What a crazy few days/week it’s been. I know I’m trying to slow down but this pace is exciting. From sleep over dates and getting to know and feel comfortable with a new human, to having my van stolen – AND completely surreally getting her back. Buying RV insurance then immediately using it the next day. The serendipity has been incredible in a way it has left me feeling completely out of control, and ungrounded where all I can do is trust, all I can do is let go. To release my attachment to any plans, and to work hard when opportunities and doors open to me.
Last night my vehicle was stolen. I heard it start up, (holes in her muffler make for a super loud and recognisable sound) and drive off. My first ever 911 call and my body shut down into shocked eerie calmness while I gave the dispatcher details. I’ve never been in quite an intense trust situation where everything feels so dark, hopeless and out of control – when all you can do is feel that tiny glimmer of hope and feeling that it is all part of the journey.
Later that night the police called back having found my van, arrested the thief and told me to come collect it. In 1 piece, 99% unharmed and without impounding it or taking her off me! She lives, and we get to continue her restoration journey together – towards my dream of living in her on the road traveling. What a glimpse into the shadow world. Just before the new moon in Gemini!
Since then I have yo-yo’d between exhaustion, overwhelm and a beautiful reminder to share my gratitude, love and thankfulness for the opportunities, love, support and access I have to a means of transport, financial means of supporting myself and doing a up a van, and a life in a country where emergency services actually help – search helicopter and all.
I am feeling so grateful. This I’m back catching the bus to and from work because my Van has been hanging out at my mechanic’s house… I’m pooped. I am so thankful for my out of the box ways of thinking of things and not giving up. Being told by an auto mechanic that doing her up would take 50k and 12 months, too making wonderful leaps and bounds in progress giving her love has really warmed up my heart. It almost feels like my heart is being taught to love again in a way that’s completely new to me.
With a human body I’m not familiar with but am wonderfully attracted to – gentle, gorgeous and softly caring and sweet. To a vehicle I almost regretted for a second bringing into my life. The clouds started all black with her till slowly my determination not to give up and to find a way around “the system” has opened up my heart to dreaming and imagining our adventures and travels together. It’s exciting, thrilling and a terrifying emotional roller coaster where I’m learning so much about the things I am scared of. Challenging the things or parts of my identity that I’ve been clinging to and how to smashing it pieces straight out from under me.
Woken up, lit up grateful, thankful and overwhelmed.
Riding the bus this morning and not having my headphones to loose myself in inspiring podcasts but to actually having to sit with my brain. Finding a precious moment to be present and create this stream of consciousness and gratitude. To feel grounded in an urban routine of stopping for a second to allow my mind space to breathe. I wouldn’t have imagined a few weeks ago how happy I’d be to have a long bus ride to work.
No pigeons were harmed in the sending of this letter.
I’ve been here three weeks. I still pinch myself when I open google maps and the little blue dot says “northern hemisphere” you’re in CANADA! Im falling in love with the place, so far the warmth of springs honeymoon phase has been delightful. The crisp fresh air, the snow speckled mountains in the north and the gulf islands have definitely caught my attention.
I’m currently writing to you on a bus off to my second hike/ camping trip since I got here. First was a gorgeous place called Salt Spring Island. I went over for a Beltaine ritual. The camp ground was not quite fully reachable by public transport and it was the easiest hitch-hiking experience I’ve had. I guess I did look obviously like a tourist and my accent is a dead giveaway.
The camp ground was the middle ground between sea and forest, gorgeous during the day, pines towering above me. Rocky foreshore , bleached drift wood, the smell of salt and wet earth and the distant sound of boat air horns as they leave the shore. Looking into the sky it’s unfamiliar to me. The stars are new friends I neeed to learn, a different angle to the galaxy reminding me the southern cross is indeed down under. We set up for the ritual, creating magick, and a maypole. I joined to help tearing colourful sheets into to long ribbons to decorate with the weaving dance of spring. Round and round to the beat of the drums and 40+ chanting voices, over, under, over, under. Many songs later we sit very well rugged up around our Beltaine fire toasting marshmellows and feeling the heat bring a ruddy glow to our faces. This is a freedom that is magick. This is my culture, my celtic heritige and it feels like home.
A few days later I find myself in a room of at least 100+ handsome and bearded men. You raise an eyebrow at me wondering what on earth has brought me here. No it’s not a Canadian farming or forestry convention full of plaid, cowboy hats and big leather boots. I did however find a store that did stock the epitome of that entire stereotype and nearly walked out with a pair of leather boots myself.
No I’m at the Vancouver Mens Chorus, which is 98% gay I’m told. They’re darlings and filling the room with their delightfully booming voice the room resonates with Musical theatre tunes “Anything goes” to slight more camp wonders “Is he Gay or just European?!”
So you’re still wondering why I’m there? My wonderful friend Mama Alto, connected me with a person I’d have to describe as Vancouver’s music and theatre socialite / producer who invited me along to recruit more Canadians across a very broad age range for my Queer Tarot Project. Nothing like hitting the ground running.
I’ve officially completed 47 photoshoots, finishing the Major Arcana with 36 cards including all the duplicates. I’ve only another 45 to go, but I’m estimating maybe another 50 shoots to go to finish the Tarot Deck. Along the way creating all the individual videos that will be the card interpretations as well. The big goal tho is to make a short film / documentary, probably initally under 15 minutes to have ready for the Vancouver Queer Film Festival in March next year. Not unusual for me to do everything at once and set myself a gloriously ambitious goal. Nice in this case there’s no downside, if I can do it and make it happen I’ll be over the moon, if not the good news is these events happen over and over again year after year.
Manifestation is powerful ya’ll! I’ve been revelling in gratitude since I got here. I’m living in a beautiful house with a gorgeous room and housemate I met Burning Man a few years ago. I’ve got purchasing a vehicle in the works and decided I’d work for a few months so I could travel more extensively for the next few months after that next year. I am enjoying my own company, traveling alone and meeting all kinds of people out and about.
Thank you all so much for your letters and replies back to my emails. I’ve barely had any homesickness yet thanks to the love and conversations I’ve had at weird hours of the day back n forth to Australia and New Zealand.
I haven’t seen a moose yet. I’ve seen canada geese, a skunk at a safe distance a brown squirrel and 2 wild deer. I think half of Canada is serious about bears and the other half is writing books to pull my leg “a bear at my lunch”. I’ve walked through the bush in the dark at night scaring myself silly with the thought of a lurking cougar, to realise I’m in a populated park and the dogs everwhere aren’t going crazy barking.
The nudie beach is quite the experience, from wandering alcahol sales people to show ponys parading up and down the beach, I dont think I’ve ever been at such a busy beach surrounded by so many people completely starkers. New Zealand nudie beaches I remember, you’d just know not to approach that tent in the bushes 2m up the beach, with few people in cussing distance of one another.
It was a very warm day for spring, 26° I think, and I’m sitting there looking at the glistening water longing for a swim wondering why there’s absolutely no one swimming! Weird I think to myself, sure it’s a sheltered bay, and the water looks clean enough. So I think to myself “fuck it, I’m going in”. Thinking nothing would be nicer than laying there floating warmed by the sun, relaxing in the water. How wrong I was. Running in to get over the first dip chill I quickly realised this was no normal chill, this is the Atlantic Ocean and boy was it ICY. Running now up to my upper thighs in water, I was winded by the cold temperature change and proceeded to flail anything but gracefully face first into the freeeeeezing water. I couldn’t feel my toes almost instantly. “Okay” I thought to myself, “guess this is why there’s no one bloody swimming then!” I tried a couple more times but without a wet suit it would just be rather an unpleasant experience. Luckily the sun was divine and my skin warmed up and dried off in no time, leaving a baked and salt me to find my way home.
Hello my friend, my new pen-pal – this is a love letter. I’m a long way away from NZ / Australia, I’m writing to you now before homesickness kicks in! I don’t think I’ve written anything or emailed anyone since March – It was a HUGE month. I went to Sydney had a fascinatingly sexy time there, ran a public Shibari Magick ritual then finished up the last Queer Tarot Exhibition held in Daylesford (the Queerest country town in Victoria). Then I moved out of my house in Melbourne, a few days later I was jet setting off to the Gold Coast for Cloud Catcher – two weeks after that I left for Canada!
Honestly, today I sat down to dye my hair and it is all slowly catching up with me.. Have you ever felt like you’re in such a big state of change, flux that your feet aren’t on the ground but you just have to keep moving or you’ll fall out of the tornado that you’ve created? I’m used to doing things with a really quickly. Deciding I’m going to do something then immediately making it happen. This whole year has felt like an ever escalating tornado, of learning, working, traveling and meeting new and wonderful people, that I’m likely never to forget.
I planned for months, and prepared, applied for my visa, downsized everything and got my life in order. I was leaving and I was doing it right. Also how powerful is manifestation? When I moved to Australia, I told myself and others, that I’d probably be there 5 years, then live somewhere else.. Then promptly forgot about it.
Here we are almost 5 years to the month later, and I’ve a flight ticket booked and a visa in hand realising that what you say with belief really does come to happen. I wanted to live in the northern hemisphere and here I am, falling slowly in love with this place. I’ve fallen out of love with cities and I’m just working out how to break up with them. Finding ways to live, support myself and make connections that don’t require being in the suburban jungle.
Back to manifestation. I’ve learned more about the power of manifestation in 6 months, than I could have imagined. I thrived, not just survived. I wanted to see more of Australia before I left the country, and managed to make it all the way to Byron Bay, the Gold Coast and Springbrook hinterlands to the misty mountains where the clouds reach in to touch the earth. After finishing up the last of my Queer Tarot Exhibitions, my energy and drive to keep shooting lulled. I was heavy with what I’d learned from doing the exhibitions and self doubt that I could have done it all so much better… Putting myself, my art and my expectations out there to be met with a different reaction to what I’d expected left me vulnerable and a little deflated.
I was reignited when I applied for a activist scholarship to Cloud Catcher Witch Camp. All of you who are in my tarot cards helped me make this happen. Looking at the difference it’s made to your lives, stating what the importance to you of a Queer Tarot deck or a platform for yours and other Queer Voices – stirred up the fire in me again. With the support of Spencer of Magick Australia, who I owe deep gratitude to I got accepted and met 90+ amazing witches, pagans, seers and fairies. I don’t think I’ve felt more accepted as “Me” in a way it was safe to be a sobbing mess, and simultaneously a confident speaker sharing my passion for a topic or leading ritual, all while having space held for me. I LOVE YOU and thank you, I know you all are reading this.
In the last 2 months before I left Australia I shot over 20 tarot cards! I have still more than half that many to edit and produce, but I am slowly getting there, finding my feet here in Vancouver, a rhythm and routine. Soon I will write about my journeys with each tarot card, how I experience them through the stories that I’m told, through the magick we create. I shot 6 cards at witch camp with wonderful humans. I’m not sure how we fitted it in, but I am grateful for the trust they showed in my, having really only just met me, to then tell their stories.
I crammed in 6 photoshoots in the very last week before I left. A reignited sense of urgency, and passion consuming me, where I probably should have rested more, I didn’t I worked, traveled rushed around and enjoyed every second of it. I love my periods of isolate, reclusiveness and hidden activity but I also love my Yang energy, fiery, extroverted and on go. This inspiration has a hold of me, a possession, obsession, passion project and I love it. I will write soon at length the story I feel about how this happened, and how this inspiration chose me to come to form, to find a way to be realised.
Manifesting in a way I decide with complete definitiveness what I want, then put it out there to the universe. In retrospect the universe has a wonderful way of testing my resolve to do all the things that I’d said I really wanted to do.
I wanted to work for myself full time? Yes okay, then here is a redundancy package so you can move, and test out supporting yourself full time for 4 months before you leave while you have lots of support and friends around you.
You want to live a mobile life? Okay well test if you can handle it by living out of your car and on people’s couches for a month in a city where you know lots of people and have all the options.
Want to live a more simple, less material life? Okay well downsize your entire life and material possessions into two suitcases, and really two suitcases because you’re gonna have to lug them around a while before you leave!
Now? How do I want to support myself and travel here in Canada? Thanks Universe, I’m ready to keep learning.
Well they let me into the country and I truly am thankful for all my blessings. I wanted to first of all live with a friend or someone I knew a little when I first got to Canada. Well my friends manifestation WORKS!! Not only am I sitting writing this from the most beautiful house, with wonderful housemates, the spring blossoms are out, the weather is crisp but warm, and hopefully I shall have a vehicle soon too. More about that when it happens.