It’s not because of me.

It’s now about me looking after myself. Putting myself first. It’s not about values for me. It’s about not wanting to be in a relationship where I’ve no idea what’s going on for my partner.  A partner who won’t or can’t share with me.

I live in my body.
I feel with every fiber of my being.
I break down I communicate.
I am vulnerable and open
I share how I feel to learn and communicate with my partner.
I will not my myself small or less to accommodate someone else.
I will be my authentic self even if that is larger than life
I wear my heart on my sleeve and there’s something beautiful about that.

I might have repeated my patterns about running away from things that scare me. But I can re frame that. I practice active self care. I will not slip back into dishonesty patterns because I know I am stronger than that. I will will honour my values and stand by them. I will keep being faithful to my journey but emotional and spiritual.  I am magnificent and a magical delicate flower. I don’t want to become tough or hardened.

It isn’t my fault if someone else is repressive.  This is a pattern of her behavior in many situations.  This time it was just something about me or the relationship she couldn’t handle or process.  This doesn’t mean I should change or become less. I must grieve what is lost and honour the truth that I wouldn’t have been happy long term repressing myself because someone else can’t accept all of me. Or because someone else cannot be open to communicate be open, support and work together with me.

If we could communicate and be vulnerable I believe we could work through anything any everything.  But that is outside of my control.  I can change someone or make them able to share and be vulnerable with how they feel. And nor do I want to do that.

Sometimes the thought of being open to someone new and going through the process of learning about each other is too much.  I’m scared hurting and don’t want to go through all this again.  But I can check this thinking how amazing it has been to love wholeheartedly. To commit myself to someone.  Not to hold anything back and feel like it was a beautiful thing even if only for a short time. That is a blessing. A friend I love and trust and hold dear that is precious.  But I can’t let her hurt my heart by withdrawing and repressing her feelings from me. That would never work for me.

I am strong
I am stable
I am grounded
I consider the risks
I plan before I do things
I am funny and can make people laugh
I am good at what I do
People respect me
I am have a desirable skill set
I am incredibly smart
I am worth it

I will not devalue myself or my worth