Talk to yourself like you talk to those you love: Fear has no volume control.

Talk to yourself like you talk to those you love: Fear has no volume control.

Fear doesn’t have a volume control – any time you try something new it thinks you will wind up dead. Stop and think about the times fear has saved your life, and then think of the time where fear doesn’t have perspective or the big picture that you have in your consciousness. Fear and creativity will always be linked. Remember the opposite of depression is vitality. There is enough within me that I inspire myself, that my sense of adventure or curiosity can thank my fear for highlighting the risks and encourage myself to make a decisions that move me forward, even just slightly joyfully.

I’ve been wanting to write about this for quite a while. Becoming a photographer, calling myself an artist has almost literally come out of nowhere. In looking back on my life so far, I see all the experiences I’ve had that have taught me the background to what I know. I’m not here by accident, I’m not doing this work because I am unqualified. This is my passion purpose for now, and I will continue to evolve with it as it also evolves, as is the impermanent nature of life. This is my story of gratitude.

I was in the shower when the conceptual idea of creating my photographic Queer Tarot Cards. I’m not the only one who’s had this idea either but I’m excited that I have opportunity to express my iteration of this inspiration. So when my inspiration came to me, in a skin tingling moment of clarity it lit a fire under my butt like I hadn’t felt in ages. I feel calm and clear headed in the shower, a place where nothing else seems to matter past the warmth and water on my skin.

I believe in magickal spirit beings, and to me inspiration is the personification of exactly that. That mischievous sprite flys with the wind, getting carried with swirls and turns to the east and west. In all it’s travels it is looking for a way to become realised, to be transported from the spirit realm into the human realm, and I believe this is not just a one way journey. Sometimes we wake up in the morning and think “OOOOHhhhh I’ve had this marvelous idea, or oh what an amazing dream.” If we do not capture that, weather it be writing it down or taking action to realise that idea, it can and will leave, float away, drift off to another being to be realised. Have you ever heard stories about someone saying “Oh that was MY idea” or “I was going to write that book?” Do you think this is a coincidence. They did indeed have that idea, and maybe they didn’t give it their due diligence, love, attention or action it was looking for. I think an idea or inspiration can also be realised be several people. Maybe that wind of creativity blows through me, I feel it’s magick and bring that idea to life. But I have no ownership of it, I can’t keep it, or lock it up. In fact trying to do just that is a sure fire way of killing that inspiration.

So with that context – I have a contract with my creative work. I have a duty, and wonderful purpose to bring it to life. Right now it is my Queer Tarot project, in future it might be something new and different. My creativity inspires maintains and energises me, and will for the rest of my life. I will feel like a successful photographer, writer, creator and artist, before and after you guys call me a successful one. I am authentically honouring the gift of inspiration that has visited me, as well as expressing my soul through the creative process.

All my art is part of my journey taking me to the next level, and I don’t even know what that level is yet. There is nothing more successful than the person who is confident enough to be stupid, to take risks and put themselves out there. This is where the uncertainty of change comes in. I have been living in a life of constant change and uncertainty for the last 6 months, traveling, working for myself, and stripping my life of all the unnecessary fluff. Now I have just started a job here in Vancouver. My fear has wonderfully piped up and warned me of getting stuck, observing that I now have an hour and a half commute that is “wasted time, scaring me with the idea of losing my vitality and creative energy. I’m writing this letter in part to you, but predominantly to myself, to thank my fear, to hold space it for highlighting to me the things I now can be aware of taking action and making change in those areas. Yes, a 3 hour round trip commute feels like an absolute drag, but I’ve found podcasts I can listen to which light me up, I have laughed, smiled, and almost cried with the joy of listening, learning and exciting my mind. One of the podcasts Elizabeth Gilbert talked to a girl who described herself as having the most boring job in the world. Yes she did exactly the same thing every day, and I am grateful I am not in that position. I have creativity and variety in what I do, that I really enjoy. The thing I really took away is the highlight that nothing is ever static, there is energy all around, and especially in frustration there is much power to create the inertia for change or creativity.

My contract with my creative inspiration currently means I have to make my Queer Tarot project happen, to give up myself, or to give myself over to the call to create. Right now I am choosing the trade off of working and creating simultaneously so I can travel to meet and work with more people globally and create magick with them in 6 month time. What happens after that I don’t know, and I am happy to let that just sit. And I know that my inspiration owes me nothing, following it doesn’t guarantee success, it just offers me the transcendence of working with it at all. The dance that doesn’t include my ego, just the pure gratitude of showing up and actively participating in my own experience.

I feel an entitlement at my inner heart level. The joy and arrogance of belonging, of calling myself and artist or a photographer and owning it. I am, I am here, I have desires, I have voice, I have a statement to make and oh so much pleasure to pursue. I’m here to celebrate this particular magick of creation in my life. This is my curiosity, I am alive enough to see what that is. Today, this month, maybe this year, maybe even next year, Queer Tarot is my creative gift, my inspiration, the creative thing that consumes me. The only unique contribution we will make in the world is the gift of creativity. Creativity in whatever way I end up expressing it, is how I share my soul with the world.

As I write this, my fear crops up again. Am I sounding like a overly optimistic rose tinted dreamer writing all this. Then I think to the times when I’ve been told to “come back down to earth” or that my voice wasn’t worth hearing, or that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. These wounds I am healing in myself with a ruthless dedication to following my curiosity. Expressing my creativity. You know, it might not work every time, it won’t always see the light of day, I make and create far more than I share or I publish. But everything I do I am proud of, they contain a little of me, and little of that magickal gift of inspiration that I am so blessed and grateful to have been blessed with.

I am happy. I self generate my own happiness, and I am energised by following my creative curiosity. I wish sometimes to date, but getting past my fear of losing myself in a relationship is another story for another day. Thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me, for allowing me to be heard. Pen-pals, please write back to me, I would love to hear about your journey with fear and curiosity / creativity. If you want more, the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert is an amazing place to start.

Love xxx


A love letter to myself

It’s not because of me.

It’s now about me looking after myself. Putting myself first. It’s not about values for me. It’s about not wanting to be in a relationship where I’ve no idea what’s going on for my partner.  A partner who won’t or can’t share with me.

I live in my body.
I feel with every fiber of my being.
I break down I communicate.
I am vulnerable and open
I share how I feel to learn and communicate with my partner.
I will not my myself small or less to accommodate someone else.
I will be my authentic self even if that is larger than life
I wear my heart on my sleeve and there’s something beautiful about that.

I might have repeated my patterns about running away from things that scare me. But I can re frame that. I practice active self care. I will not slip back into dishonesty patterns because I know I am stronger than that. I will will honour my values and stand by them. I will keep being faithful to my journey but emotional and spiritual.  I am magnificent and a magical delicate flower. I don’t want to become tough or hardened.

It isn’t my fault if someone else is repressive.  This is a pattern of her behavior in many situations.  This time it was just something about me or the relationship she couldn’t handle or process.  This doesn’t mean I should change or become less. I must grieve what is lost and honour the truth that I wouldn’t have been happy long term repressing myself because someone else can’t accept all of me. Or because someone else cannot be open to communicate be open, support and work together with me.

If we could communicate and be vulnerable I believe we could work through anything any everything.  But that is outside of my control.  I can change someone or make them able to share and be vulnerable with how they feel. And nor do I want to do that.

Sometimes the thought of being open to someone new and going through the process of learning about each other is too much.  I’m scared hurting and don’t want to go through all this again.  But I can check this thinking how amazing it has been to love wholeheartedly. To commit myself to someone.  Not to hold anything back and feel like it was a beautiful thing even if only for a short time. That is a blessing. A friend I love and trust and hold dear that is precious.  But I can’t let her hurt my heart by withdrawing and repressing her feelings from me. That would never work for me.

I am strong
I am stable
I am grounded
I consider the risks
I plan before I do things
I am funny and can make people laugh
I am good at what I do
People respect me
I am have a desirable skill set
I am incredibly smart
I am worth it

I will not devalue myself or my worth


Well behaved women rarely make history

Well behaved women rarely make history

Throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage. And so she decided to start living the way she’d imagined.

As someone who loves a woman who takes on opposition, the “never been done  before” and other crazy thoughts. Im really proud to have worked along side and with Julia Gillard. She can speak to a crowd flawlessly with a few moment prep, she’s human and relatable, she’s confident and hell she’s the first female prime minister Australia has had and did a pretty good job of it!

Seasonal Defective Disorder or Winter Blues part 6

BRING ON SUMMER TIME!!  June, July and August in the Southern hemisphere are the crux of winter, often cold and wet in the more tropical countries and of course the days are shorter and darker and less sunny.

In many species, activity is diminished during the winter months in response to the reduction in available food and the difficulties of surviving in cold weather. Hibernation is an extreme example, but even species that do not hibernate often exhibit changes in behavior during the winter. It has been argued that SDD is an evolved adaptation in humans that is a variant or remnant of a hibernation response in some remote ancestor…  Yes I may have been hiding under my warm wee rock, but its cosy and safe.  I’ll surface soon

If you do find yourself with the winter blues, here are a few tips that have really helped me in the past month. Transitioning in two months from 37 degrees through to 3 degrees has been a little draining and daunting to lil  ole me who takes a bit to get acclimatized!

Here is no 6 of my easy and super fun things to try out that I’ve LOVED and all my pictures to go with it!

If your not happy – Do something about it

I was having lunch with a new friend this week, sitting looking out on to Brunswick Street talking about life. Otherwise known as randomly talking shit while people watching and indulging in delicious foods!  Fun.  Half  way through the conversation she caught me off guard saying “you seem like a real go-getter”.

I’ve never thought of myself like this, probably because I know how hard it is to motivate myself some days and one can talk all one likes and still struggle to get there.  However your go-getter-ness is all subjective I think, having contemplated it a little more.   It depends on who you surround yourself with and where you want to be or achieve in a certain time period.

I’d say I’m pretty determined to “Be that Someone” and I do have my 2-5-10 year goals all set out. (Which need re-visiting actually) However since coming to Melbourne I’ve really worked hard to surround myself with other high achievers.

Sometimes its AWESOME and motivating to get at it, but sometimes its depressing seeing everyone doing so well, and not think – “Why aren’t I doing that tooooo?”

(Can you hear in your head that silly whiny voice too?)   This is what I try to tell myself!


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