I am tired my brain is tired, my body is tired of emotionally processing. I’ve had a really busy few weeks, with my best friend coming to visit from Melbourne, doing a million activities then feeling the sadness of her leaving. That remembrance that you left your best friend behind to move half way around the world and how much that felt like a break up. It feels easier to see her then have her leave. In Paris it was really hard and awkward, with my financial tension I experienced and jet lag, and dancing emotions. It was really tough. Now I’m more settled in Canada. I feel at home here but unsettled because I haven’t yet organised my PR visa, and procrastinating on it is giving me anxiety. I have my test soon and I finally emailed a immigration consultant to help me. This feels good, but I’m nervous. I’m nervous and unsettled about all the changes going on in my life. I have my house back, my van is healthier, and getting taken care of slowly.. that feels really good. I have plans for the next bit of building I want to do on the vehicle. I feel like I have the money available to me to be able to do it all. I’m getting support from new mechanics and slowly stepping away from the toxic relationship with Jack the backyard mechanic.. I need space and to leave behind the stress, and the anxiety that was sitting with me when my van was off the road for 5 weeks sitting in pieces in his driveway. It terrified me that something would go wrong that I’d have done all this for nothing. The further I continue the easier it gets and the smaller bites the project becomes. I need to remind myself of this, continue to be grateful that I’ve had access to affordable help, to people who know what they’re doing, that I’ve spend the last year getting it in order and now it is truely liveable and much more sound in the engine. I’ve more to do, but slowly, slowly it is all worth it.
Emotionally I’ve been learning and processing so darn much. I’ve been learning a million things about emotional and relationship narcissism and codependency, I feel like I’ve been working through my own shame and guilt round my past behaviours in relationships. I feel like I’ve really been the narcissist taking advantage of a person and I feel like I’ve also been the co-dependent always trying to please, always walking on egg shells. At the time unaware of how driven by emotional experiences or emotional repression that I experienced as a kid. The feelings of abandonment or that I wasn’t worthy enough for love, quality time or being taken seriously / listened to have haunted me so much since then. I have worked through remembering what those unhappy or weirdly alone moments of my childhood felt like or what happened and why, then how I dealt with it. The thing that is so beautiful out of it all, is that it became more and more obvious why I really like the forest, why being in trees feels safe and calming. How when I was sad, feeling abandoned or sad I would always go outside into the tree or tree houses we’d built and felt protected there. I thing this is why my affinity and belief that tree and fairies exist because of the calm creatures and the knowledge of a supernatural presence around me who I could talk to and be listened to. Now as an adult I love the bush the small noises, the animals and the feeling of rejuvenation and healing that comes from it.
I’ve just written two paragraphs about everything except about how I feel about dating or falling in love again. I want to fall in love, I want intimacy and love and connection, yet half of my brain had settled into a happy equilibrium of being alone, knowing I could go where ever I wanted, and do what ever I wanted at any time. The feeling of knowing that my emotional state of mind is steady and pretty even, not spiked or worried by anything. Now I feel out of control. That is what it is, I feel out of control of my feelings. I don’t know what is happening right now, except that it is exciting, overwhelming and really really sweet. Working through believing this is real, working through believing that I do actually deserve love and the attentions of someone who wants to be with me. It feels like it is all moving really fast and my scared, fearful self wants to put the breaks on because I am not in control. Realistically being in control is the problem, the world is always changing around me. I worked through this with the uncertainty of my van repairs. I was out of control of how incredibly slowly things were happening so I threw myself headfirst into everything else. Letting go that feeling of panic, worry and needing to know when it would be finished. It didn’t always work and I didn’t always have a good night’s sleep but it helped.
So how do I do that with my heart. I’ve met a lovely woman who is gentle, caring and longing for intimacy and a relationship space that is a safe space to share emotions and be seen. As I write that – this description sounds like me and I feel sad, and overwhelmed. I don’t know why. Why am I afraid, why am I sad. I know my body is tired, it’s almost my moon cycle, and it a way letting go and seeing what this connection might lead to is sort of a good bye to the previous chapter of my life. I’m leaving behind what I’ve mourned, taking what I’ve learned and edging into a new experience. I can’t be melancholic over my past any more, I have already started practicing this, by reframing every horrible experience as a way to be grateful for things I’ve learned or thankful for having experienced the intensity of a past emotion. Leaving my fear behind would mean letting go and allowing myself to be loved. My fear of abandonment is very strong. Being rejected, discarded or not important enough to be noticed. My subconscious finds ways of seeing this pattern again and again in my life repeating that feeling I had as a kid. Now I want to reframe that abandonment feeling so my subconscious will stop trying to sabotage me. I want to move forward and I cannot do that if I’m aways running away from things that scare me or not being “in the arena” taking a risk. I have skin in the game now. This is what it feels like to be scared and tired, coming off what feels like the biggest vulnerability hangover ever. I feel like I’m recovering from not having my house, all of that uncertainty and simultaneously feeling terrified at the emotional magic carpet ride of learning to unlock my heart.
So now that I’ve taken time to write down my fear voice, to hear it, to see where that pain and anxiety is coming from, I want to try to give my gratitude and excitement a voice and space to share so I don’t get lost in melancholic feelings. I am excited that I am now mobile, my adventures this weekend and waiting for the relaxation and excitement that will come from that. I am excited to be making progress this month with my residency application to Canada. I started dating again! I deleted an app that wasn’t working for me, cleaned up my emotional responsibilities to myself and put my “house in order”. I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to learn more about myself and my past so that I’m showing up now feeling more aware and more responsible for how I act and how my life, my words and the way I love effects others. I’m glad I learned so much from all my past relationships, especially the last one. The amazingly good times, and the shittiest of shit. I am grateful. I am grateful that I have stood up for myself keeping my life simple, not messaging a million people, not dating lots of people. Keeping my heart focused on things that are simple, not complicated and don’t require any splitting, detachment or disassociation. I am happy, and excited about the dates I have gone on with this person, and how I feel round her. I am grateful that I know how my behaviours need checking so that I don’t jump to conclusions or assumptions before I’m even in a situation. I’m grateful that I have the amazing support of my friends who have talked me through the things I’ve worried about going into this, their encouragement to stay open, to stay willing to experience what ever it is that might happen. Grateful that I have the opportunity to love, to open my heart, to learn vulnerability again instead of just talking about it or working through it myself. Some how, the first person to reply to my messages on the first day I joined a new online dating thing who was also new to it. Somehow she comes over to go on a date with me, and turns out to be an incredible person. She know what she wants, she knows the kind of relationship she craves. She craves intimacy and communication, the same as I do, the touch that says a thousand word from a person who just simply cares about you.
I pinch myself, how is this possible, how did this happen so fast and is it really true.
This is really my critic speaking. I’ve spent the last 2 years learning and preparing for this moment, I’ve been wishing, talking about and manifesting this energy in my life. So many false starts testing my commitment to what I’ve really asked for. This is what I wanted and how disrespectful am I, if the moment it is presented to me, I shun it saying, “oh but I’m not ready yet”. Maybe I am not but if one was always waiting to be ready that day would never come. Being not ready means being in it, being open to failure being open to hurt or vulnerability – which by the same token is love. So here I am not ready and doing it anyway.
The fear of abandonment I feel is behind my uncomfortableness with polyamory. I respect it and deeply value the poly relationships that I’ve had that have taught me so much about myself. I want my person, I want that uniqueness of feeling wanted and needed by them. I know this is part of my childhood patterning trying to replace the feeling and soon the need that was not fulfilled as a kid. The books I have read talk about forgiveness and I like this thought thinking of it in a way that works through that trauma. Forgiving myself for hiding, and repressing my emotions, forgiveness of my parents who did what they could to support me, that did love me, and were also working through their own childhood patterning. The may not have been there when I needed their support but I was able to survive on my own. I am now able to speak for when I have needs and have them met. My parents did support me financially to do the things I loved. They had three kids so attending all of the events was hard, and just because they chose my brother and sister doesn’t mean they didn’t love me any less. Forgiving myself for being scared, forgiving myself for thinking I’m not worth it, for devaluing myself, for being my own worst enemy. Now I am more aware I know that part of me that is the protector and I know the part of me that is the adventurer, and I will listen to both. I want to allow this to happen, for love to come into my life, so here I am – nervous and scared but in the game.
I am going on a third date, and it will be really wonderful.
I am excited about it.
I am excited about getting to know this beautiful human.
I am excited about meeting someone who wants to love me.
I am excited about learning to love, respect and have this person in my life.
I am excited about loving myself and being kind to myself as my inner child processes this new chapter in my life.