I think the heart and mind has a way of making a decision, or needing to do something subconsciously.  Once it has set upon that feeling, need or decision it find all sorts of support, reasons and possibly justification for acting or carrying out that.

Much like self sabotage, ironically. However a more kind, and honest way to describe it would maybe “Self realisation” or simply “subconscious manifestation”? I don’t know…

I’ve been thinking over and over and over and over again about what we talked about.  I can’t get it out of my mind so writing my thoughts and questions downs seems to be the easiest way to make sense, calm or feel balanced again.

You only mentioned right at the end of the conversation, only briefly, but it has stirred up my brain. “Something inside of you has clicked on again” “Maybe you can’t be in a relationship as you pursue your journey with your books”.  I’m sure there was more but my tired hazy memory can’t recall and I don’t want to make up what I think you said.

This answer in my head hurts me less.  

The subconscious knowing these things and staying true to your journey then follows this manifestation.  Looking for ways out, or reasons to step outside a relationship with me.  This brings me to the incidents you mentioned…  I’ve pulled my theory apart in my head too many times over and over, not wanting it to downplay the real impact or your emotions and reactions to my actions.  Your experience is completely valid, real and has a real impact on your life, emotions and mental health. I will always do my best to respect, support yours and stand by my own experience also.

Your reaction to the “europe trip” incident was one of anger, hurt and to question how I could say such things / how my values would allow that.  I completely get that reaction.  

Coming from a perspective of subconscious manifestation maybe you held onto any comments, didn’t tell me you were angry, started to shut down to me emotionally.

My brain keeps telling me if you were coming from a perspective of believing in the strength of our relationship, our ability to be vulnerable and communicate honestly maybe you would have said to me very very soon after this incident what you said to me in the car.

“I’m having a very very strong reaction to this, anger, and I need to time to process this.”

I would have been so grateful to be included, made aware of your experience, been thankful and vulnerable with you communicating right back how I was feeling, the circumstances that maybe caused that flurry of mania, and my scared-ness of family sickness, my internal fight with the desire to run away and turmoil I was causing myself palming family off as an excuse to escape.  How I was taking my own time, my extreme reaction and how I was processing an overwhelm of emotions and fear.

Your reaction to my not going to New Zealand immediately you somewhat expressed to me. I knew you would have gone immediately.  I wish I knew that you were questioning my values or my motives when I delayed going immediately.

Maybe coming from a perspective of subconscious manifestation maybe you held onto any comments. Maybe if you were questioning my values at this time, you chose to remain silent, and continue to observe me.

Maybe if you felt doubts, you might have believed our ability to be vulnerable and communicate honestly. Maybe you would have told me that you were questioning my values as you observed and experienced them.

I would have been so grateful that you were sharing with me, to be made aware of how my action or nonaction affected your experience.  I would have worked really hard to be vulnerable with you, communicating even though I know it wouldn’t have been easy.

Sharing that I value my family immensely, acknowledging that I was choosing to put building my mental health and emotional reserve up doing the things I enjoyed for a couple of days before I dived into the intense religious world of my family for 10 hours + plus a day in the hospital and more at home with my mother. I wish I had shared thought about this at the time, and taken the initiative to try and instigate a conversation.

With my friends and the tarot cards, I understand your experience, thinking I was self sabotaging my closest relationships, maybe putting my passion projects before thinking about my friends. I can empathise with how you might have seen my reaction to your concern about talking with her as flippant and maybe disrespectful or dismissive.  How this might have led you to question my values around caring for others, their feelings especially my closest friends.

Maybe coming from a perspective of subconscious manifestation you held onto any more questioning thoughts or opportunities for discussion. Maybe if you were questioning my values at this time, you chose to remain silent, and continue to observe me.

My brain keeps telling me if you had belief, we could work through our differences, learn to question each other better and be able to understand a teeny bit more from each other perspectives.  Question when we don’t see things from the same perspective or value system to understanding each other’s experiences.  Supporting, sharing and recognising the real emotional and mental impact maybe you would have said to me very very soon after this incident “I’m struggling with you I perceive you to be treating your friends and how your actions affect them and I need to time to process this.”

I have never found the times when you have been withdrawn to process any type of challenge or change easy, but understanding what the “thing” is and working to do what I can to allow you space, freedom, support or independence to would have been the first thing I would always want to do.  I would have had the opportunity to share with you how much I had already shared with her about my projects, who we’d already talked about being in the project, what type of people etc.  Also I would have had the opportunity to share how much she has shared about her processing and healing of her heart from her relationship with him.  I knew all this information so my answer to your question was flippant.  You didn’t know this.  You only saw your experience and interpretation of the situation where your values of kindness, care and loyalty maybe said what I was doing or saying was wrong, and possibly hurtful.  I can see how this might have happened, and it hurts my heart.

I don’t write all this with an intent to say our values aren’t different, I know there are possibly many different ones. I know my values are important to me, I know this period of time has been incredibly hard for me, and it’s changed my reactions, tolerances and way of communicating with you, and I deeply apologise for that.

I knew my family relationship was strained, difficult and something I needed to work through more in therapy and this has certainly brought that to the centre of my attention.

I’m grieving that I didn’t get a opportunity at this point of writing to have any kind of vulnerability, sharing or baring of my soul with you about how hard this last month has been for me, if that information would have shed new light or perspective to your observations and experiences. And that only a month ago we were talking about moving in together and now in such a short time, one that has been so full of externally difficult things to cope with that I think you might have already made up your mind and don’t have room for us to grow together, learn together, support each other on our different separate paths, build a deeper trust, give each other the space we need as we need it and share a vulnerable communication through hard times.

My darling, if you need to follow your journey alone, or without me by your side, or following our own journeys apart without the same level of intimacy and connection we had.  I respect that, and I know I will slowly heal, my heart will adjust.  I know I am complete, growing and learning to become a better, stronger person who can communicate more honestly, caringly, respectfully and clearly, so I will continue to work on that, taking this heartbreak as a challenge and lesson.

I write this frankly, because I love you, respect your intellect and maturity.  I don’t want to write more letters like this to you after this if your mind is unchanged, as that isn’t fair, and you need your time to process, heal and start following your journey.  I value your friendship deeply and want to build that deep and strong after we move through this, how ever it my turn out – now, in a year or in ten years.

As I said in the car, I’m proud of you for following your truth and journey. Growing and moving as a person.  I am working super damn hard to do the same.  I love that you got us a book about “When things fall apart” as I’m sure they have for you in some way too as much as they have for me. I was angry when you first sent it to me, but that was hurt and grief talking.  I love you and here’s a massive hug. Be strong, and you so much for reading, listening and thinking about what I have to say.  We’ll both come through this stronger.  xxxx