Fear doesn’t have a volume control – any time you try something new it thinks you will wind up dead. Stop and think about the times fear has saved your life, and then think of the time where fear doesn’t have perspective or the big picture that you have in your consciousness. Fear and creativity will always be linked. Remember the opposite of depression is vitality. There is enough within me that I inspire myself, that my sense of adventure or curiosity can thank my fear for highlighting the risks and encourage myself to make a decisions that move me forward, even just slightly joyfully.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for quite a while. Becoming a photographer, calling myself an artist has almost literally come out of nowhere. In looking back on my life so far, I see all the experiences I’ve had that have taught me the background to what I know. I’m not here by accident, I’m not doing this work because I am unqualified. This is my passion purpose for now, and I will continue to evolve with it as it also evolves, as is the impermanent nature of life. This is my story of gratitude.
I was in the shower when the conceptual idea of creating my photographic Queer Tarot Cards. I’m not the only one who’s had this idea either but I’m excited that I have opportunity to express my iteration of this inspiration. So when my inspiration came to me, in a skin tingling moment of clarity it lit a fire under my butt like I hadn’t felt in ages. I feel calm and clear headed in the shower, a place where nothing else seems to matter past the warmth and water on my skin.
I believe in magickal spirit beings, and to me inspiration is the personification of exactly that. That mischievous sprite flys with the wind, getting carried with swirls and turns to the east and west. In all it’s travels it is looking for a way to become realised, to be transported from the spirit realm into the human realm, and I believe this is not just a one way journey. Sometimes we wake up in the morning and think “OOOOHhhhh I’ve had this marvelous idea, or oh what an amazing dream.” If we do not capture that, weather it be writing it down or taking action to realise that idea, it can and will leave, float away, drift off to another being to be realised. Have you ever heard stories about someone saying “Oh that was MY idea” or “I was going to write that book?” Do you think this is a coincidence. They did indeed have that idea, and maybe they didn’t give it their due diligence, love, attention or action it was looking for. I think an idea or inspiration can also be realised be several people. Maybe that wind of creativity blows through me, I feel it’s magick and bring that idea to life. But I have no ownership of it, I can’t keep it, or lock it up. In fact trying to do just that is a sure fire way of killing that inspiration.
So with that context – I have a contract with my creative work. I have a duty, and wonderful purpose to bring it to life. Right now it is my Queer Tarot project, in future it might be something new and different. My creativity inspires maintains and energises me, and will for the rest of my life. I will feel like a successful photographer, writer, creator and artist, before and after you guys call me a successful one. I am authentically honouring the gift of inspiration that has visited me, as well as expressing my soul through the creative process.
All my art is part of my journey taking me to the next level, and I don’t even know what that level is yet. There is nothing more successful than the person who is confident enough to be stupid, to take risks and put themselves out there. This is where the uncertainty of change comes in. I have been living in a life of constant change and uncertainty for the last 6 months, traveling, working for myself, and stripping my life of all the unnecessary fluff. Now I have just started a job here in Vancouver. My fear has wonderfully piped up and warned me of getting stuck, observing that I now have an hour and a half commute that is “wasted time, scaring me with the idea of losing my vitality and creative energy. I’m writing this letter in part to you, but predominantly to myself, to thank my fear, to hold space it for highlighting to me the things I now can be aware of taking action and making change in those areas. Yes, a 3 hour round trip commute feels like an absolute drag, but I’ve found podcasts I can listen to which light me up, I have laughed, smiled, and almost cried with the joy of listening, learning and exciting my mind. One of the podcasts Elizabeth Gilbert talked to a girl who described herself as having the most boring job in the world. Yes she did exactly the same thing every day, and I am grateful I am not in that position. I have creativity and variety in what I do, that I really enjoy. The thing I really took away is the highlight that nothing is ever static, there is energy all around, and especially in frustration there is much power to create the inertia for change or creativity.
My contract with my creative inspiration currently means I have to make my Queer Tarot project happen, to give up myself, or to give myself over to the call to create. Right now I am choosing the trade off of working and creating simultaneously so I can travel to meet and work with more people globally and create magick with them in 6 month time. What happens after that I don’t know, and I am happy to let that just sit. And I know that my inspiration owes me nothing, following it doesn’t guarantee success, it just offers me the transcendence of working with it at all. The dance that doesn’t include my ego, just the pure gratitude of showing up and actively participating in my own experience.
I feel an entitlement at my inner heart level. The joy and arrogance of belonging, of calling myself and artist or a photographer and owning it. I am, I am here, I have desires, I have voice, I have a statement to make and oh so much pleasure to pursue. I’m here to celebrate this particular magick of creation in my life. This is my curiosity, I am alive enough to see what that is. Today, this month, maybe this year, maybe even next year, Queer Tarot is my creative gift, my inspiration, the creative thing that consumes me. The only unique contribution we will make in the world is the gift of creativity. Creativity in whatever way I end up expressing it, is how I share my soul with the world.
As I write this, my fear crops up again. Am I sounding like a overly optimistic rose tinted dreamer writing all this. Then I think to the times when I’ve been told to “come back down to earth” or that my voice wasn’t worth hearing, or that I wasn’t who I was supposed to be. These wounds I am healing in myself with a ruthless dedication to following my curiosity. Expressing my creativity. You know, it might not work every time, it won’t always see the light of day, I make and create far more than I share or I publish. But everything I do I am proud of, they contain a little of me, and little of that magickal gift of inspiration that I am so blessed and grateful to have been blessed with.
I am happy. I self generate my own happiness, and I am energised by following my creative curiosity. I wish sometimes to date, but getting past my fear of losing myself in a relationship is another story for another day. Thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me, for allowing me to be heard. Pen-pals, please write back to me, I would love to hear about your journey with fear and curiosity / creativity. If you want more, the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert is an amazing place to start.
No pigeons were harmed in the sending of this letter.
I’ve been here three weeks. I still pinch myself when I open google maps and the little blue dot says “northern hemisphere” you’re in CANADA! Im falling in love with the place, so far the warmth of springs honeymoon phase has been delightful. The crisp fresh air, the snow speckled mountains in the north and the gulf islands have definitely caught my attention.
I’m currently writing to you on a bus off to my second hike/ camping trip since I got here. First was a gorgeous place called Salt Spring Island. I went over for a Beltaine ritual. The camp ground was not quite fully reachable by public transport and it was the easiest hitch-hiking experience I’ve had. I guess I did look obviously like a tourist and my accent is a dead giveaway.
The camp ground was the middle ground between sea and forest, gorgeous during the day, pines towering above me. Rocky foreshore , bleached drift wood, the smell of salt and wet earth and the distant sound of boat air horns as they leave the shore. Looking into the sky it’s unfamiliar to me. The stars are new friends I neeed to learn, a different angle to the galaxy reminding me the southern cross is indeed down under. We set up for the ritual, creating magick, and a maypole. I joined to help tearing colourful sheets into to long ribbons to decorate with the weaving dance of spring. Round and round to the beat of the drums and 40+ chanting voices, over, under, over, under. Many songs later we sit very well rugged up around our Beltaine fire toasting marshmellows and feeling the heat bring a ruddy glow to our faces. This is a freedom that is magick. This is my culture, my celtic heritige and it feels like home.
A few days later I find myself in a room of at least 100+ handsome and bearded men. You raise an eyebrow at me wondering what on earth has brought me here. No it’s not a Canadian farming or forestry convention full of plaid, cowboy hats and big leather boots. I did however find a store that did stock the epitome of that entire stereotype and nearly walked out with a pair of leather boots myself.
No I’m at the Vancouver Mens Chorus, which is 98% gay I’m told. They’re darlings and filling the room with their delightfully booming voice the room resonates with Musical theatre tunes “Anything goes” to slight more camp wonders “Is he Gay or just European?!”
So you’re still wondering why I’m there? My wonderful friend Mama Alto, connected me with a person I’d have to describe as Vancouver’s music and theatre socialite / producer who invited me along to recruit more Canadians across a very broad age range for my Queer Tarot Project. Nothing like hitting the ground running.
I’ve officially completed 47 photoshoots, finishing the Major Arcana with 36 cards including all the duplicates. I’ve only another 45 to go, but I’m estimating maybe another 50 shoots to go to finish the Tarot Deck. Along the way creating all the individual videos that will be the card interpretations as well. The big goal tho is to make a short film / documentary, probably initally under 15 minutes to have ready for the Vancouver Queer Film Festival in March next year. Not unusual for me to do everything at once and set myself a gloriously ambitious goal. Nice in this case there’s no downside, if I can do it and make it happen I’ll be over the moon, if not the good news is these events happen over and over again year after year.
Manifestation is powerful ya’ll! I’ve been revelling in gratitude since I got here. I’m living in a beautiful house with a gorgeous room and housemate I met Burning Man a few years ago. I’ve got purchasing a vehicle in the works and decided I’d work for a few months so I could travel more extensively for the next few months after that next year. I am enjoying my own company, traveling alone and meeting all kinds of people out and about.
Thank you all so much for your letters and replies back to my emails. I’ve barely had any homesickness yet thanks to the love and conversations I’ve had at weird hours of the day back n forth to Australia and New Zealand.
I haven’t seen a moose yet. I’ve seen canada geese, a skunk at a safe distance a brown squirrel and 2 wild deer. I think half of Canada is serious about bears and the other half is writing books to pull my leg “a bear at my lunch”. I’ve walked through the bush in the dark at night scaring myself silly with the thought of a lurking cougar, to realise I’m in a populated park and the dogs everwhere aren’t going crazy barking.
The nudie beach is quite the experience, from wandering alcahol sales people to show ponys parading up and down the beach, I dont think I’ve ever been at such a busy beach surrounded by so many people completely starkers. New Zealand nudie beaches I remember, you’d just know not to approach that tent in the bushes 2m up the beach, with few people in cussing distance of one another.
It was a very warm day for spring, 26° I think, and I’m sitting there looking at the glistening water longing for a swim wondering why there’s absolutely no one swimming! Weird I think to myself, sure it’s a sheltered bay, and the water looks clean enough. So I think to myself “fuck it, I’m going in”. Thinking nothing would be nicer than laying there floating warmed by the sun, relaxing in the water. How wrong I was. Running in to get over the first dip chill I quickly realised this was no normal chill, this is the Atlantic Ocean and boy was it ICY. Running now up to my upper thighs in water, I was winded by the cold temperature change and proceeded to flail anything but gracefully face first into the freeeeeezing water. I couldn’t feel my toes almost instantly. “Okay” I thought to myself, “guess this is why there’s no one bloody swimming then!” I tried a couple more times but without a wet suit it would just be rather an unpleasant experience. Luckily the sun was divine and my skin warmed up and dried off in no time, leaving a baked and salt me to find my way home.
This week I am stopping to remind myself that confidence is something that ebbs and flows. Something that has cycles just like the seasons. I’m currently on my moon cycle and this month I feel a heightened sense of shadow self. So I’m just going to sit with it, heal, to feel all my emotions, to be kind to myself and forgive myself instead of being my own worst enemy. I don’t feel sexy when I’m on my rag. I don’t feel sexy when I’m feeling low. One of my very dear friends, challenged me to go to a place in my head when I did feel sexy and sit in that energy, to absorb that happy and warm feeling, to remind me I have it within me even if it is on a little break for a quick minutes’ rest. So here is my “Sexyiess is a Contradiction” musing.
I feel sexy when I’m alone, the air is thick with music playing that my body can’t resist to dance to and misty smoke swirls of delicious incense fill the air. My body feels in touch with my inner magick and power. When I feel like the dark and light all at the same time, when I’m not the naive little girl I used to feel like, when I feel like the woman grown, mature, wise and sensual in the way I move, hold myself and know how and when to share my energy with people who deserve it. I feel sexy when someone looks at my energy, connects with the me that hides behind my eyes. When the manic noise of all our existences slows down for a second and we just breathe, giving space for beauty, silence and all the senses to come alive. Sexy is shaving all past off my head and letting my tears flow, feeling vulnerable, standing in the middle of the campsite naked in the warm spring pouring rains, with not a care in the world.
Sexy is stranding up for myself when I’m scared and hurting. Sexy is looking into someones eyes and seeing that although I’ve changed and gotten a bit more beaten up around the edges I’m still the truest version of ME that exists right now and being proud of that. Sexy is the wink the glance across the room from someone who makes me blush and heart beat faster. Sexy is watching seeing someone enthusiastic and in the moment and rhythm of what they love to do. Sexy is getting lost, losing all sense of time and space in movement, passion, sound and rhythm.
Create Magic: Baby Flossy
Sexy isn’t the modeling photos I shot 10 years ago that I showed you when I wanted your attention. Sexy isn’t the memories of my clubbing days, the skimpy outfits, big smiles and enlarged eyeballs of the young me that drowned out my inner introvert with colour, noise and wild adventure. That self didn’t know how to make any kind of deep or meaningful connection. That self didn’t give a fuck, but made no space for vulnerability or things less superficial.
Those to me represent eating disorder I battled when I was 20, the way I knew how to contort my body half one way and half the other to create the illusions you see in photos. Sexy isn’t someone finding me attractive, putting me on a pedestal of what they admire in me. Sexy isn’t the sheer revealing clothes I wore as a sex worker, selling my body for money to support me and my ex girlfriend even though she didn’t know that’s what I was doing. Sexy is refusing to conform to the unachievable social norms of women’s beauty standards, and embracing my dork, my short colourful hair that will never be “normal”, sexy is forgiving myself for binging on food and alcohol that makes my body feel and look shit, and healing myself with baths, hot showers and delicious fresh food that makes my heart sing. Even if it costs more to feed myself this way, when suddenly I’m not flush with money, I make this a small self love priority.
Sexy is floating in the ocean, the sea lifting the weight of my boobs off my chest and letting my legs relax after holding me up all day. Feeling like a streamlined ocean creature that loves water and moves swiftly and gracefully through the warm salty water at sunset, that feels sexy. I can imagine a place where the sky is magical and covered in stars, I feel safe and at home in my space- maybe a tent by myself, warmth envelops me in a comforting blanket of love, and my shape melds with blankets and covers. I like being that sexy slug. There I don’t feel like you have any expectations of me and what my confidence in myself should be. There I don’t have to be or do or look a certain way in order to gain approval from anyone.
Letting myself be okay and at peace with rarely feeling sexy around other people. Making space for being scared of be vulnerable or sharing my insecurities – which have always been there, bubbling like a little creek. I’m just putting less energy into hiding them now, the creek doesn’t go underground any more. I can’t pretend to be the eternal optimistic fountain of all joy and carefree optimism 24/7 – I still am these qualities, however I am allowing myself to be more selective with who I share that joy with.
I love being open and connecting with wonderful people I meet on an emotive level, but I choose who, how and when I let people in or share that gift with now. I’ve been told two or three times recently that I’ve much thicker walls up now and I’m much less open than I used to be. This used to worry me, but I wonder if it is because people who used to feed of this energy no long find it accessible to them?
My sexy is now sacred to me. My sexy is my gift, my joy. Those photos on the internet of me almost naked showing the curves, the body, the smiles and the “seduction”- THIS is my performance art. I’m a great performance artist but I want to retire from “being on show”. I want to retire from supporting everyone else with my positive free spirit attitude. I really truly believe love increases the more you share it but am exploring my boundaries keeping it safe and protected, I think just for now. I know right now my boundaries are pretty close and tight, and as time passes and I grow I believe they will expand to share and love more people and be more open again. Sacred joy, sacred shadow self, winter of self love that grows back when I nurture it softly.
I feel sexy when someone approaches me to bootblack my leather shorts. I feel sexy when I feel my dance partners body pressed against mine and know she can read my body language. I feel sexy when I’m naked in the warm summer rain. I feel sexy when your eyes never reach my body they stare deep into my soul and when tears stream down my cheeks they keep eye contact with you and you show me your openness and softness in return. I feel sexy when you say you’ll miss me but we’ll still hold space and love and support each other even if we won’t live in the same country for a while. I feel sexy when I hold you to warm you up on a cold night out and your body leans back into mine. Everything happens for a reason, it’s up to us what we do with these experiences. <3
“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love. However you are at this moment, when you can accept that you are loveable, then the fear starts to dissolve. It’s allowing your own beauty. It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff. Just another radiant bit of light, another soul. And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. You realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is. That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”
“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love.
It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff. Just another radiant bit of light, another soul. And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. Your realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is. That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”
I felt unlovable. The experience of having someone leave you abruptly, having your heart and expectations dashed, battling through a relationship where trust has been broken, or suddenly not having a long term partner in your life, even if it was more about the company. All these things play with my subconscious, make my heart hurt, make my inner psyche doubt my worth. It’s those feeling of unworthiness that I inflict on myself, wounds that take so long to heal. Those moments where I literally feel the energy in my chest feeling like it is ripping my soul in two. Feeling vulnerability so intensely it feels like emotions are bleeding out of my chest.
I’m glad I’ve felt this. I’m glad I’ve had my heart proverbially ripped out and stomped on. That at the most difficult time of my life where my family relationship was strained, I thought I was losing a parent, I also lost my relationship, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I’m glad that happened. I’m glad she did what was best for her, I hold no resentment at all towards her. I’m grateful that I’ve had this opportunity to leave that life behind and use this pain to awaken to, use this sorrow to become aware, it has been the catalyst so introspect and develop the most wonderful relationship with myself.
I’m glad I got to tear down everything I thought really mattered to me, everything that I really thought I wanted. It has been a jetpack booster to my spiritual journey. My journey to find my power to find my heart, find connection and intimacy without expectation, to feel loved again. To unpack why I fell to pieces, what actually I felt like lost, what I actually gained, and the beauty of that experience.
Rejection made me question and realise how much I’d forgotten how much love I’ve got inside of me. I don’t think love comes from an outside source. It comes from loving myself, living to my own standards and making my own happiness on my terms a priority. Living my authenticness, what makes me uniquely me – when I put that energy out to the universe I stop needing to rely external validation. My life source comes from within, and in a world that rewards success, weight loss, worships superficial beauty standards to be in my own power, loving myself as I am, doing the things that really make me happy – is the most powerful rebellious act of social defiance. It’s not a big thing, it’s correcting someone who tells me I am more desirable because I am skinny, it’s acknowledging that not having / making lots of money doesn’t make me a failure, supporting my friends who choose to not take the traditional life trajectory of relationship, job, house career kids, and being there with them as they explore their squiggly line journey to what makes them happy, discovering what defines success for them.
One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown says, “What we know is that connection – the ability to feel connected – is why we’re here … It’s what brings purpose to our lives.” I love that she has extensively researched this unknown entity that keeps people all around us from being connected – despite so many of our social behaviours being driven by the lure of being more connected, but leading instead to competition based vanity stats driven validation.
“Shame is … easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection?” The thoughts we have undermine ourselves. Our minds tell us “I’m not ______ enough [for intimate connections]”
How I have struggled with even the mere idea of excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, I have to allow myself to really be seen by others, to open ourselves to the vague potential of hurt or pain again. “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness,” Brown says, “but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
Today I feel worthy, I allow myself to be imperfect, to have my creative endeavors be different to society’s idea of success, to celebrate the precious moments of love that I share. I am so much more determined – more than ever to live my life wholeheartedly, to be willing to let go of who I think I should be, who I think the world thinks I should be, in order to be who only and completely who i am… I am more than anything else, willing to be vulnerable.
Every day I want to ask myself – “how can I let myself be seen today, deeply seen, vulnerably seen. How can I share my love with my whole heart, even though there’s no guarantee and nothing I can grasp to with any feeling or assurance of permanence. How can I practice gratitude and joy in those moments of sheer terror, to remind myself that feeling this vulnerable means I’m alive. Even if I feel like I’m running blindly towards my adventure and the unknown.
To every day tell myself, to tell myself so often that I truly believe that I’m enough. I’m enough and all I ever need. I don’t need anyone to be happy, but I can share my happiness with someone, I can share my love with others, and not run out, and not find it or need it from them. That I can self generate all I need, that am enough.
I am enough even if I ask for help, I am enough even when things don’t go as planned. I am enough even when things aren’t a financial success, that I am even enough when all I got out of it was learning how to do it better next time. I am enough even when I slip back into old patterns or habits, because I have felt pain, and sorry that has made me aware, and I can never ever lose that awareness of my power, being enough. Sharing my love with no expectations having it come back to me like a tidal wave of wonderful experiences that I didn’t expect, intimacy and connection like I’ve never experienced before. Feelings in my heart that tear me apart with what feels like the complete opposite of a breaking heart. One that overflows with love, gratitude and vulnerable feelings of love with no grasping, or expectations. It’s scary, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
As soon as I choose to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, deeply and completely, I discovered that I attract and keep those around me will who will accept and love me in exactly the same way I do.
I am capable of loving, sharing my love and also of accepting the love from anyone who wants to receive my love, or who wants to offer it. I do not need to place standards on myself that determine, how “together” I am, what I’ve achieved or what stage of my life I need to be at before I am loved, or worth of love. I just need to open, be wholehearted and vulnerable. My own self-esteem and self-love is what determines whether I choose to remain around people who bring me down, memories of people who hurt me, or times when I didn’t love myself, and placed myself in the line of fire. When I choose and decide that I am worthy of more, that I am enough, and deserving of the greatest levels that love has to offer, that is when the love, intimacy and connection, the healing magick has started to happen in my life. It blows me away.
All my life I have struggled with my mind being so afraid of being alone. Rewriting this pattern is probably the hardest journey I’ve been on, and I know I’m still on it; because being alone made me feel unworthy and unlovable. Recognising this, I am starting work towards believing I am enough alone, loving myself alone, and as I am, authentically right now.
Rejection, as an ego-reducing emotion, is nothing short of painful. I’ve been really trying to view rejection as necessary and even positive for me, helping me overcome that pain much more easily. Recognising the hidden elements of this emotion, has been a catalyst for productive change towards a better, stronger, more powerful Me.
Going home. Being myself at all costs, authentically me. I love being creative, loud, empathetic, emotional, colourful, a risk taker, an adventurer, magickal, bold, impulsive, grounded, personally stable, a high achiever. I love these things, much more than it hurts if I am rejected or too much for someone because of these things. I let go of my own ego, and desire to please, or be liked, to follow the things that make me “ME”. To do the things I feel called to do, to let go of wanting to be liked, to be approved, or validated, to just let go and be me, no matter the temporary pain of rejection I might feel along my journey. Letting go my ego, being ultimately as vulnerable as I can be just to love myself.
Mentally strong people know that rejection serves as proof that they’re living life to the fullest. They expect to be rejected sometimes, and they’re not afraid to go for it, even when they know there is a risk of heartbreak or pain.
Disappointment, that is the emotion I felt as I unpacked that feeling rejection. I wanted to make it work, prove I could do it. Be a adult, have a successful relationship, work through those hard times, be loved and have proof to myself that I am loveable. Rejection, feeling disappointed in myself that I potentially wasn’t all those things was crushing. Moving on from that is feeling and knowing in myself that I am, I am loveable, I am capable of beautiful successful gorgeous love, where I give myself wholeheartedly. I know I can do that, I know I am worthy of being loved and able to love in a supportive, respectful and honestly vulnerable way. Sharing, loving and giving space, receiving space, being open. I did it. I felt it, I loved and thrived. Just cos it didn’t work once will never mean that that was my only opportunity. I can do it better, I can experience and share this again, just differently, and in a way that I will have learned, grown and become a more wholeheartedly open version of myself.
Success, long term relationships, marriage, promotions, wealth. These are all seen by society as good, these are what we are told to strive for. Failure, disappointment, rejection, hurt and pain are all seen as bad, to be avoided at all costs, to be pushed under a rug and not under any circumstances talked about. Your subconscious doesn’t see either of these. It is an extreme state. It only sees the distance these extreme emotions fling us from our self, our comfort zone, how this distances us from our authentic true self. This is the space we grow from, at either end, as we find our way back to our equilibrium, as we try and find a way of calming down the emotional roller coaster of extremes.
As we let go of the ego that either celebrates itself or wants to put it’s head in a hole, we come back home. Sitting in that emotion and feeling it, acknowledging it, and allowing ourselves space to work our way back to what is truly important to self, our hearts. That singular thing that we love to devote ourselves to whole heartedly without care about the outcome. It could be either or any of these – service, creativity, faith, family, adventure. Doing something worthy in a way that is wholehearted regardless of outcome, is a beautiful test of courage, the confidence in yourself that it will be worth it, and the willingness to grow and learn from it whatever the outcome might be.
I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. – Carl Jung.
Rejection can be a lifelong ordeal stemming from childhood. Tapping into any of my feelings of childhood abandonment, rejection becomes simply a pattern for me to understand and rewrite throughout my life. Acknowledging my actions may be triggered by a subconscious memory, then being able to step back and objectively unpack my reactions and the patterns come from – is an incredible exercise. Understanding the primary source of rejection and the impact it had on my inner child can help me deal with this unpleasant emotion. Accepting that this is not the first or last time I’ll feel the ache of rejection, but that I know I’ve defeated this emotion before and that I will emerge stronger from each instance.
“Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” – Sonya Parker
As years went by and I took on more risks, I invited more rejection into my life. Remember taking risks, being wholeheartedly “in it” or vulnerably “out there”, is a risk. This risk has massive rewards that can be worth the potential hurt. I don’t ever want the potential to be hurt to stop me loving, to stop me adventuring to stop me being my outgoing, vulnerable, action focused, empathic self, wearing my heart on my sleeve and sharing love wholeheartedly.
Rejection is negative judgment manifested, and judgment is subjective by nature. This means I can decide to interpret rejection as evidence of someone’s perception rather than as evidence of my flawed nature. People who reject me are the minority!
Estimating how many people I’ve met in my entire life, then counting the number of people who have severely rejected me. Dividing the second number by the first, the result would rarely exceed 1%.
Is 1% significant? I’ve met thousands of people throughout my life and only a couple of people have rejected me in such a way that seriously challenged my self-identity. Bottom line, extreme rejection is usually the exception.
The only reason we suffer the sting of rejection is because we feel emotionally attached to a person. Had we no emotions towards them, their rejection would mean nothing to us. Yet oftentimes it has nothing to do with us. We are attached, we have have placed some expectation or meaning outside of ourselves to our attachment to a person. We have hopes of the future, expectations of the fulfilment of needs. This expectation, and grasping onto attachment or meaning from a person, something or a experience that is never permanent opens us up to feeling pain and disappointment when that “forever” changes, or the situation shifts in a way we did not expect.
It is hard to remember to speak to myself like a trusted friend. To not conclude that I’m unlovable. To keep rejection in its proper perspective. One person’s opinion, or one single incident, should never define who I am. To not let my self-worth depend upon other people’s opinions, attractions or desire for me. Just because one person has rejected me, doesn’t mean everyone will or that it will be always like that.
Rejection — especially harsh or cruel rejection — can be a manifestation of self-insufficiencies and a lack of self-tolerance or understanding in the other person. When this idea came up in my reading, it really struck me with a sense of sadness and compassion. I deeply care and I do not want this kind of suffering for those I care about. But I have to step back, their journey is not my journey, I cannot see or understand their experience. I can only be honest and kind to both them and myself.
I can only ask myself this: “What did I gain from this?” so that I can learn and grow from all rejection I experience. Rather than simply tolerate the pain, I want to turn it into an opportunity for self-growth. To grow stronger and become better, to let go of what does not serve me, and embrace the emptiness, impermanence and change of this world around me in a way that frees me from pain, disappointment and hurt and opens doors for sharing the gifts of creativity and empathy I have been blessed with.
I know and am acutely aware of this unpleasant experience, but if I don’t endlessly focus on it, I’ll can take away its power. Placing my attention on the positive, gratitude for my blessings and privileges I have and amazing support I receive from others. Being consciously aware of the people who have supported and encouraged me will allow me to align with high-energy emotions and positive situations.
I love this crazy mantra “THIS IS FEAR! DON’T GIVE FEAR THE POWER OVER YOU!”
Once I’m back in a place where I’m conscious of my own magnificence, rejection will lose its power. I don’t necessarily feel that thrilled about experiencing feelings of rejection, but I know I will bounce back quickly. And most importantly, I’ll continue fully embracing my life, pursuing my wholehearted truth, and focusing on the many gifts I have to share from my past, in the present, and forward into the future.