I am Loveable.
“It us a long time, many of us longer than others to come up out of the darkness of our feelings of unworthiness, of unlovableness. Of allowing that liquidity to happen, of feeling safe to be in the presence of love.
It’s allowing the beauty of your soul, which is behind your personality, it’s behind all of that stuff. Just another radiant bit of light, another soul. And I think at this moment there’s nothing violent to do, you just observe the kind of sadness, the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of separateness, the feeling of pain. You just watch it and allow it. Don’t get too fierce about it, don’t feel too deprived about it, don’t milk the self pity. You know, just notice it’s just a passing show, it’s another place your mind is grabbing. It’s all mind. Your realise that, the only thing you are stuck isn’t even history it’s just mind. It’s a model you have of who you think you are, and who you think everyone else is. That’s all it is. That exactly what is causing your suffering at this moment, is your own thoughtfulness and your clinging to them and saying “this is real”. And it is as simple as that, it really is the mind.”
I felt unlovable. The experience of having someone leave you abruptly, having your heart and expectations dashed, battling through a relationship where trust has been broken, or suddenly not having a long term partner in your life, even if it was more about the company. All these things play with my subconscious, make my heart hurt, make my inner psyche doubt my worth. It’s those feeling of unworthiness that I inflict on myself, wounds that take so long to heal. Those moments where I literally feel the energy in my chest feeling like it is ripping my soul in two. Feeling vulnerability so intensely it feels like emotions are bleeding out of my chest.
I’m glad I’ve felt this. I’m glad I’ve had my heart proverbially ripped out and stomped on. That at the most difficult time of my life where my family relationship was strained, I thought I was losing a parent, I also lost my relationship, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I’m glad that happened. I’m glad she did what was best for her, I hold no resentment at all towards her. I’m grateful that I’ve had this opportunity to leave that life behind and use this pain to awaken to, use this sorrow to become aware, it has been the catalyst so introspect and develop the most wonderful relationship with myself.
I’m glad I got to tear down everything I thought really mattered to me, everything that I really thought I wanted. It has been a jetpack booster to my spiritual journey. My journey to find my power to find my heart, find connection and intimacy without expectation, to feel loved again. To unpack why I fell to pieces, what actually I felt like lost, what I actually gained, and the beauty of that experience.
Rejection made me question and realise how much I’d forgotten how much love I’ve got inside of me. I don’t think love comes from an outside source. It comes from loving myself, living to my own standards and making my own happiness on my terms a priority. Living my authenticness, what makes me uniquely me – when I put that energy out to the universe I stop needing to rely external validation. My life source comes from within, and in a world that rewards success, weight loss, worships superficial beauty standards to be in my own power, loving myself as I am, doing the things that really make me happy – is the most powerful rebellious act of social defiance. It’s not a big thing, it’s correcting someone who tells me I am more desirable because I am skinny, it’s acknowledging that not having / making lots of money doesn’t make me a failure, supporting my friends who choose to not take the traditional life trajectory of relationship, job, house career kids, and being there with them as they explore their squiggly line journey to what makes them happy, discovering what defines success for them.
One of my favourite authors, Brené Brown says, “What we know is that connection – the ability to feel connected – is why we’re here … It’s what brings purpose to our lives.” I love that she has extensively researched this unknown entity that keeps people all around us from being connected – despite so many of our social behaviours being driven by the lure of being more connected, but leading instead to competition based vanity stats driven validation.
“Shame is … easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection?” The thoughts we have undermine ourselves. Our minds tell us “I’m not ______ enough [for intimate connections]”
How I have struggled with even the mere idea of excruciating vulnerability. This idea that in order for connection to happen, I have to allow myself to really be seen by others, to open ourselves to the vague potential of hurt or pain again. “Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness,” Brown says, “but it appears it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
Today I feel worthy, I allow myself to be imperfect, to have my creative endeavors be different to society’s idea of success, to celebrate the precious moments of love that I share. I am so much more determined – more than ever to live my life wholeheartedly, to be willing to let go of who I think I should be, who I think the world thinks I should be, in order to be who only and completely who i am… I am more than anything else, willing to be vulnerable.
Every day I want to ask myself – “how can I let myself be seen today, deeply seen, vulnerably seen. How can I share my love with my whole heart, even though there’s no guarantee and nothing I can grasp to with any feeling or assurance of permanence. How can I practice gratitude and joy in those moments of sheer terror, to remind myself that feeling this vulnerable means I’m alive. Even if I feel like I’m running blindly towards my adventure and the unknown.
To every day tell myself, to tell myself so often that I truly believe that I’m enough. I’m enough and all I ever need. I don’t need anyone to be happy, but I can share my happiness with someone, I can share my love with others, and not run out, and not find it or need it from them. That I can self generate all I need, that am enough.
I am enough even if I ask for help, I am enough even when things don’t go as planned. I am enough even when things aren’t a financial success, that I am even enough when all I got out of it was learning how to do it better next time. I am enough even when I slip back into old patterns or habits, because I have felt pain, and sorry that has made me aware, and I can never ever lose that awareness of my power, being enough. Sharing my love with no expectations having it come back to me like a tidal wave of wonderful experiences that I didn’t expect, intimacy and connection like I’ve never experienced before. Feelings in my heart that tear me apart with what feels like the complete opposite of a breaking heart. One that overflows with love, gratitude and vulnerable feelings of love with no grasping, or expectations. It’s scary, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
As soon as I choose to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, deeply and completely, I discovered that I attract and keep those around me will who will accept and love me in exactly the same way I do.
I am capable of loving, sharing my love and also of accepting the love from anyone who wants to receive my love, or who wants to offer it. I do not need to place standards on myself that determine, how “together” I am, what I’ve achieved or what stage of my life I need to be at before I am loved, or worth of love. I just need to open, be wholehearted and vulnerable. My own self-esteem and self-love is what determines whether I choose to remain around people who bring me down, memories of people who hurt me, or times when I didn’t love myself, and placed myself in the line of fire. When I choose and decide that I am worthy of more, that I am enough, and deserving of the greatest levels that love has to offer, that is when the love, intimacy and connection, the healing magick has started to happen in my life. It blows me away.
All my life I have struggled with my mind being so afraid of being alone. Rewriting this pattern is probably the hardest journey I’ve been on, and I know I’m still on it; because being alone made me feel unworthy and unlovable. Recognising this, I am starting work towards believing I am enough alone, loving myself alone, and as I am, authentically right now.
Rejection, as an ego-reducing emotion, is nothing short of painful. I’ve been really trying to view rejection as necessary and even positive for me, helping me overcome that pain much more easily. Recognising the hidden elements of this emotion, has been a catalyst for productive change towards a better, stronger, more powerful Me.
Going home. Being myself at all costs, authentically me. I love being creative, loud, empathetic, emotional, colourful, a risk taker, an adventurer, magickal, bold, impulsive, grounded, personally stable, a high achiever. I love these things, much more than it hurts if I am rejected or too much for someone because of these things. I let go of my own ego, and desire to please, or be liked, to follow the things that make me “ME”. To do the things I feel called to do, to let go of wanting to be liked, to be approved, or validated, to just let go and be me, no matter the temporary pain of rejection I might feel along my journey. Letting go my ego, being ultimately as vulnerable as I can be just to love myself.
Mentally strong people know that rejection serves as proof that they’re living life to the fullest. They expect to be rejected sometimes, and they’re not afraid to go for it, even when they know there is a risk of heartbreak or pain.
Disappointment, that is the emotion I felt as I unpacked that feeling rejection. I wanted to make it work, prove I could do it. Be a adult, have a successful relationship, work through those hard times, be loved and have proof to myself that I am loveable. Rejection, feeling disappointed in myself that I potentially wasn’t all those things was crushing. Moving on from that is feeling and knowing in myself that I am, I am loveable, I am capable of beautiful successful gorgeous love, where I give myself wholeheartedly. I know I can do that, I know I am worthy of being loved and able to love in a supportive, respectful and honestly vulnerable way. Sharing, loving and giving space, receiving space, being open. I did it. I felt it, I loved and thrived. Just cos it didn’t work once will never mean that that was my only opportunity. I can do it better, I can experience and share this again, just differently, and in a way that I will have learned, grown and become a more wholeheartedly open version of myself.
Success, long term relationships, marriage, promotions, wealth. These are all seen by society as good, these are what we are told to strive for. Failure, disappointment, rejection, hurt and pain are all seen as bad, to be avoided at all costs, to be pushed under a rug and not under any circumstances talked about. Your subconscious doesn’t see either of these. It is an extreme state. It only sees the distance these extreme emotions fling us from our self, our comfort zone, how this distances us from our authentic true self. This is the space we grow from, at either end, as we find our way back to our equilibrium, as we try and find a way of calming down the emotional roller coaster of extremes.
As we let go of the ego that either celebrates itself or wants to put it’s head in a hole, we come back home. Sitting in that emotion and feeling it, acknowledging it, and allowing ourselves space to work our way back to what is truly important to self, our hearts. That singular thing that we love to devote ourselves to whole heartedly without care about the outcome. It could be either or any of these – service, creativity, faith, family, adventure. Doing something worthy in a way that is wholehearted regardless of outcome, is a beautiful test of courage, the confidence in yourself that it will be worth it, and the willingness to grow and learn from it whatever the outcome might be.
I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. – Carl Jung.
Rejection can be a lifelong ordeal stemming from childhood. Tapping into any of my feelings of childhood abandonment, rejection becomes simply a pattern for me to understand and rewrite throughout my life. Acknowledging my actions may be triggered by a subconscious memory, then being able to step back and objectively unpack my reactions and the patterns come from – is an incredible exercise. Understanding the primary source of rejection and the impact it had on my inner child can help me deal with this unpleasant emotion. Accepting that this is not the first or last time I’ll feel the ache of rejection, but that I know I’ve defeated this emotion before and that I will emerge stronger from each instance.
“Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” – Sonya Parker
As years went by and I took on more risks, I invited more rejection into my life. Remember taking risks, being wholeheartedly “in it” or vulnerably “out there”, is a risk. This risk has massive rewards that can be worth the potential hurt. I don’t ever want the potential to be hurt to stop me loving, to stop me adventuring to stop me being my outgoing, vulnerable, action focused, empathic self, wearing my heart on my sleeve and sharing love wholeheartedly.
Rejection is negative judgment manifested, and judgment is subjective by nature. This means I can decide to interpret rejection as evidence of someone’s perception rather than as evidence of my flawed nature. People who reject me are the minority!
Estimating how many people I’ve met in my entire life, then counting the number of people who have severely rejected me. Dividing the second number by the first, the result would rarely exceed 1%.
Is 1% significant? I’ve met thousands of people throughout my life and only a couple of people have rejected me in such a way that seriously challenged my self-identity. Bottom line, extreme rejection is usually the exception.
The only reason we suffer the sting of rejection is because we feel emotionally attached to a person. Had we no emotions towards them, their rejection would mean nothing to us. Yet oftentimes it has nothing to do with us. We are attached, we have have placed some expectation or meaning outside of ourselves to our attachment to a person. We have hopes of the future, expectations of the fulfilment of needs. This expectation, and grasping onto attachment or meaning from a person, something or a experience that is never permanent opens us up to feeling pain and disappointment when that “forever” changes, or the situation shifts in a way we did not expect.
It is hard to remember to speak to myself like a trusted friend. To not conclude that I’m unlovable. To keep rejection in its proper perspective. One person’s opinion, or one single incident, should never define who I am. To not let my self-worth depend upon other people’s opinions, attractions or desire for me. Just because one person has rejected me, doesn’t mean everyone will or that it will be always like that.
Rejection — especially harsh or cruel rejection — can be a manifestation of self-insufficiencies and a lack of self-tolerance or understanding in the other person. When this idea came up in my reading, it really struck me with a sense of sadness and compassion. I deeply care and I do not want this kind of suffering for those I care about. But I have to step back, their journey is not my journey, I cannot see or understand their experience. I can only be honest and kind to both them and myself.
I can only ask myself this: “What did I gain from this?” so that I can learn and grow from all rejection I experience. Rather than simply tolerate the pain, I want to turn it into an opportunity for self-growth. To grow stronger and become better, to let go of what does not serve me, and embrace the emptiness, impermanence and change of this world around me in a way that frees me from pain, disappointment and hurt and opens doors for sharing the gifts of creativity and empathy I have been blessed with.
I know and am acutely aware of this unpleasant experience, but if I don’t endlessly focus on it, I’ll can take away its power. Placing my attention on the positive, gratitude for my blessings and privileges I have and amazing support I receive from others. Being consciously aware of the people who have supported and encouraged me will allow me to align with high-energy emotions and positive situations.
I love this crazy mantra “THIS IS FEAR! DON’T GIVE FEAR THE POWER OVER YOU!”
Once I’m back in a place where I’m conscious of my own magnificence, rejection will lose its power. I don’t necessarily feel that thrilled about experiencing feelings of rejection, but I know I will bounce back quickly. And most importantly, I’ll continue fully embracing my life, pursuing my wholehearted truth, and focusing on the many gifts I have to share from my past, in the present, and forward into the future.
I wanted to go, but $80 was too much. She was coming I thought it would be wonderful to see her again… I said
“I’ll be yours for the night if you have a plus one.” It was too late, I’d said it and she’d said yes. I was going and I was quite excited.
A bold move on my part, such bolshy confidence I hadn’t felt in such a long time, metered with the overthinking after thought of “was that rude, what if she says yes, what does that involve, what have I signed up for?!” It was too late, I’d said it and she’d said yes. I was going and I was quite excited. I knew one of my best friends would be there if I needed so I knew I’d be safe, but the adventure of the unknown was intoxicating. I’d not been out on a wild unknown limb in a while, and certainly hadn’t let anyone any near my body. The day grew closer and she sent me a picture of a pony bridle and bit, and asked if I was into pony play. My mind raced, I didn’t know what that would entail for her.. I’d participated in a few other play scenarios before mind you, with less industrial equipment shall we say. Unicorns are ponies I thought, I love those rainbow tails you can get, I jumped online and put one on a wishlist, thinking the always come with such wee plugs, maybe that’s so it’s more comfortable to wear over a longer period of time.
Anyway back to the story. The day arrived and I’d cried three times before it was near time to get there. I’d woken up feeling low, tired and lonely… tears flowed in the shower as I pulled myself together to face the day, dance practice was next. I was looking forward to this, a blat of exercise to shake up the adrenaline and shift the mood so I’d be bouncy and ready to dance later. Queue a wonderful lesson, on preparing for dance competitions by being kind to your inner child – and tears. I love this work and have much to say to my inner child and much to re-write. Shaking that off I was on to the next thing. I don’t do busy days by halves I thought, and at least it was a comedy show, laughs and light heartedness that I love to shift the mood so I’d be bounce and ready to dance later. The universe really had other plans for my day. Hannah Gadsby was doing her retirement show “Nannette”. She’s an amazing woman, and boy did she share her story and the ringer she’s been put through. Powerfully she announced she’s retiring. Boldly exposing how so much comedy is based around self deprecating, self humiliating and reinforces one’s own attachment to emotional repression, an inability to communicate or ask for help when hurt, frustrated or angry.
That much “humour” is mocking someone, something or calling oneself terrible things in order to garner a laugh from an audience. She was standing up for herself, her self worth and refusing make herself the brunt of the joke anymore.
Humour is amazing but boy does it conceal or shut down emotional openness and deflect from a world of hurt or acute fear of vulnerability. Queue more tears, me and the rest of the entire theatre.
This isn’t the sexy story you thought you’d be reading but it has a happy ending I promise.
I was shaken, the universe had wanted to get a point across to me, and I was listening. I was fragile but being kind to myself again. Sitting in my vulnerability, I thought “I guess I’m ready for a dance now”. This was not the mood shift or energy I had been expecting. The club was dark, mirror ball covered dangly light installations decorated the ceiling and rainbow flashes danced about the walls and across the faces of all the shadowy people in the venue. I was late, they’d all been there for a few hours, but I crept in ready to be swallowed by a crowd of faceless bodies, rolling to the waves of the bass as it thumped from the speakers. I wiggled my way to the midst of the madness, my skin taking in the temperature difference from outside to the damp warmth inside. And there she was.
Legs crossed in lotus position, arms out beside her, oosing the power of the goddess to the very tips of her long tallon’d fingers. She was floating a good metre off the floor, a spider web of ropes woven all around her in a beautifully symmetrical arch that made her look like she was floating on a throne.
She didn’t move, her limbs hugged tight by beautiful purple bonds, “it is her favourite colour”, I thought. Her head masked in glossy black latex, like a bald cap that came all the way over to mysteriously hide her eyes, ending elegantly just above her nose, highlighting her cheekbones. The mask sported a glossy black latex halo, a solid dark shiny disk that framed her head, with silken tassels hanging down past each ear. This was a powerful goddess of the night.
I was barely clothed, covered mostly in golden bronze metallic paint. Feeling freer without clothes trying to force me into a certain shape or cover up the beautiful ink that I’ve etched into my skin over the years. My hair was high, and filled with colourful flowers, my neck draped with a heavy necklace of tiny cocaine spoons. My body strapped into a beautiful pink harness that glowed like magick under the lights. My boobs sported matching weighted twirling tassels that I knew I’d show off later. The music was hypnotic, wooing me into it’s dark rhythms, most of the humans that surrounded me, naked or equally dressed in little clothing. I’d brought my flogger with me, feeling proud it was a well made piece and beautifully colour coordinated with the other harness pieces I was wearing. My mind had started to wander, so I asked a person dancing close to me if they’d want a gentle flogging or if they wanted to flog me. My offer was quickly accepted and we moved to part of the club there was room to swing.
My body warm, my skin warming up too as the sensation of tickling, teasing, and soft leather smacking into me repeatedly building up to an intoxicating sting.
My shoulders leaning into the pleasure of this pain, the thud then the tickle of the ends of the straps as it brushed up my bare back. The sting and tingle as it flicked around to the soft sensitive skin of my inner thighs. My butt cheeks framed by a little delicate black hassling and hanging sequins were bare and flushed pink with the blood flow of excited skin. My body didn’t wince, or jump, it leaned into the intoxicating sensations all over my skin. My mind ceased to be in my body, it felt like it was simply consumed by sensation. A gentle hand runs over the raised skin checking in to see that I am okay, and if I wish to continue. Hips press onto my ass, my body leans closer into the brick wall in front of me as I feel skin against skin, and breath whispering into my ear. I haven’t had another person’s skin against mine in what feels like an eternity. I return to my body, suddenly feeling very raw and vulnerable. The music floods back into my brain as I come back down to the environment around me, and we slink back to the dance floor to be enveloped again into the safety of the crowds, suddenly aware of the audience behind us hiding in the shadows enjoying the play we were having, sensing the energy of wild abandon and tactile pleasure.
She was there in the crowd, released from her suspended throne of purple ropes. She kissed me on the cheek and I blush. I feel like a kid around someone they admire and look up to. Suddenly all my experiences of kink and all things of the underworld melt away and I feel like an innocent creature next to her.
She is covered in beautiful tattoos, the long silken tassels from her latex halo frame her as she looks around then back to smile at me. I tingle with excitement and uncertainty. These things are never rushed, or non consensual but still I was still feeling very vulnerable. Where was the sassy creature that wanted to be hers? I didn’t know but I was enjoying myself regardless. My energy open with a “wise” innocence calmly just letting what ever was going to happen unfold around me. I sighed, this was beautiful, I was safe, cared for and surrounded by wonderful humans who knew what they were doing and had warm sexual energy and love. Flash forward through my body moving and getting lost in the hypnotic rhythm and thump of the music, I was warm sweaty and happy, some how letting go over the tension that had built up and the emotional overwhelm of the day. This was the energy and and mood I’d hoped for… the universe had rewarded me for my patience through the lessons I’d needed to learn that day.
There was a small room off the side of the dance floor, it’s roof a web of shibari rope she and I had woven for hours the day before. Suspended in the middle was a giant tire, as if it were her prey and she were the Queen of her web and it was caught in her clutches. The master behind the rope works of art lurked in the shadows, as we pressed our bodies together. A few moments later we are lashed together, a happy sweaty pile, teasing, scratching and writhing around. It’s curious, I thought, this is not quite what I expected tonight. Later I sit on a little crate as she is pleasured by the master, and the other person I’d played with earlier with the flogger. The exhibitionist in me is excited, I am not yet ready to participate, but I love being a voyeur. My body is excited by the unfamiliarity of it, yet not surprised that this beautiful collision of sexual energy has culminated in a beautiful puddle of wonderful people. We all writhe around in pleasure, me on my wee crate and them on and around the suspended tire ropes, with plenty to grip as our legs turn to jelly. Someone, maybe the rope master, I don’t remember – grips, pinches and roughly twists and squeezes my nipples as the tassels had come unstuck from my sweaty skin.
Fingernails scratch my skin. The tattoos on my back are dancing with sensations raised above my skin like icing on a cake.
I remember how much I love roughness, that fine line between pleasure /pain and being thrown around, and my body sighs in pleasure. Willing to take risks, willing to adventure to push my boundaries and grow. Learning my limits by testing them. Taking my philosophy on emotional intimacy and connection and put it to the practical test. Living life to the fullest, putting intellectual beliefs to the front of my lived experience and holding space for myself and where my mental headspace was at. My body, glowing, glistening with dampness, the taste of my pleasure on my lips. My limbs shaking, overwhelmed and on sensation overload – torn between wanting more and not being comfortable all at the same time, outside of the four walls of my temple boudoir.
I was in my power, open and vulnerable, willing to share intimacy and connection.
Rewriting rejection with scratch marks, practicing self love with welts across my skin and positively reframing ‘neediness’ with raised red lines over my body. That desire for affection, craving intimacy and wanting the comfort of physical touch are not weaknesses, and nor should I be ashamed of my desires and emotive affections.
I am not broken, I am just rediscovering my sparkle – she is wonderful, but tonight I reclaimed that devilish part of me and fell in love with myself again.
Interestingly in most Tarot depictions of the Hermit tarot card, they are never hiding away in a cave. Rather, they are out wandering, seeking their own truth and magick.
I’ve big plans; travel, exhibitions, work, creative projects, so to cope I have been introverting like a mo-fo. Working really hard is easy for me, managing myself so I don’t burn out is not. I wish it was, but unless I eat well, get at least 8 hours of sleep every night I turn into an emotional wreck, and a bundle of germs. This moment, feels like I am the artist who hides away for days then emerges to paint a masterpiece. My favourite Instagram brand is “Stay at Home Club” and the way their humour makes it okay to choose to not go to the party. Giving myself this quiet time allows my body to re-charge, and all the confused pieces of my mind to fall into place. My mind is alive, overactive, and calming it down allows me to see things I wasn’t able to see before.
Removing ourselves from the barrage of external chatter – we are able to finally hear the small voice from within that leads us to higher ground.
Recently a friend asked me, “Florence how long did it take you to ‘know / find yourself?” The first thing that popped into my head was my inner critic saying “What – no, you don’t, you’re still learning!” but what came out of my mouth surprised me. I was home schooled, for the most part of my childhood and teenage years I was surrounded only by my parents and my two younger siblings. I had no school bullies, no keeping up with the cool kids, and no TV in my life.
Basically it was a very sheltered life where I only knew me as I was, and what I thought I should be, leaving aside parental expectations from a strong religious perspective of course. I loved my own company. My imagination was my best friend, I lived in a fairy world in my head, made love to ghosts and could speak to animals. I miss being able to escape into another world, away from the noise in my brain. Spending time alone, clearing and settling, taking back control of my the junky thoughts in my brain feels like I’m getting closer to that young imaginative child again.
The Hermit- Slow Holler Queer Tarot Deck
Remember, the person in the Hermit Tarot Card is holding their own lantern: they are lighting their own path.
I have been reconnecting with my free-spiritedness, my independence, as a single person finding my feet and confidence again. Rediscovering my natural self-reliance and pulling away the layers of fear from my ability to access the deepest magick and my highest spiritual self within me. Relying on myself, and not being willing to rely on others is something that comes very naturally to me, from a fear of being let down or abandoned, so rewriting this pattern in my head as a more relaxed attitude has been wonderfully challenging. Accepting that I can’t go through this world not trusting in anyone, and letting go of disappointment if something doesn’t happen the way I planned. Releasing the rigidity and fear in me, stopping grasping onto my expectations and letting myself be carried along with whatever happens. Planning ahead and being proactive when it matters but allowing space for changes in plans and outcomes without having an adverse emotional reaction.
While I don’t have any signs in virgo in my astrology chart, I feel the virgo energy as we move through the earth and planetary cycles. Much like my feelings about my strong Capricorn energy, the Virgo is grounded and stable. My growth through change is taking its sweet time, much like my Hermit tarot card friend. The Hermit isn’t about fast, practical, or quick small changes; it has all been big shifts, lots of learning and challenging emotional growth. I am making solid change in my energy; it feels completely earthy. The Hermit tarot card relates to Virgo, one of the four mutable zodiac signs (Gemini, Sagittarius and Pisces), and embracing my Hermit journey has thrown lots of change, need for flexibility, and lessons about adaptability at me.
My head has been battling through what a relationship means to me, what I want out of one, what my expectations are if I were to be in one. How I change or my demeanour changes when partnered. It’s been really challenging to spend time alone with my brain and unpack where my desires for a certain type of relationship have come from. What fear drives those desires, and work through how I want to rewire my brain, and rewrite those patterns. Essentially I have not changed, I still represent the sustained personal identity I have kept throughout my entire life, I have just unpacked, and removed a layer of fear and bullshit.
Prioritising space for my mind to turn inward and allowing myself the time and space to think, feel, to hurt, and meditate on what it is that I truly want in and from my life isn’t easy. Feeling lost is crappy, but the more I unpack that lost feeling I can see what drives it. Fear of abandonment, feelings of insecurity and imposter syndrome. All feelings I am familiar with but didn’t realise drifted over into my desire to love and be loved. Checking in on these feels validates them, but slowly takes the power out of them for me. When I feel abandoned, I put into perspective how much love and support I have around me. Am I really abandoned or have I pushed people around me away because I feel scared?? Am I really insecure or have I listened to my inner critic for too long and am self doubting things I know I can do, and the confidence I know I have? When I feel like I don’t belong or an imposter in my own life, where is that negative chatter coming from, why am I comparing myself to an imaginary reality?!
Sometimes this ripples over into my relationship with my family. My Queerness makes me feel like I don’t belong. My inability to ever meet or live up to their religious and social expectations of me as a daughter creates a feeling of “Other-ness” in me. This feeling is both terrifying and powerful. And while it is not something that is exclusive to queer experience, it is all too common in our community who don’t have close or accepting families in their lives. It is terrifying to come face to face with a solo journey, but it is also powerful as it it forces me to throw off anything that is holding me back, seek out my own truth and my inner magick.
If you feel drawn to The Hermit, or if it comes up in your reading, ask yourself:
- What negative self talk am I holding onto?
- How is that is affecting my current state of mental health?
- Do I have fears about my present and future?
- What is holding me back from fully in and enjoying the present moment?
- How do I let it go?
- What positive change can I make to create a shift?
- Is that fear irrational?
- What can I do today to stop, enjoy and be present in my own Power?
Society is full of lies and bullshit it tries to feed us every day. If we’re insecure about how we look we’ll buy anti-aging cream and those pills that make cellulite go away. When we’re told that relationships / marriage is the ultimate goal in life, we buy that online dating subscription. When we’re told that photoshopped models are what we should aspire to we buy into size-ist bullshit, weightless programs, skin whitening, and that gym membership.
PEOPLE. You don’t need to listen to that crap. I wrote this list for myself when I was feeling so low and my self confidence had been through the ringer. It’s aaagggeees since I wrote this, and I’ve rediscovered myself in a whole new way, reinvented, and let my wings take me into this wild adventure of life. Celebrate yourself, just the way you are. YOU are an incredible human. I challenge you to read this, and write your own list… I love you.
- You are beautiful
- You are worth loving
- You are easy to love
- You have a beautiful big heart
- You are not too needy or too emotional
- You can be co-dependant and still independent at the same time
- You love your friends and care about them and how your actions impact them
- You have an amazing spiritual journey that is 100% valid
- You have beautiful intuitive and empathic powers that you should always trust
- You love moving and shouldn’t stop because it makes you happy
- You have an amazing gift for sharing love and happiness with others so don’t stop
- You are outgoing and gregarious
- You are also stable and balanced and in control
- You are beautifully grounded and content with who you are in yourself
- You don’t need anyone else to feel stability and groundedness
- It is 100% of if you do also feel grounded and stability with someone else too
- Things that don’t work out are not a reflection on you, just an opportunity to grow
- You are loyal
- You are caring
- You put others in front of yourself, but also know when to stop and where your boundaries are
- You have a gift of communicating what is going on for you
- You have a gift of the ability to share your feelings
- You are beautifully open and vulnerable, don’t stop doing this
- You are amazingly in touch with your body, celebrate this
- You are able to feel, and empathise with others picking up on what’s going on for them
- You are not too much or too full on
- Your little tornado of creative energy IS okay
- You are creative
- You are amazingly driven and have an incredible sense of passion
- Your ability to get things done is a gift
- You are also able to finish things, & you have steadiness in you to follow it all the way through
- You have a gift of being able to make amazing connections and networks
- You are perfectly bright, never let that colourfulness stop shining
- You are confident
- You are a goddess
- You have the courage and bravery to handle anything that comes your way
- You are gentle and approachable
- Having an active sex drive IS okay and normal
- Wanting and desiring intimacy is beautiful
- The desire to love and be with someone is hard wired into us/ normal, you’re lucky: double dose
- Magick and manifestation is beautiful spirituality and a beautiful path to follow
- You’re ability to take risks and seek adventure is amazing
- Your ability to catch yourself out when something doesn’t sit right with you is a gift
- Your willingness to work hard, compromise & build something despite hardness is phenomenal
- You are not a creepy predator (so stop being shy and standing in the corner and not even saying boo to a goose)
- You have talent
- You can sing
- Being an emotional being is a beautiful thing and rare and special
I hope you write your own lists <3 share them, burn them, celebrate them. You are MAGICK
In the major arcana the 6th card in the deck is the lovers card. It’s traditional representation (painted in 1910 by Pamela Coleman-Smith), shows two figures; Adam and Eve before the fall, enjoying the innocence of the garden and their own nudity while an angel looks on above. In the tree behind Eve, lies the snake hinting at the choice to come to gain knowledge and wisdom and behind Adam is a tree with 12 flowers symbolising the astrological houses. The card is represented by Gemini, choices in romantic relationships and duality. It can also be said the card represent the two halves of the brain and the point in human evolution where childbirth became difficult for women due to the increase of brain mass in the species. Generally speaking however this card represents romantic relationships.
I’ve been receiving this card repeatedly since the last frost nub of winter which has been a surprise to say the least because breakups are something I’ve had a lot of this year and I’m not know for successful relationships or positive choices in partners. This continual drawing of the lovers card began following a breakup of a relationship which was short in length and depth. However the pain took me by surprise, and I was already grieving the end of the possible partnership before the conversation even came. In the lead-up to the conservation I attributed my grief to cosmologically consequences. I’m a cancer sun and experiencing emotions on a large scale is a common experience for me. Since 2011, I’ve been able to access, receive and feel emotions from large groups like those of the “Occupy” protests in NY during the final eviction or the tsunami in Japan. It’s not easy being an empath and sometimes it can be difficult to know where the emotions are coming from. Often I find my body anticipates emotions up to 2-3 days before an event occurs; both for a world event or an extremely personal one. Jungian analyst and writer; Marion Woodman’s recently wrote an article that describes the way I have moved through the world even down to my entry to this life via c-section which i believe is the cause of this tendency to anticipate emotions and try to move through life lessons a little too quickly. LINK
The heart pain and heaviness was daily and all day- sometimes the pain was in the front of my body, sometimes in the back. I had only known this person for a few months and had specifically avoided conversations about partnership, nevertheless when the break came, the pain seemed overwhelming and somewhat extreme for the length and depth of what was between us. During this time, I had started to look at tarot again after a long break; another break up (this time walking away from https://www.facebook.com/sistersoftheequinox/). Surprisingly, daily readings would always come back with a result of the lovers card or the two of cups, and never reversed. Astrological forecasts suggested that love was the main preoccupation for the ex lover. Much of what was around me, suggested that the break up was a mistake but as a cancerian I am always wary of seeing things I want to see and manipulating others to see them too.
The lovers card is still following me. In those first early weeks of romantic pain, it was infuriating, upsetting and defying my previous experience of the tarot whose guidance has always offered a different perspective and helped me to make decisions to the pathway of my highest good. Even yesterday (6 weeks later), after coming home to spend some time with my mother and hoping to inspire her to return to her art practice and share my love of the Motherpeace tarot deck (designed by Karen Vogel and Vicki Nobel in the late 1970’a), the card she left facing upwards was the lovers; with the 9 of cups beside it. The Motherpeace tarot card represents a different aspect of the lovers card. Whereas other decks imply love and romantic partners as a sort of destiny, the Motherpeace card removes the personality and gender aspect and reflects more upon the difficulties of choosing a partner. The choices are represented by different cups, each reflecting qualities of masculinity or femininity in a greco roman style. The energies reach out over their physical boundaries and mingle in the middle representing the bliss that can be made from union. In Vicki Noble’s book she writes about 6, the number of the card representing a peak experience; and the lovers representing a peak experience of union.
A few weeks back I participated in a ritual to welcome the coming of spring. After the ceremony, we each chose a few cards from numerous decks, with only one tarot deck in circulation. I of course, received my card of the promise of love. At that point, I felt like breaking. Romantic love felt very far away, yet I was continuing to receive this message as if it was already here embracing me. I returned home with message feeling confused as to why it has been constantly been with me. When I returned home I opened up the latest email from a tarot project I have been backing since 2015, and the card of course greeting me was the lovers. However unlike other projections of this card, the image drawn by Christy C. Road is of a naked feminine person holding a handful of spoons reaching forward to embrace another feminine person through a mirror who is walking with a cane. (Click image for link)
THE LOVERS 💜As the universe offers pipe dreams, delusions, and wayward paths; embrace an indestructible bond that honours you for you
This card had symbolism for those that have difficulty experiencing love for themselves, let alone love for another being and finally gave me some hope of understanding why the goddess was choosing to repeat this message to me over and over again. Since then, I have been applying myself to loving those small parts of myself that feel unloved, working through my childhood experiences of feeling less than loved sometimes and thinking more and more of my community and how we struggle to be accepted in our choices of love. I am reminded again of what a radical act it is to love yourself, to be kind to yourself, to offer yourself the solace and companionship you need. Also I think of how some people in our community have difficulty finding love, feeling love and feeling included and each time I receive this card now or see it within a reading I am reminded of the embrace of self which is always reaching out to us through the mirror.
How do you feel about the Lovers card? Do you have an interesting story about your relationship or journey with the Lovers Tarot Card? I’d love to hear about it.