus more strongly on my business.  That meant a new job and changes to my budgeting and bank balance. The universe really had it in for me to learn a lesson in trust (I’m still not a confident expert).  Trusting everything would be okay, I’d be able to stop eating into my savings or adjust my lifestyle and manage my money better. I didn’t want to feel like I had a negative relationship with my money, or that I was a miserly scrooge. I was struggling however to have a healthy non codependent relationship with my business income and pay checks.  

After a couple of tearful and stressed moments, beautiful moments of vulnerability where I admitted to myself what I was scared of and slowly saw the fear of scarcity (3 of cups reversed) and uncertainty lift. Giving myself space to feel, and stepping back to decide that I’d make it work, I’d survive, not be miserable. Slowly as the agitation in my spirit lessened, I accepted the risk, the adventure, the trust in my own abilities, my calm returned. 

In a short space of time my triad of abundance had come to fruition. The Three of Cups combine the qualities of both the Ace and the Two of Cups. As I learn to love and trust my self, my abundance will grow and blossom. The 3 (triad) of three things in my learning about manifestation does not seem amiss as look at my way of interpreting the healing, fullness and abundance of this tarot card.

I hope you’ve followed me through my journey in learning about manifestation, learning to trust my gut, share and love, let go and grow through the process. Even though my (self inflicted – I chose to change jobs/hours) moment of overwhelm, I still believed that the universe would magick the answer to my manifestation. I thought it was just going to be a lesson in being less material, being more economic and open to a less dependant on money for a lifestyle or pleasures.  And now thinking back it, they have been just a tiny element of what I have learned about myself –  but the kicker?

It's always the unexpected things, the unexpected lessons or the unexpected journeys that have helped me grow the most. Click To Tweet

I got given my 6 month pay review (from my part time job) increase 4 months early. To be honest I was in shock for quite a while, but it challenged me to go, so if the fear is removed how can I continue to keep my mindset, my new attitude to money. When I was told I forgot to be suitably excited and grateful out of disbelief.  My first thoughts were: Okay magick manifestation – you got me. If I ever doubt again if I’m ever not open, trusting or super specific, not letting go for the beautiful experience that my manifestations teach me – I hope I can re-read this post and learn, realise how wonderful manifesting my dreams can be. Now I think “how can I use my abundance to share, manifest more things for my community and those I love?”.

It felt like the universe not only had a massive lesson to teach me, but had done it in the form of “cute” practical joke that it had been played on me. I’ll write more about how I view “the universe”, soon as I know I keep referring to it in 3rd person, but that is a post for another day.

The things I try to constantly remind myself about manifestation and the lessons it has taught me this year:

  • Love yourself and let in the love around you
  • Be super specific
  • Do not be expectant or anxious impatient for your manifestation to happen
  • Be trusting and let go the worry
  • Be open and ready to learn the lessons the universe would teach you
  • Be prepared to put in the hard work to bring your manifestation to life

May magikcal opportunities and doors open for you. May the lessons and personal growth be hard yet rewarding along the way.
I love to share stories of my experiences to show this magick is possible. I don’t mean to portray it as an easy or quick process that won’t also be challenging.  I acknowledge that my experience and journey is completely unique, my way of doing things will not work for everyone, and I acknowledge my privileges that make some of this possible. I am grateful for my abundance and do my best to share, build up and journey with those who I love, and those who’s needs I can make lighter.

Flossy xxx

 

Manifesting the magick of abundance: Ace of Pentacles

Manifesting the magick of abundance: Ace of Pentacles

Our selves, our lives are so full of possibilities waiting to be unearthed.  Sowing the seeds today, to manifest prosperity, abundance and starting to create those wonderful feelings of groundedness within ourselves in the future is magick. The message I’m taking from the Ace of Pentacles is to follow my gut instinct, dare greatly, manifest abundance, and take action when opportunities present themselves to me,

Manifestation is the art of creating a positive synergy in the universe, putting out there the things you want, being grateful for what you have and being willing to accept the universe providing in way that that challenges your expectations.

When I say I want my business to be able to support myself financially, my whole rhetoric and thought processes has been completely challenged.

  • How do I view money?
  • Am I attached to it?
  • Do I have a scarcity complex?
  • What is the emotional labour am I willing to exchange for money?
  • Most importantly, what do I consider to be “enough” money for me?

This continues to be and has been the most wonderful challenging journey in ways, I never expected. Manifestation of abundance can be as complex or by complete contrast the most simple thing.

I moved house in October last year from one room into a little 1 brm apartment. I didn’t have the money or the furniture to furnish my living area. I love to decorate in a unique creative way and the temptation to start browsing the internet for quirky furnishings was so tempting. As a highly visual person I created a vision in my mind’s eye of what I wanted my little house to look like. The colours, the textures and the fabric. Sometimes the things we dream of don’t come to us on a platter the way we imagine.

A seed of productivity has been planted in your life although you may not yet recognise it. When the seed sprouts, it could take almost any form. It might be a feeling of centeredness, desire for results or need to focus on practical matters. Being open to unexpected gifts, opportunities or synchronistic events surprising us with the answers to our manifestations.

I have always lusted after a luxurious chaise lounge, that almost fairy tale kind, long enough to lay on but not too long that it would take up my entire room. A dark velvety fabric with some sort of baroque pattern. You’re starting to see it in your imagination. Daringly I manifest all this to the universe.

I found myself talking out loud describing it and saying how excited I was and the feeling or how grounded and peaceful my house would feel all put together. All the wonderful things I could create, the friendships and conversations I’d share in the space I’d imagined in my head.

Then one day, driving through my local suburb, unexpectedly glancing at the hard rubbish / tip junk on the side of the road verge. Low and behold there was my couch!! Except it was a grimy peach, covered in mould, and tatty fabric looking sad and rejected in the damp grass. Exactly the opposite of what I’d imagined. The old peach fabric was covered in light mould, the wooden legs were rotting and the seat cover was a daggy torn leopard print . If I wanted my dream couch, there was going to be A LOT of hard work involved.

Manifestation is the art of creating a positive synergy in the universe, putting out there the things you want, being grateful for what you have and being willing to accept the universe providing in way that that challenges your expectations.

Today my couch is glorious, the jewel of my little nook. I found the exact fabric I wanted and saved up to buying it. I spent many hours sweating ripping fabric off the frame, stripping it back ready for its new life.

I embrace the element of risk and failure when I stick my neck out, manifesting new things and trying to effect disruptive change in my life. The Ace of Pentacles encourages me to go forward trusting the process, my practical self-knowledge and my openness to unconventional opportunities that I might otherwise have missed.

I’ve really had to be super patient to get what I’d wished for. Simple magick. I’m glad it happened this way as this couch means so much more to me, since I put so much effort and work into it myself. I could have gone and bought the finished product, but it wouldn’t have touched me, broken me, or taught me this lesson. It now carries memories of my my magick, my hard work and love – the precious gift manifestation has given me.

  • I asked for something super specific.
  • I was not expectant or impatiently waiting for it to appear.
  • I trusted the process, embraced the risk and let go of feelings of scarcity.
  • I was open and ready to learn the lessons the universe would teach me, in order to receive it.
  • I was prepared to put in the hard work to bring my manifestation to life.

 

I love to share stories of my experiences to show this magick is possible. I don’t mean to portray it as an easy or quick process that won’t also be challenging.  I acknowledge that my experience and journey is completely unique, my way of doing things will not work for everyone, and I acknowledge my privileges that make some of this possible. I am grateful for my abundance and do my best to share, build up and journey with those who I love, and those who’s needs I can make lighter.

Come join me – connect, share tea on my couch one day <3

Flossy xxx

What being a Queer Witch means to me:

What being a Queer Witch means to me:

Being a witch means reclaiming my spiritual path as my own and letting expectations. Being a witch means celebrating my boundaries as respecting and valuing my own self worth.

Being a witch means respecting the cyclical nature of life. Not glamorising “happiness” or “success”, but making space for the shadow side of life and the shadow side of self. Celebrating the ebb as well as the flow.

“People fear what they can’t control. It reminds me of that quote about equality feeling like oppression to those who have always had the upper hand. ” Sollee says. “But we can use it to our advantage by embracing our deviancy in ways that confound those who seek to silence us. Their fear can become our power.”
Kristin J Sollee from, Witches, Sluts, Feminists: Conjuring the Sex Positive

Being a witch means being kind to all things, and all beings, respectful of nature, sentient beings and this world of humans. Most of all it means respecting and being kind to myself. Observing emotions without judgement.

Being a witch means not being afraid of death or change. Seeing the impermanence, death and rebirth in everything that happens all the time and being grateful for it.

Being a witch means being present. Aware of the present moment the present experiences. Not getting hung up on hope for the future or fear that something may not happen or that something may disappear. Being grateful for the joy, being grateful for the blessings of the moment I’m in right now. Learning and growing as each moment passes.

Being a witch means truly manifesting, setting intentions for good, setting the subconscious mind on a path then letting go all expectations. Making peace with an unknown future. Getting really clear on weather my desires are are an external “want” or a subconscious desire. Finding the root of my desires, and not covering my true self with all of that of the material world. Uncovering the truth of ME and releasing myself from the hangups of the world.

Being a witch is loving others, standing up for peace and kindness to all equally. Not afraid of standing out or breaking down the social and patriarchal norms or expectations of society.

Being a witch means feeling empathy, and acknowledging the pain around me, empathically sharing the emotions and pain of those under going hardship or suffering. It means breathing in and sitting with the pain I feel in these situations then breathing out relieve, amazing healing positive energy, both to myself and to those feeling pain.

Not judging myself for my empathic nature and connecting and sitting in the pain I feel. Not judging myself for feeling, caring and hurting when I experience pain myself or see it around me. Feeling grateful and blessed for the range and vastness of the emotional capacity I possess. Allowing space to celebrate this empathy and the way it shapes my mind set actions and striving to be more accepting and gentle with those around me.

Being a witch means breathing in a feeling of hot, dark and heavy – a sense of claustrophobia – and then breathing out a feeling of cool, bright and light – a sense of freshness. Breathing in completely, through all the pores of my body, and breathing out, radiating out, completely, through all the pores of my body. If I am feeling inadequate, down, or judgemental towards myself – breathing that in for me and all others in the same boat. Breathing out and sending out confidence, adequacy and love or relief of any form that comes to me in the moment.

 

What does it mean to you?? Please share xxx

The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The Moon: Sitting in the Dark spaces

The MOON, my my friend the moon. This tarot card keeps popping up or should I say down, off my tarot card wall holder again and again and again then yesterday twice at once! I think it’s come up about 5-8 times for me in my readings, or as I pass through my room and random cards lift off with the breeze and fall to the floor.  It’s always been the moon.  Dear moon, I’m listening now.

Don’t panic.  Face your fears.  Recognise the limits of your perception. Accept being in the dark, for now.  Reach out for guidance and clarity.

For 4-5 days I would wake up with a fog in my head.  A heavy dark feeling that meant, my usual brain chatter felt almost silent.  But not silent in the calm meditative way, but in a sluggish, numb and heavy way.  Driving, it felt like the rain was hitting my face not the windscreen.  The tears rolling down my face as I drove towards the sunset, as it faded behind the horizon in the evening.    

It felt like I wasn’t thinking I was just hurting, I couldn’t pin-point a thought or a single feeling that I could accuse of bringing my normally sunny personality down. I resonate with the Sun- 19 most often.  A feeling of radiance, joy, child-like innocence and gratitude for the tiny gifts around me.  The eternal optimist.  Then in these shadow times I don’t know what to do with myself, the feeling is foreign, uncomfortable and goes against everything I feel wired for.

The Moon journal story through tarot1

The Moon: My story through tarot

A feeling of numbness and hurt.
A feeling of disconnection from my body.
A complete shut-down of my physical self, touch the sexual and emotional
A feeling of tiredness, not giving up but of overwhelm consuming all of me.

Tension everywhere.  Sadness but no root cause for sadness. I wonder out loud to myself, if this is my period announcing its impending arrival. Then check my period app, and see “Still 8 days to go”.  This isn’t my normal gentle hormonal flux which shares an emotional gift of a few tears and vulnerability with me every month.

When I focus on thing the darkness lifts. If I focus on my blessings I’m happy and grateful, if I focus on being a radical, strong queer femme witch the fire that that connects to inside me burns passionately.  But I have to work so hard it seems right now to maintain this, it fades and I return to a tired, numb feeling. Like I haven’t slept for days. Like my eyelids are heavy.  

When the moon shines light in, recognise this isn’t an easy time for clear answers, certain direction or logical planning. Instead you’re being asked to journey through some of the darker shadows of your soul. Have conversation with those shadow parts, that you have been taught to banish because they are not good enough.  Remind yourself these parts are as deserving of love and gentleness as those parts of yourself you are comfortable with showing in full light.

Thinking about the chats, catch ups with my friends and general busyness I’ve engaged in lately. I’m commended for being so together, looking at the world in a beautiful positive light.  I’ve in these moments focused on sharing things positively. I know I can articulate it beautifully, I know how to look at things in a kind, gentle beautiful and healing light.  Getting my physical body and subconscious on the same page seems to be the lesson that this moon is here to teach me. I know I can – after deciding I just couldn’t this morning, I somehow mustered the energy actually pushing myself to get up, and at least look like I’m existing in this world the way I’m expected to.

It feels like I’d run out of happy, like I’d run out of joy.  I’ve meditation twice a week now with beautiful groups of people. The combined energy of self care, growth through calming the mind I absorb.  The healing empath in me feeds off of it, giving out mine and feeling grateful, vulnerable in the space to heal and soak up the love all around me. A quiet moment I can disconnect with my head, leave the darkness behind, focus on the flickering candle light, the sound of deep OM. Calming my mind, slowing down my crazy internal chatter – the “thoughts” that come and go, not buying into each rabbit hole that presents itself. To focus on my spiritual journey, learning about myself and ways to manage this roller coaster. Focusing on really trying to be kind to myself, letting go feelings of judgement or negativity or any kind of feeling that my darkness is a bad thing.  

More than anything loving, acknowledging and letting go all my negative, harmful feelings attached to the past.  The past is the past, there is no point in re-living it, torturing myself, but instead letting it be, loving the beautiful past, the exciting memories, that amount I’ve grown, the love I’ve shared and experience and enjoyed so fully and completely. I can’t bring the past with me, I can’t make it come back, I can’t live in that moment over again.  I can’t hold so desperately to the future fearing that I won’t turn out the way I desire.  I can’t live feeling that level of fear, hurt or desperation.  So I let go, I move on, and this time I really feel that shedding, and releasing.  Not completely, as this will take practice and my subconscious will need much reminding, but it feels like I have a point of reference, I know it is good for me, and the weight of fog, darkness and heaviness has been experienced, listened-to and respected for the gift, the lesson I needed to learn.

We’re often in shock, after a traumatic rejection, and so may not be conscious of the full extent of the hurt. And the tendency towards denial is strong.  I find, in fact, that many rejections are like icebergs: small on the surface, but much larger underneath.  I would therefore err on the side of caution and assume I’m hurting worse – and need more healing – than I may realise.  If you need to a big cry, a period of darkness, a sulk: take it, you’re not hurting anyone. – Not Just Lucky by Jamila Rizvi

In my head I know that pain is growth, it is the doorway to change, new direction and new life.  Without a forest fire how does the bush regenerate? Without devastation, how is the heart ready for new, change and growth?!  Going through this process is overwhelming and having regular times where I sit to stop and calm my mind has been the most healing thing I’ve done for my own self care.  During this session, focusing but not really focusing this one thing hit me.  Now I know it on a practical level, and if asked about my journey I’d have said it without thinking about the depth of it.  Those moments where something you know becomes something you can feel, that connects deeply with the experiences you’re having at that moment is magickal. I don’t think I’ve had one that has smacked me in the face quite so much as this.

From the gorgeous kind druid energy in my life, I’ve gotten to know the Rune that aligns with the Moon Tarot card- Algiz.  This extra dynamic has highlighted the parallel journey I’m experiencing in reclaiming and re-valuing my own gifts of sunshine, and warmth.  Acknowledging people enjoy my company because they leave feeling lifted and energised and the effect / toll/ emotional cost that has on me in sharing it. That I enjoy this giving, and sharing but I need to be more mindful of it’s value, and the effort it takes for me to recharge my own energy in myself after.

Algiz speaks of the more mature aspects of temperance and wisdom. Algiz may be attempting to get you to understand that there are others who are using your energies because you are allowing it to happen. Many followers of the Runes wear Algiz as a protection from the negative forces of the outer world.

algiz-rune

Algiz Rune

Algiz carries a warning – if you find yourself experiencing a period of difficulty which is painful, be honest and stick with the experience. As you work through the issue, look around and evaluate what your part in creating the discomfort truly is. Are you shooting yourself in the foot without realising it? Watch for new interests, but use your good judgment when pursuing them. Allow yourself to experience the lesson Algiz offers – your future beckons! More info here

I love the Moon, I can feel it’s energy and pull at full and new moons. Being a sun child, a summer baby, a Sunshine Goddess, I’m appreciating the moon in a whole new way as the cyclical shadow side, the growth, the letting go of the past.  Embracing the new change, stopping to get in touch with the deep feelings, the hurt, and things I am most afraid of.  Pushing to experience my deepest growth and change through facing my fears and confusion. Slowing down, metering my “busyness” with time to stop and feel. Paying attention to my intuition, when it tells me to slow down, listen to the seasons and the flux of the changing cycles.

xxxx
Flossy

Telling Queer Stories: Heavy Brain Poem

Telling Queer Stories: Heavy Brain Poem

Do you ever feel as though your brain is heavy?

Like it could just knock your whole head off and make you unsteady.

Do you ever hear the cry of the Wolf deep wither your ear canal?

Howling the the breeze of the unsteady heavy brain.

Do you ever drift off mid conversation?

Oi, Oi! Are you listening to what I’m saying?

Lights on no one home, heavy brain wolf in your ear.

Have you ever felt the depths of depression

In so deep you can’t cope with the pressure

Dark days even darker nights

Cloudy mind heavy brain

Just wanna dance in the rain

To no prevail you try to get up

Even if it’s for just one cup.

For me I take a moment in time

Not the type to wine and dine

My soul is to heal from its own inner hell

A world of turmoil sunk deep in a spell

Tortured and abused my body weeps

A temple they say… I need a beach

Oceans of salt wash away the hate

Self love self care walked out the gate.

Filling my mind with various poisons

Only to wake back in a state

To heavy to breath

To unsteady to stand I go bury my head deep in the sand

Sex, drugs, dancing on tables

No wonder I felt so unstable.

Serotonin so depleted from years of addiction

Where on earth do I start to fix it?

Stop drinking stop smoking put down that pill

Easy to say goes against my will

Smokey haze drunken summer days

Addicted minds come out to play

Why would I want it any other way

Has been my life to this very day

Try to stop the doc will say

Mind takes over the bottle stays

Take this pill it will make you sick

Even if you have just one sip

Purple haze brains seen better days

Now it is time to clean out the closet

Change my ways of sinking to the bottom

Whoops once again the bottle is empty

Why on earth can’t I stop this cycle so tempting

Self medicating the years away

Not knowing to this very day

Drunken stupor why was I so stupid

How did I not see I was battling PTSD.

Years of torment inflicted on oneself

Blowing my brain to pieces

Now it is time to recreate the jigsaw

Begin a new life it is official

Have u ever heard your own inner battle

Loud n clear in your own head

Be free of thought, mindless unwind

Do u ever hear voices inside?

I’m telling you now with time and trust you can quiet your mind….